Teenagers joining in with adult meals with guests

[axolotlfloof]

Our kids are mid to older teens.
Last 2 times we have had dinner at friends' houses (without our children) friends' teenage daughters have been at the meal (fine) and then have stayed and joined in (which obviously affects what can be discussed) until we have left. I don't really want to leave my kids at home to hang out with other people's teens.
Now friend has texted to say her teenage daughter will join us for dinner out at the weekend.
Aibu to think this is poor etiquette?
I like seeing these kids and knowing they are doing alright. I don't particularly want to spend the evening with them.
Aibu?

@SwingTheMonkey that does tend to happen in my family. I'm not saying it's fantastic for everyone, but it seems normal and nice to me.

If I arranged to go out for dinner with friends I wouldn't expect their kids to tag along.

I hope people who do this split the bill fairly

So how about the ones that don't find it 'normal and nice;?

I’ve socialised a lot in Holland and it was always a mixed age group which I enjoyed. If you want to talk about something sensitive, arrange a different time and make clear you want to “confide” or whatever

my kids love an adult get together 😬

Me too! Word for word.

It was similar, not word for word. Going on the number of people who think this is ok - it’s clearly a common issue.

I want to talk to my friends

I don't mind a quick chat with their dc but not there the whole time

It’s not necessarily the need to ‘confide’ in anything. Just that someone wants to spend time with their chosen friends - not their friends and their offspring. Do some people really not ever see friends without their children being included?

In that case going out for a drink might be better

Why?

@axolotlfloof have you considered that your friends might feel they can't leave their child home alone, and they are too old for/won't accept a babysitter? I can think of various reasons why parents don't want to leave a teen alone at home on an evening, so it might be that your friends are trying to see you and also look after their child

Does everything have to be a learning experience for the kids though?? There are family meals etc for that. Op is talking about socialising with her friends and a night away from her own teens

I think yanbu about the restaurant. It is impolite to just invite extra people along to a planned meal.

With regard to dinner at your friends' homes, I think yabu. Teenagers shouldn't have to make themselves scarce in their own homes. That sounds like a modern version of the Victorian "children should be seen but not heard" thinking. I see nothing wrong with them joining in the conversation if they want to.

If I wanted to talk about a specific issue that was personal and private, I wouldn't really do this at a dinner party in any case - I would be more likely to arrange a 1:1 meeting with my friend rather than pour out my heart over dinner. I wouldn't generally want to discuss those things with my friends' partners around in any case.

As for general dinner conversation, there isn't really much that I would need to avoid in front of teenagers. I don't tend to talk to my friends about sex in any case, and I don't gossip about my kids. Wouldn't generally have an issue discussing work, health, politics, ageing parents etc. But I'm generally quite open about stuff and I don't view young people as a separate species as some do. As long as they are reasonably polite and sociable, I'm quite happy to hang out with my friends' kids - they're hugely important to my friends, so I'm glad to get to know them and actually quite flattered if they would prefer to hang out with me for an evening instead of endlessly scrolling through social media etc!

There's clearly a big divide between those parents who think their kids are their "mates" and should be exposed to everything that adults discuss.

And the parents who actually want a separate social life from their kids and don't want them sat around whilst they are chatting to their friends!

I'm intrigued by the first ones as I can't see how they would ever have time away from their kids if they think they should be at every meal / social gathering!

You are not unreasonable to want to go out to dinner without the teenagers. You are unreasonable to think that when the teenagers were in their own home, they should have been made to leave the table at a certain point after dinner. If they were permitted to eat with everyone else, it’s rude to think they should be made to leave when other people are still there.

Sounds awful OP. We have a family we dine with regularly and the accepted practice is that after meeting and greeting all the kids (theirs and ours) go and watch a film or something else that has been arranged. They sometimes all join us for dinner or have their dinner together in the TV room. We only see our kids after that at home time, or if they come to ask if they can stay and sleepover. This way adults and kids all get the best time for them.

“Actually - would it be ok if we rearrange to another time when we can have an adults-only evening?”

ZenNudist

I dunno. I accept my friends dc. It doesn't stop me talking to my friends. What are you talking about that you can't say it in front of a teen?
relationshop issues, sex issues, health issues, parental aging issues!! I love having people’s kids/ teens there but there’s things people need to get off their chest and their friends are who they need to say it to!!!

I used to make sure that my DC were here to avoid awkward conversations with certain friends! They were less likely to want free professional advice from me or start asking about my divorce if the kids were present.

Lord, as if anyone wants to hear someone else's 15-year-old's opinions on politics

Yeah this 😂

Out of politeness I will ask my friends teens about school / college, social media trends etc but really I just want to chat to my friends.

Thankfully all my friends are the same and we never socialise with kids around (unless it's something like a BBQ or big party which is obviously a bit different). But yeah meals out, Friday night drinks, catch up over a coffee - nope.

Exactly.

@Nanny0gg well clearly they're welcome to their opinions. Nobody in my circles ever mind. I'm not saying OPs feeling are wrong. Just not my experience.

Couldn't stand this.

My own kids don't overstay their welcome with our friends. No way am I being subjected to someone else's kid.