Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Well maybe the daughter shouldn't have mocked his girlfriend (now wife), and then subsequently failed to apologise for upsetting her? Maybe cruelty begets cruelty?

It definitely sounds like op is close to her daughter - to the point that puts the blame for the situation squarely in her son and dil's lap, and seems to think that not apologising because the dil wasn't meant to hear it is ok...

I don't think either comes out well. Sister shouldn't have impersonated his wife but the brother shouldn't have been so exceptionally cruel. He is equally refusing to resolve the situation and must be well aware of the strain he is putting on his mother.

Your daughter needs to apologise (with an extra apology for having left it to fester) and accept whatever your son and his wife decide. You seeing your grandchild isn't choosing them over your daughter but it is most definitely choosing your daughter if you don't.

But you're OK with a sibling being rude to a guest and not apologising?

Says a lot about you

DS probably feels like an only child too, what without his sister around because she was so rude and childish, he probably also doesn't care and thinks he's better off

Did OP pay you?

How has been so exceptionally cruel. His sister refused to apologise. Meaning she doesn’t think she has anything to apologise for. Is he supposed to just let that go? If anything, I think someone who finds it ok to mock other people is actually cruel.

The issue is between the brother and sister. OP made it worse by taking sides.

What do you think about the dd failing to apologise? If she wanted to reconcile, do you not think that an apology would be an obvious first step?

So you would prioritise the feelings of your sibling over the feelings of your spouse-to-be, that was treated really badly by them and never received a fully deserved apology?

That doesn't seem like the best way to start a marriage in all honesty.

Christ sake OP, your daughter needs to grow up, as do you. If your DD is incapable of sending a text apology at least as an ice breaker then you should both accept you are in the wrong and let your son live his life without you.

What position? The mother wasn't in any position. The relationship between her son and daughter has nothing to do with her. There was no need for her to take a side.

He banned her from his wedding knowing his sister would be heart broken and his mother stuck in the middle. He has wiped her out of his and his childs life for a stupid mistake. I think he sounds like a total bastard to be honest.

Exactly. OP chose to take that position!

By going to the wedding knowing her daughter was at home heart broken would have been really cruel- son knows this and chose to do it anyway.

Your daughter was cruel and unkind. It can be difficult as a woman trying to find acceptance within a partners family when the mother and sister are close. It's almost like trying to befriend the mean girls clique at school. She must have been so hurt to hear herself being mocked and worse for you to go along with it. I'm amazed that you don't think this warranted an apology as it was "in your daughters own home".
Maybe it's time for your daughter to grow up now and pick up the phone to her brother and SIL and apologise. Maybe it's also time for you to stop holding her hand and instead form a bond with your grandchild before it's too late? They grow up quickly, I'm sure you've already missed so much.

For god's sake she should apologise, she should have done so at the time and she can send a letter now. She shouldn't have been mocking her brother's partner whether or not 'in her own home'. How can it be that you haven't seen your own grandchild because of this? So petty and ridiculous.

Your daughter should get her act together and make amends, and you should certainly not not see your grandchild due to this. What sort of children have you raised? The mind boggles.

So you think that the son should prioritise his relationship with his sibling over his relationship with his wife-to-be when it comes to planning the wedding?

Perhaps the OP should have encouraged her dd to apologise and make amends. Or perhaps she could have used the situation as a means of helping her dd understanding the basic fact that actions have consequences, and that you can't treat people like shit and expect them to just forgive you, without making any attempt to put that right.

Why would you want someone who mocked you, and didn't apologise, to come to your wedding? You would be at best nervous around her and at worst she might do the same thing again and ruin your confidence in your day.
I think the OP is deliberately avoiding giving any more details about the incident as she knows how bad it was

And what? They are adults. They're big enough to sort their own shit out. There was no reason for her to get involved.

Imagine not even going to meet your grandchild because you can't bring your grown-ass daughter with you. She is not a child. She doesn't need to go everywhere with her mother.

On what planet is it cruel?! She was a dick to sil and the consequence is that sil doesn't want to spend time with her or pay a fortune for her to be at her wedding. Son is OP's flesh and blood too. Daughter's emotional booboos don't trump son's however far up her arse 'close' to her OP is

You would include her as you would know it is what your mother and possibly father in law to be would want, and not having her there would ruin the day for them and tarnish your relationship going forward. Yes the sister in law was mean but she was 24 and are you going to spend the next 60 years of your life treating her like she is dead? just horrible.

No bride or groom would have a person at their wedding who has so cruelly mocked them.
When you know someone’s true feelings/impression of you (if it’s negative) it can massively impact a persons confidence. At a wedding you want cheerleaders, not piss takers.
The daughter would have only been at home on her own because of her own nasty actions.
As it was the OP was willing to miss out on her sons only wedding. That’s appalling. Choosing to back her spiteful daughter. If I was the son in this scenario that would be the part that was absolutely unforgivable.

DD has been offensive.
She didn't mean to but people should always pretend the one they talk about is right beside them whenever they talk about someone. DD needs to apologise, sincerely, and in many ways - write, visit, sing - until your DIL has accepted the apology.
Only then will you be able to start to mend this terrible childish spat.
You are also out of line in not seeing that your DS is correct here. And for that you should apologise.

The loser is the little child who deserves to see a wider family apreciative of each other and never chiding or making fun of each other.

The most basic values that are taught children from preschool on and that (good, responsible) parents should reinforce at home:

1. Don't mock other people
2. Say sorry as soon as possible if you do something wrong
3. The adult in a situation should never take sides but try to encourage the person who hurt someone else to take responsibility, apologise, and make peace with the wronged party
4. Don't let small wrongs turn into a lasting feud
5. Basically, don't let the sun go down on an argument

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE BRIDE!!!!!

Sorry for shouting, but you seem to be ignoring the fact that this is her wedding too. Why would the son prioritise the person that mocked the bride and didn't apologise over the one person that he will be spending, hopefully, the rest of his life with?

He said she wasn't welcome because she'd been cruel and mocking towards his soon to be wife
I'm sure DIL didn't want her there, didn't want to worry what "mocking" might occur behind her back about her big, special day.

If Sister was so heartbroken then THAT was the time to reach out and try and make amends

He's a bastard, he's strong and standing up for his family which is now bigger than a mean girl sister and a mother who choses her over him