Page 4 | Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

worldlyweather · 2024-09-09T10:33:20+00:00

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd. Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard. Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded. Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this. I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil. I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly. Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off. The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild. They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether. I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Choochoo21 · 09/09/2024 12:15

You DD was very rude and I would feel the same as them, especially as she hasn’t even bothered apologising.

I think you are wrong to refuse to see your nephew though.

You should not be taking sides.

If I was you, I would have a good relationship with your DS and DIL as well as DD and then you are in a better position to bring them all back together again.

Bluenotgreen · 09/09/2024 12:15

worldlyweather · 09/09/2024 12:13

Dd was 24 at the time 4 years ago, 4 years this has been going on!
Dd hasn't apologised but she didn't deliberately say it for her to hear, she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear.
It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents it's not her fault she was there and saw/heard.
Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?

What did she say/do?

Why couldn’t she write a grovelling letter of apology to DIL?

Dontbeme · 09/09/2024 12:15

I think it's actually refreshing to read a thread where a husband has supported his wife when his family have been cruel towards her. I'm just waiting for the deleted message as OP fears she has been identified in real life aka not getting the response she wants.

OhmygodDont · 09/09/2024 12:16

Well you’re as bad as your daughter. The apple didn’t fall far. Hope to god your husband is a better man and did attend the wedding and has met his grandson.

Your daughter at 24 was damn well old enough to know bloody better. Though again since you don’t and you raised her what chance does she stand.

Maybe it’s better off for your son, dil and grandchild that you do stay away.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 09/09/2024 12:16

Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?

Also, I call bollocks on this. She could have apologised in the moment. She could haved apologised subsequently. She could have written a note, an email, a text message. Sent a card. Sent a gift.

ElderMrs · 09/09/2024 12:16

What did DD actually say?

Did she mock her appearance/weight/voice?

Why hasn't DD sent a letter or email of apology?

If it hurt DILs feelings then of course DD should have apologised long before now. I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who has slagged me off or took the piss out of me, whether they intended for me to hear it or not.

Have you apologised to DIL?

Choochoo21 · 09/09/2024 12:17

Mskrabapple · 09/09/2024 12:08

There are some things in life that I wouldn’t forgive.

Walking in and hearing someone speak badly about me? I could forgive that with a genuine apology and a change in behaviour going forward.

Choosing to not attend my wedding? Choosing to not meet my child? Choosing my SIL over my DH (when SIL is unquestionably in the wrong)? I don’t think I would forgive that.

I don’t know what you hope to achieve though. You’re the one who is missing out. Their lives are going on without you and you’re missing all the happy, exciting moments. If you’re not careful it will get past the point of return, where it’s been so long since you’ve been part of their lives that it becomes the norm and doesn’t seem worth the effort of trying to bring you back into their life.

Absolutely this!!

2kah · 09/09/2024 12:17

How old was your dd and what exactly was the mocking? If she was 8 and said she didn't like DIL's shoes, then that's very different to if she was 18 and she said that DIL was ugly and had shit clothes.

It doesn't really sound at this stage that your son/DIL have done anything wrong. All they want is to keep themselves and their child away from someone who's potentially a nasty bully.

(Sorry...but...) you have been extraordinarily silly not attending their wedding and not seeing your grandchild to try and strong arm them into seeing your dd. Why have you damaged your relationship with them to that extent? You could have gone along to both, kept the peace, with a view to sorting things out for your dd in the longer term. But you have actually made the situation much worse.

AnonymousBleep · 09/09/2024 12:17

You're in the wrong. I am shocked that you chose not to go to your own son's wedding and haven't met your grandchild. What is wrong with you?! No wonder the DIL is excluding you, you and your daughter both sound absolutely toxic.

It's probably too late to make up for what you've done, but it needs to start with a sincere apology from your daughter for insulting your DIL, and from you for missing the wedding and the birth of your grandchild (appalling behaviour!).

