Teenagers joining in with adult meals with guests

[axolotlfloof]

Our kids are mid to older teens.
Last 2 times we have had dinner at friends' houses (without our children) friends' teenage daughters have been at the meal (fine) and then have stayed and joined in (which obviously affects what can be discussed) until we have left. I don't really want to leave my kids at home to hang out with other people's teens.
Now friend has texted to say her teenage daughter will join us for dinner out at the weekend.
Aibu to think this is poor etiquette?
I like seeing these kids and knowing they are doing alright. I don't particularly want to spend the evening with them.
Aibu?

I think it’s weird if people expect their kids not to be there if they have dinner guests. If I invite friends with school aged kids, I invite the family not just the parents.

If any teenager genuinely wants to be there I have no issue at all with them doing so I can't imagine anything I would discuss over dinner that I can't say infront of them

I mean call me old fashioned but I am not going to mention my stools are a bit loose or my period is playing up over dinner teenage there or not

And if someone was having an affair or wanting to speak of what is on the news can't see why a teenager can't hear it

If they was to join on fine if they want to sit on phone fine, but why would I be bothered?

🤣
That's a bit of a leap.
No these are three different families. 3 different teenage girls.

Perhaps talk about lots of uninteresting topics at dinner and don’t centre the conversation around her at dinner.

One of my friends kids does this when we go on hikes, all the other kids walk together, one teenager with us and it’s SO annoying. She just wants to listen in to the conversation.

If they're in their own home they should be able to eat with you. Going out for a meal with you and their parents is weird though, and where I would draw the line.

No leap. Just mentioning some possibilities that you could look at and see what fits.

How old are your children? When they were younger, yes normal. Teenagers I wouldn't normally expect it.

a 15 yo is a bit different to a 5 yo child. They can get involved in the conversation and be around adults without much trouble for the adults. I think maybe you see her as a child when really she’s becoming a young adult. I think it’s nice her teenagers want to hang out with her. She probably just wants to enjoy her teenager for as long as possible.

Totally agree with this. My kids might join us for food & chat politely & then make their excuses. Same way they wouldn't want me plonking down beside them & their friends for the night if they visit lol

Same thing if we invited to friends for dinner where our kids not friends with their kids my teens would not want you come so will stay home!

Whereas II think it's really weird for teenagers to be at an adult dinner party, even if they know the adults really well. It's an adult dinner, not a family meet up, the two are very different.

I think it's possibly the over involvement of children in absolutely every aspect of life that's predominant nowadays, almost like adults aren't allowed to do or have anything of their own.

When I was a teenager and my parents' friends( who I'd known all my life) came to dinner, my parents told us that we could stay till X time to say hello and a bit of chat while they had a pre dinner drink, after that we had to go upstairs to our rooms or we would go out when we were older, we didn't sit at the table with them at all. The friends did exactly the same when hosting at their house. We socialised together as families too but they wanted and had adults only dinners.

When my children were that age I did exactly the same thing, we had another living room they could go in too but they had to keep the door shut, basically they were to keep away after the initial bit of chat. My children are adults now and we are close, neither then or now did it ever cause any issues at all.

Yeah that was not why she was jumped on. It had nothing to do with the age difference it was that she wasn't invited, was planning on gatecrashing, and wasn't respecting that it was her son and daughter in laws choice not to invite her. This situation isn't remotely similar to that, this teen was included by her parent as host initially.

Albeit I don’t have much experience as my parents are not the most social people.

wouldn't be banished to our rooms just because parents had guests - would be about for food etc and might socialise a bit if they were someone I had known my whole life more like family ( personally i wasn’t close many extended family members either but some people can get on well with aunts, uncles ect). Mainly I would still be fairly scarce. I think that is fairly normally, but I don’t think it’s common for teens to want to join parents for a friends meal out unless as i said they have there own relationships with that person. Prehaps they have total different thoughts tho and think it is very ‘grown up’, think you are ‘cool’ or friends now see them as adults. Also if you are going to a nice resturant that might be the reason they want to come, that is a nice treat.

It wouldn’t be a deal breaker but I think there are some conversations I would want to have without a 15 year old around.

could be a mental health/physical health reason why the teen can not be left alone (and have no where else to go) hence why they are coming to the resturant ? It doesn’t entirely explain why they didn't go to there own room for part of the evening before but prehaps they are not in a good place and like the distraction of being with others. or is is simply so the teen doesn’t have to make there own dinner/your friends make it before they go out

I find this kind of attitude very strange. If I share information with my friends teenagers, I am also sharing it with my children's school mates.
Do you tell your own children everything about yourself, or is there some information you only discuss with other adults?
So we saw friends tonight. I spoke about my worries I would be made redundant. I would not tell my DCs this as it is still at a slight worry stage, rather than definite. A friend last week who we met in a group of friends talked about their worries their drinking was getting out of control. Another friend talked about the Trans debate. Again it would not be appropriate for their children's school mates to hear this.
I mean do people who do not care about friends teenagers hearing everything being talked about only talk about superficial stuff? The weather? Music and films? And nothing personal?

And people talking about inter generational socialising are not getting it either. Or do your teenagers only ever socialise with adults present and never have time alone with their friends their own age so they can talk about what they want to?

If her kids are going to be there, I would expect her to go out of her way to invite yours as well.

I'm pleased I grew up being included in my parents friends and family gatherings. I'm also pleased that food was always served as a buffet if more than 6 guests were over which was usual. After food it would be all about laughter, music, singing and occasionally quizzes etc. So no, in my case the only personal stuff that included worries or inappropriate subjects for younger ears was conducted privately in the kitchen when I knew not to intervene. They would sometimes venture into politics or world affairs but mostly the guests were there primarily to enjoy a relaxing evening.

I like (most of) my friends’ dc, I’m interested in what they have to say and I think it’s really healthy for teens to participate in adult conversations. So, I’d be fine with this and the teen could always make their excuses and leave if they’re bored.

@Tomorrowsanuthrday that sounds more like families getting together - quizzes, music singing - than close friends meeting up. Its fine, but the conversation is superficial.
Or maybe some people simply do not have friends they talk to about anything meaningful?

Our teenagers wouldn’t want to have dinner with us and our friends! We sometimes pay DD to cook and serve dinner to us, a mutually very acceptable arrangement!

I'd assume the teen should be more than welcome to eat meals in her own home. In my family/friendship group kids of all ages join us at meals if they want to. They're more than capable of holding and contributing to interesting conversation. It sounds like you actively dislike this particular kid?
Do you expect teenagers to eat their turkey dinosaurs at the little table at 5pm, then all the adults can have a proper meal and conversation at 8pm once the kids are packed off to their rooms?
It sounds pretty old fashioned and 'othering' to be honest.

Not the case at all.My parents only had lifelong mostly professional friends and there were many. Ultimately they were mostly like family. I'm sure they had meaningful and no doubt probably boring discussions when I wasn't around but mostly I remember it as fun times.

@Tomorrowsanuthrday so there were times they met up without you?

YANBU!

They would have done but if the gathering was in my house I and my siblings were welcome to join them. We did go back and forward to our rooms but we were always around in the house or joining in. I didn't accompany my parents to friends houses but as far as I'm aware children & teens were also around during visits.

@Tomorrowsanuthrday you are talking about it from a teenagers point of view. I totally understand why you had no problem with it. But as I said, I do not want my DCs schoolmates knowing lots of personal info about me or my family. it is just not appropriate.
I am absolutely fine with teenagers around if it is a quiz, singing kind of do like you describe. But not if it is a group of adults sitting around talking.