Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Seeing as all your posts are based on speculation, I’m going to say that I don’t think daughter was heartbroken. I think she was actually feeling quite smug that her mum chose to miss the wedding so that she could show her brother that her mum cares for her more.

Because it was his sister. And his wife shouldn't have put him in that position and put a damper on the day for her new husbands family. It should have been resolved before the wedding.

@Janedoe82 Come on, admit it - you're on a wind up, aren't you? Nice one.

Nope, I wouldn't think it would ruin things for the young woman's parents as I would expect them to be on the side of wanting her to apologise for her rudeness. Why would I assume they'd be happy to see their son's girlfriend mocked, and not to want the sister to be responsible for her own behaviour? All they've said is they don't want to see the sister. That this means not seeing the parents is entirely down to their choice.
editing to add that wild horses wouldn't keep me from being there for my son when he had a baby either.

No not at all. I genuinely think the brother and wife have been needlessly cruel.

This thread is going to close as full soon and we know OP won't be back (someone tag me in if she starts a new one though 🤣)

So before it does- I have a big family with lots of cousins and at any point at least one isn't talking to at least one sibling. This changes around sometimes. But my aunts through all of it make sure to spend time with both siblings, separately, because they want to be there for both their children. They don't pick sides. That's what OP should have and should be doing. Not saying she won't visit her DGC because her nearly 30 year old can't go too

Yes, it should have been resolved.

By the daughter. Making a genuine and heartfelt apology.

But that didn't happen.

OMG I've never known a thread to fill up so fast!

Then I feel sorry for your son as you’re teaching him that it’s ok if others are cruel to you, you just have to accept as putting up boundaries is even worse in your book.

A 24 year old woman should know to apologise immediately if she has been caught out doing something hurtful That she hasn't bothered and her mother has supported this is frankly disgusting

I've never seen a thread with so many sock puppets.
🤣

Perhaps your daughter could write her a heartfelt apology. If no olive branch is extended then how can anything be mended ? There is a little one that is now missing out on a grandparent and an aunt because of what appears to be stubbornness . I don’t know why 4 years has lapsed without your daughter making some attempt at an apology , a nice card in the mail for example . At least if she does this then she has tried to make things right. Then the ball is in your ds and dil’s court.

They haven't though. The DD hasn't apologised and until that happens, there is no chance of things moving forward. This is totally in the hands of the DD and OP but they refuse to do anything about it.

Or maybe she’s one of those MNers who blame the man no matter what happened?

I know, right?! And with the full blown dramatic hyperbole flying thick and fast . . .

You can name change as many times as you like and try defend your position as many times as you like, but no one is going to agree that mum and daughter are in the right here. They are not. They've only got themselves to blame for missing out on the new baby.

I see the OP did not return

I'm not so sure about that. . .

Either a wind up or the DD.

😂

.

@Janedoe82 your daughter is in the wrong. Not your son. Hundreds of comments here should make you see things from you DIL/DS perspective. Instead you have chosen to passionately defend your daughter and call your son a bastard. I don’t think the relationship is salvageable when you persist with your defence of your daughter, who sounds like a spoiled, nasty, manipulative bully who has been enabled for years by a mother who won’t call her out on her appalling behaviour.

And the mother has been helpless in all this???? I can't believe someone would refuse to see their own grandchild over a petty squabble and would defend their adult daughter for being a bit of a bitch and then not saying sorry! If my five year old acted like this I'd think they were immature.

I'm sorry but I actually agree with your DIL and son, the fact that your DD hasn't even apologised is disgusting. It doesn't matter if she didn't think it was that bad, your DIL was obviously hurt by it therefore an apology should have been made. She could have text, called, written a letter etc

It's taken me years to realise that time is precious and I'm not going to spend it with people I don't like/who don't bring me happiness. You are making the choice not to see your grandson.

Your son and DIL are right. You are so beyond lucky they haven’t just written you off. Good luck in the mess of your own making.