Gremlins101 · 09/09/2024 12:17

Your son is right to stand up for his wife. Your daughter can fight her own battles - and should apologise for mocking her SIL.
I think its a great shame you are not having a relationship with your son and grandchild, and I think you should apologise for not being part of their life through all these big events.
I hope you can fix things.

PlayDadiFreyr · 09/09/2024 12:17

worldlyweather · 09/09/2024 12:13

Dd was 24 at the time 4 years ago, 4 years this has been going on!
Dd hasn't apologised but she didn't deliberately say it for her to hear, she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear.
It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents it's not her fault she was there and saw/heard.
Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?

If I were your DIL, I'd not only be pissed off at being mocked, I'd be pretty unhappy that your daughter apparently had a listening ear in you, who was unwilling to tell her she was out of order.

MildredSauce · 09/09/2024 12:17

worldlyweather · 09/09/2024 12:13

Dd was 24 at the time 4 years ago, 4 years this has been going on!
Dd hasn't apologised but she didn't deliberately say it for her to hear, she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear.
It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents it's not her fault she was there and saw/heard.
Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?

Ooof.

Well, apples dont fall far from the tree, do they? Both you and adult dd are both pieces of work.

NoWayRose · 09/09/2024 12:17

Wow Rizzo should definitely apologise - she’s in the wrong here. I would not have picked sides like this as the parent.

Portfun24 · 09/09/2024 12:17

Yab massively u. If my dd had been mocking my dil I'd of told her to stop it and grow up in the first instance and not be so nasty. I can't believe she's not even apologised, you've not encouraged it and haven't seen your son. I'm honestly shocked at your behaviour. Your dd was a dick and deserves all she gets but you really haven't helped the situation and your dil isn't trying to ruin your relationship with your dd. She simply doesn't want any contact with someone who clearly dislikes her, mocks her then doesn't have the decency to apologise. I don't blame her.

AtYourOwnRisk · 09/09/2024 12:17

worldlyweather · 09/09/2024 12:13

Dd was 24 at the time 4 years ago, 4 years this has been going on!
Dd hasn't apologised but she didn't deliberately say it for her to hear, she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear.
It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents it's not her fault she was there and saw/heard.
Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?

Does your DD not have a phone number, email address or home address for her SIL? Apologies don’t need to be made in person.

TheShellBeach · 09/09/2024 12:18

Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?

Has your daughter lost the ability to write letters, emails or text messages?

Doesn't she know how to send flowers or chocolates?

I applaud your son for sticking up for his wife.

Secondwifenotsecondbest · 09/09/2024 12:18

worldlyweather · 09/09/2024 12:13

Dd was 24 at the time 4 years ago, 4 years this has been going on!
Dd hasn't apologised but she didn't deliberately say it for her to hear, she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear.
It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents it's not her fault she was there and saw/heard.
Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?

this update makes it WORSE OP - your daughter was an adult, she thought it was ok to mock the woman who then married her brother and gave birth to your grandchild and you think DD's the one who's been wronged? to the degree that you have rejected (yes that's the right word here) your own son, his wife and now their child!
It's a huge pity you didn't raise your DD to be respectful of others then this wouldn't have happened....just how long are you going to keep alienating your son and his family? You're lucky I'm not your DIL or you would NEVER be allowed to see my child, you're a poor excuse as a mother to your son and as a grandmother - shame on you!

inthehammock · 09/09/2024 12:19

Oh dear, OP. This is entirely, entirely of your and your DD's own making. Your update is so telling, you're defending your DD's actions as thought they meant nothing. How incredibly hurtful it must have been for DIL and DS to hear this. And the for you to shrug it off and not tell your DD to do everything to make amends and what's more you are laying blame at you DIL's feet for not just getting over it. You even didn't go to their wedding! You could have maintained a relationship with your son separately but you didn't, you picked your daughter. Who frankly, mocking people and mimicking them at 24, sounds childish and unpleasant.

