Teenagers joining in with adult meals with guests

[axolotlfloof]

Our kids are mid to older teens.
Last 2 times we have had dinner at friends' houses (without our children) friends' teenage daughters have been at the meal (fine) and then have stayed and joined in (which obviously affects what can be discussed) until we have left. I don't really want to leave my kids at home to hang out with other people's teens.
Now friend has texted to say her teenage daughter will join us for dinner out at the weekend.
Aibu to think this is poor etiquette?
I like seeing these kids and knowing they are doing alright. I don't particularly want to spend the evening with them.
Aibu?

So you are advocating teen attendance as some sort of monitor of adult conversation! So we keep it wholesome and teen appropriate so as not to offend the teen Stasi agent living in the house! Adults are allowed their own social lives away from kids.

@axolotlfloof is the teenager perhaps a quiet homegirl without friends??? maybe she rarely goes out?

It can be a little annoying if they are hanging around. In my own home, I'd let them eat with us then say 'ok it's adult time now-buzz off' and keep it light hearted-there's nothing you can do when it's someone else's house.

No. Its only become a thing in the last few months.
I suspect it will be shortlived as mostly they will be off to uni in 1 to 3 yrs.

No. 3 different teenage girls. All nice, friendly average kids.
In 1 of the houses there was also an autistic child who wouldn't sit at the table, or eat the same food, we hardly saw. I would understand her parents encouraging her to do a bit of socialising, but it was her NT sister.

I am partly surprised they want to be there.

I don't want to hang out with other people's teenagers. If my friend always brought her elderly mother out with us, I would feel the same. I want to socialise with my friends.
I like my teens, but also like going out without them.

We hang out with friends and teenagers a lot. Wouldn't necessarily sensor what we talk about either. Take your teen along too and they will likely be too busy chatting to pay attention to the adults. Totally different to having an 8 year old join an adult evening.

Well, “teen” is from 13 to 19, so I guess it depends how old/mature the teen is.
We spent our DC’s pre-teen years teaching them how to eat at table: every evening dinner was served formally, and conversation encouraged, along with table manners. This continues to this day (they are adults, so it’s second nature to them now)
I wouldn’t expect to go to a general dinner with friends and discuss anything controversial or intimate, so from 14 I would have been comfortable letting the teens stay - unless, for example, the invitation was for the purpose of discussing something delicate or private…

Why aren’t your kids coming too? Enjoy a meal as a large group, and then retire to living rooms etc

My sons wouldn't want to come. The girls aren't their friends. They would rather stay home.
At our house I we had guests, they would come for food, polite chit chat, and disappear.

Sorry i posted and had missed this. I wonder if the difference is that you have boys. A massively generalisation obviously but one that is anecdotally very true. I mentioned our teens hanging out with the adult friendship group but this is without exception all girls. The one friend with only a boy teen, he never comes - would not consider it. He won't go anywhere with his family eg for a meal in the local area in case he bumps in to friends. Another has a boy and girl teens and although he's far more sociable and will occasionally come for a bit to a bbq etc if there will be a range of people there but that's about it. Teens will usually break off but later on often mix back on with the adults then break away again. If there is conversation that they find embarrassing they will make themselves scarce but it takes a lot to embarrass modern teens imo. Probably more streetwise than the adults

I still don't see why those subjects are off-limits for teenagers? If you're suggesting that the conversation will get TMI about my friends' sex lives or stuff that should be between them and their GP, I'm all for teenagers being present to prevent that happening
I am comfortable discussing my health issues with my friends who are having similar expierences. I don't want a teen listening in to be ho est. She us my friends dd, not my friend.

Otherwise teenagers can certainly cope with generalised health and sex talk. And they'd probably be up for talking politics, I was at that age. They should find work/career stuff useful (and if they get bored if the conversation veers into talking shop, they can peel off at that point). I would have found you insufferable.

I am not sure what the issue is with talking about "mutual friends" unless you mean you're bitching/gossiping about them in which case the problem isn't the teenagers is it.

