Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

How old is your dd now?

DD did wrong, sounds like she was mean/unkind and got caught. Has she ever given a sincere apology to DIL and admitted that she was wrong and unkind? If not then DIL is right to keep her away.

I'm guessing by the way you've worded the title though that DD is golden child and you always take her side.

You are choosing to not see your grandchild because you can’t admit that your daughter was out of order? If you and your daughter had apologised at the beginning it may not have escalated this much. You say she was “perhaps unkind” which seems as though you have minimised her behaviour, which is probably something your son has had to put up with for many years

Of course your son feels that way. Your daughter behaved badly and he sees you taking her side.
They are adults and their relationship is theirs to sort out. You should be seeing both of them separately and not getting involved in this.
has your daughter apologised to your DIL? What did she say? How cruel was she?

As a GM with sons and DiLs, I agree with your son. You are ‘cutting of our nose to spite your face’ as the saying goes. Your daughter must take responsibility for her own actions.
Step back and try to build bridges with your son and DIL or risk estrangement.

You nose *

Mocking her how, exactly?

Oh no, if it isn't the consequences of her actions!

Had your daughter sincerely apologised to her SIL for her behaviour towards her? The woman has every right not to want to see someone who openly mocked her, and you're cutting your nose off to spite your face by not seeing your grandchild because of it.

Yeah, I'd like to know that too.

Your daughter was nasty about her brothers wife. Your DIL shouldn't be forced to accept someone who has been nasty to her. And your son should stand up for his partner.

You need to have separate relationships with your children as they are individual people.

How long ago was this incident, and how old were they all at the time?

You didn't go to the wedding? 😮

Really? An incident which took place a long time ago is the basis for no contact for ever and ever? No forgiveness, no attempt to see whether bonds can be made, no agreement to be civil even if they will never be best friends?

You picked your side, now live with the consequences.

It's entirely your fault that you don't have a relationship with your grandchild.

I'd be very pissed off if I was your son.

This.

It all sounds like a rationale for all children to be thrown out of their parents' houses the second they turn 18.

How old was your daughter when she was heard mocking your DIL? Has she ever admitted she was out of order?

I can't believe you missed your son's wedding because they didn't invite someone overhead mocking the bride...

If your daughter had anything about her she'd be telling you not to miss out because of her actions, and her fallout with her brother and his wife.

From what you've written, the only person that is ruining relationships is you. Your daughter was horrible, you haven't said if she ever attempted to apologise and you then refused to go to your sons wedding and you haven't met your grandchild.
If I was your daughter in law you wouldn't see me for dust. Or my child. Not until you have apologised for your behaviour!
You need to stay neutral as this isn't your mess to clean up, but instead you've backed your daughter, who you've admitted was a fault.
I just don't understand your logic.

Tell us more about The Mocking…

It's not possible to say who is unreasonable without an understanding of the age of the DD at the time and the type of mocking.

Much depends on what your daughter said and how she reacted once she realised that your DIL overheard her.

But what did you think would happen to your relationship with your son if you didn’t attend his wedding and have refused to met his child? Do you think the decision ‘devastated’ him? Or is it only your relationship with your daughter that concerns you?

How old was your dd and what was the nature of her mocking your dil? Was it related to culture, race, disability or socio-economic background? If so, I don’t think your dil is ever likely to get over that.

You are sending a very clear message to your son, as well as his wife, that you favour your daughter and will not acknowledge her wrong doing.

It’s so interesting how you skipped over the bit where your daughter apologised

You refused to go to the wedding, you refused to meet your grandchild. Your daughter did wrong and you created more drama. Go and apologise, you've missed the wedding and the first baby stages. Don't miss any more. Maybe with time they will forgive your daughter but you should stay well out of it. Your son sounds pretty smart.

You didn't go to your own sons wedding and you haven't seen your Grandson? You're lucky you're still being invited over tbh.

Good on your daughter in law for having boundaries.

You sent your son a very clear message when you failed to show up for him on his wedding day. He is right that you have chosen your daughter over him, just like you have since chosen not to have a relationship with your grandchild. You know what you need to do if you wish to change the situation but if you aren’t prepared to, down blame your son and his wife.