My SIL doesn't like me, she's the golden child and I do everything I can to dodge seeing her, the in-laws are ok without her present, but when she's there, it's insufferable. All I can say is, your DS has his priorities straight.

2kah · 09/09/2024 12:19

worldlyweather · 09/09/2024 12:13

Dd was 24 at the time 4 years ago, 4 years this has been going on!
Dd hasn't apologised but she didn't deliberately say it for her to hear, she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear.
It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents it's not her fault she was there and saw/heard.
Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?

Come on - not had a chance? Couldn't she have written a sincere apology in a card and sent flowers?

SauviGone · 09/09/2024 12:19

I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister

This comment is very telling.

It isn’t for your DS to put things right with his sister, it’s your DD (the golden child) who should be trying to put things right with her brother.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/09/2024 12:19

With all the respect in the world to you @worldlyweather, your DD mocked her soon to be (at that point in time) SiL.
Your son and this woman have subsequently gone on to be married and have a baby so this is not something that has been going on for a few weeks, this is a longer term thing.
You decided not to attend the wedding because your DD wasn't invited.

In the intervening time, has your DD tried to contact her brother directly? Has your DD tried to contact her SiL directly? Without any involvement from you? Has she apologised to her SiL for the way that she behaved?? Has she taken responsibility for her behaviour at all??

The person that needs to step up here isn't your son or his wife, it's your DD.

She needs to start with a heartfelt apology for her behaviour and not simply because she is missing out on her nephew growing up, it's because she was rude and disrespectful to another person and about another person whether she meant to be heard or not, she did it and, from what I've read in your opening post, she hasn't apologised even yet for her behaviour.

I'm with your DS and DiL here.

TheShellBeach · 09/09/2024 12:20

And OP - your son's wife isn't trying to ruin your relationship with your daughter, is she?

So why the thread title?

TooYoungToJoinGransnet · 09/09/2024 12:20

worldlyweather · 09/09/2024 12:13

Dd was 24 at the time 4 years ago, 4 years this has been going on!
Dd hasn't apologised but she didn't deliberately say it for her to hear, she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear.
It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents it's not her fault she was there and saw/heard.
Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?

And there you go again .I'm astounded at what you're saying. You are so wrong that I doubt the veracity of your posts, unless you're short of thinking.

GoingDownLikeBHS · 09/09/2024 12:20

I was the DiL in similar position, 20+ years ago. SiL and BiL never saw fit to apologise, but still complained that they were being "excluded". One of them died without ever apologising - I was meant to be the bigger person and just let them do whatever they wanted, without any consequence (they had serious form, it wasn't a one off incident). I kept saying no, they kept saying they'd done nothing wrong but were nicer people as they were willing to "let it go". Much like you're saying now.

I have to say the 20+ years of NC worked out really well for me and to be honest they never seemed that bothered unless in public when it gave them a great opportunity to complain about me. I think DD needs to say she realises it was uncalled for and she apologises unreservedly, then see what happens (don't go on about well DiL was never meant to hear etc). You've left it 4 years, it could easily go on for another 40.

AnonymousBleep · 09/09/2024 12:20

worldlyweather · 09/09/2024 12:13

Dd was 24 at the time 4 years ago, 4 years this has been going on!
Dd hasn't apologised but she didn't deliberately say it for her to hear, she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear.
It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents it's not her fault she was there and saw/heard.
Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?

No this isn't OK. Being nasty about someone behind their back isn't any better than doing it to their face. How do you, a grown adult, not know this? And why are you attempting to defend it? Your daughter should have apologised. This is her problem to put right, and she hasn't. You are very,very wrong in enabling this and not instructing her to put things right with your brother.

As has already been said, it's clear your daughter is the Golden Child and I bet your son's take on this would look very different. It looks like the classic narcissist triangle to me, with you right at the top.