Me and my friend talk about a mutual friend who is going through a tough time with her ex husband and her son is going off the rails.
Son is a mutual friend to our children. Friend knows we are talking about her because we say things like ' I told Cath about what happened with Si and she said.......' we are not bitching ,we are not talking behind her back. Friends do same about me.
Friends daughter doesn't need to know our mutual friend' son, her friend) is being an arse and is worrying mum.

What a weird take on things.

Hell would freeze over before my teen girls muscled in on my social life. They have their own social lives and we also really enjoy doing things as a family. They are very socially aware though.

The only time friends kids hang out with us is if dd is there too. We’re getting beyond play dates masquerading as socialising though so often the kids want to do their own thing.

My friends and I like to have get togethers that don’t necessarily involve the whole family. Neither do we always invite partners. We’ve been friends for decades - but that doesn’t mean our ‘family unit’ has to be friends too.

And we like to go out - dinner parties in each others homes isn’t our thing. Between when the kids were young and Covid, we’ve had enough of spending time in our houses.

Yes, possibly that they are girls is relevant
It's certainly a feature.
I don't really understand why they want to be there.

I personally love all the posters saying "When I was a teenager I loved having dinner with my parents and their friends and they all loved me being there!"

Yeah I bet they did😂

OP I completely agree with you. It's not even the subject matters, I just want to have dinner with friends and not feel like I have to think about what I'm saying. If kids / teens are there then yes, the conversation is geared more towards them and with the greatest of respects, I'm there for dinner and a catch up with friends, not their children.

My main take on this is that I want to hang round with my friends. Not their kids, including teenagers and probably ones in their early 20s if it is a house visit.
It is different if we are eating out and doing something in particular but for catching up I want to be with my peers who have a shared history and know me well.
It's not only teens though. I invited a friend I had lost touch with and reacquainted with. I invited her to dinner at mine. Dh said he would take the kids out so I could catch up and he wouldn't be in the way. She tur ed up with her new husband that I hadn't met before. I only had prepared food for two and the conversation was stilted and awkward because his presence. She later phoned up and acknowledged it was strange.

Otherwise teenagers can certainly cope with generalised health and sex talk. And they'd probably be up for talking politics, I was at that age. They should find work/career stuff useful.

Sorry but there is no way on this planet I would be discussing sex in front of teenagers. Nor my health for that matter. For the same reason I wouldn't discuss it with work colleagues or my neighbours. They are not my friends and it is not their business.

Teens would find work / career talk "useful"??? Not sure what teens you know but DSD probably doesn't even know what we do for a living - never mind be interested in it 😂

And if a 15 year old started talking about politics with us I would really struggle to not roll my eyes...

Well when the friends had their teens there too it probably was a mutual feeling. I guess this could suggest though that you repeat what is the norm for you growing up. Those who hung out with adults as teens won't find it odd and those who didn't will!

Exactly this. WTF is your friend thinking?

All I’ve got from this thread is that there are a lot of dull people about who don’t like to talk about NSFW topics with their friends! I would just bow out of this dinner out OP, don’t do things you don’t want to do, especially if you’re paying money to do so. Go on a nice date with your DH instead - time is precious!

Absolutely I would be gutted to waste a Saturday night and £200 to chat to someone else’s teen! Fuck that!

Mine would eat with us and then a bit of polite conversation. Normally they would then go and hang out elsewhere (upstairs) after.

Sometimes a teen in a househould is using this to show they are more grown up that their younger siblings.
I'd be pissed off too, because if I'm with close friends I like to discuss my kids and the usual struggles etc with teen behaviours and hearing other friends' experiences. One can't do that with a teen sitting there hanging on every word and gawping at you.
The conversation has to be kept at a non- personal level and not involve conversations about 'parenting' or reminising about the antics of the people at the table when they were younger so to speak 😎

This is what I consider 'normal' and to my mind acceptable. Boys or girls?
PP suggested it's a sociable teen girl issue.