Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Based on your update, if nothing else, your DD should have absolutely insisted on you going to your DS's wedding if either of you ever wanted to make the situation better.

This is laughable. If your precious DD had walked in on DIL mocking and insulting her would you be telling her to get over it? Doubtful.

Your daughter acted poorly, and is being held to account for it. Rather than encouraging her to make amends for her shoddy behaviour (which was clearly going on for a while because it's highly unlikely the one time she was mocking her, DIL overheard, let's be honest) you sided with her, refused to go to your son's wedding, and are choosing to have no relationship with your grandchild and are blaming the woman who was being insulted?!

Count yourself lucky they're bothering to include you at all. At this point, after 4 years of you choosing to disengage, many wouldn't bother inviting you at all, for your own behaviour towards them.

Tell us you have a golden child without telling us you have a golden child...

Your DD was an ADULT at the time, but sounds a very immature one if she expresses her dislike/disconnect with other people through passive aggressive mocking...and that you enable her to behave like this without challenge to the extent of not attending your son's wedding or seeing your granchild? Jeez. You're just as childish as she is. Where did she learn her communication skills? I think you need to take a long look in the mirror as all this has been enabled by you.

This screams Jeremy Kyle.

So, how are you going to build the communication and thinking skills you need to resolve the issue for yourself? I wonder if some therapy would be helpful. You are able to have independent relationships with your children - your ADULT children. How long your choose to exclude yourself from your son's life is entirely up to you. It is in your power to change things. Your daughter is an ADULT and she can put on her own lifejacket and save herself.

Your DD is devastated by all of this?

Well how do you think your DIL felt when she was mocked by a 24 year old and everyone heard?

Your DD is out of order for not apologising and she clearly isn’t a nice person anyway to be mocking someone at 24 years of age. Not surprising considering you don’t appear to think what she did was that bad or warrants an apology.

immature and nasty behaviour.

You DD needs to apologise (and mean it) if she wants to fix this. And you need to stop defending her.

If this isn’t a reverse your DD sounds horrible. Mocking someone behind their back, making her feel unwelcome and then not even apologising! And you’ve taken her side and refused to go to your son’s wedding or meet your own grandchild? If I was DIL the door would no longer be open to you so be grateful it is.

This! She's not trying to ruin your relationship, she's trying to protect herself and her child from her toxic in-laws. More power to her!

Ah spot the golden child!

Totally failing to see what DIL has done wrong here.

Was the mockery Racist in nature, I am gonna say it was!

As I thought, both you and your daughter are being absolutely 100 percent unreasonable, and I don't blame your DS or DIL at all.

You both sound unbelievably cruel. They are probably better off without you if you cannot see you're in the wrong here.

Also, in the context of what you've written, the title makes no sense.

It says "DIL trying to ruin my relationship with DD"

It should have said "My DD has upset my DIL and I don't know what to do"

I really don't understand why you didn't go to your son's wedding? Just because your daughter wasn't welcome? She's in her 20s, it's not like you had to stay and look after her. I'm surprised your son hasn't made more of that tbh and stopped contact with you as well!

You didn't go to your own son's wedding?! No wonder he feels you've chosen your DD over him.

Do you know what OP, you don’t even deserve any advice on this matter you are so deluded it’s unbelievable. Enjoy your life

Reverse ?? As this can’t be real.

4 years .. could have written a letter, sent a card, sent flowers - anyone of a number of ways. She should have been trying to apologise, every single day.

I note the missing information (i.e. what did DD say) but your behaviour as you have described it is appalling.

What on earth did you think would happen if you missed the wedding? No matter who was right or wrong in the initial incident (and even with all your minimising you admit there was no apology from your DD), you’ve chosen to go all in to support your daughter and deliberately punish your son (for….not lying down and taking his sister’s behaviour?).

I’m getting a very strong golden child / scapegoat impression here. If I were your DIL, the only thing I’d regret is that you haven’t been cut off too. I wouldn’t let someone who behaves like this anywhere near my kids.

I bet you have a long, long history of favouring your daughter over your son, @worldlyweather

Amirite?

if she’s “utterly heartbroken” by this, why has she never apologised or tried to make amends? Stop taking her side in this - she sounds awful and spoilt.

So your DD wasn't mocking your DIL to her face, just behind her back? And that's somehow better? And you're so content that DD hasn't apologised that you missed your own son's wedding?

I entirely understand why your son and his wife have made the choices they've made. You and DD have treated them terribly and neither of you seem the slightest bit contrite.

Your daghter should have made a full apology at the time. She clearly doesn't care about her sister in laws feelings - and it sounds like neither do you.

Have a think about what YOU could do to resolve this situation - ie. reaching out and apologising for hurt caused - and then get on with doing that.

I think people would say here "I think that is a slight over reaction, OP"

The DIL has completely dug her heels in. The brother didn't invite his sister to his wedding because she mocked his wife. I think this is a complete over reaction. I think the SIL is in the wrong and a clear issue.

Sorry @worldlyweather but you need to take a hard look at yourself here. Your DD was mocking someone her brother cared about and you didn’t think to tell her to cut it out? That does not reflect well on her upbringing, which is presumably down to you…

Your daughter was an adult, if she was genuinely remorseful she would have found a way to apologise by now. You are also betraying your son by taking your daughter’s side & cutting your nose off to spite your face. You decided not to go to their wedding, so frankly you are damn lucky they re even willing to let you see them and your grandchild and you should apologise and do that, supporting them and not whining about your DD.

Unless of course DD is the golden child, or you just love the drama- we’ll never know, but if this is genuine have a serious word with your DD then drop it and try to rebuild your relationship with your son and his family. Good luck!

The fact that you’ve not been more specific about the mocking makes me think it’s something really bad that she was mocking her for. A standard ribbing doesn’t prompt someone to go no contact/low contact with their sister and mother. There’s very few things someone could mock me about that would prompt this reaction, it would have to be something pretty horrible. Some people are sensitive, but I’ve never met anyone who’s so sensitive they would react to getting mildly made fun of like that.

Unrelated but your son sounds like a catch. Lucky woman.

Ok so firstly DD needs to apologise and see how it goes. I am surprised she hasn't already done this after 4 years tbh. But at 28 I think she should be understanding that you need and want to have a relationship with your grandchild, even if she (DD) has to be excluded. Does she not feel guilty that her actions are depriving you of this? If not, that seems selfish of her.

"It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents it's not her fault she was there and saw/heard."

No, this makes no difference - she was rude about your DIL and your DIL knows - you could argue that being rude in your own home whilst DIL was your guest was even worse, even though your DD thought she couldn't hear. She should apologise.

"Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?"

Well no it doesn't work that way - they won't welcome her unless/until she's apologised (and maybe not even then) so obviously she won't be invited until/unless she has. She should apologise in writing - text, email, letter by post - or if they will answer the phone to her, then in words. It should be a proper apology - none of this "I am sorry IF you were offended" etc. Also, if they don't accept her apology then yes, she will be excluded from some family occasions but not all. You will have to arrange visits without her - surely not impossible, at 28 she must have her own life too. I think that even if they don't want to accept her apology immediately, it is likely that eventually their attitude might soften, but not guaranteed of course.

If she refuses to apologise, knowing that this is affecting you too - you have lost several years with your first grandchild already - then I am afraid she is very selfish and I think you should just go ahead with visiting your son and his family without her, but if this has to happen, please don't keep arguing your DD's case to them or trying to defend her. You can't defend the indefensible.