Teenagers joining in with adult meals with guests

[axolotlfloof]

Our kids are mid to older teens.
Last 2 times we have had dinner at friends' houses (without our children) friends' teenage daughters have been at the meal (fine) and then have stayed and joined in (which obviously affects what can be discussed) until we have left. I don't really want to leave my kids at home to hang out with other people's teens.
Now friend has texted to say her teenage daughter will join us for dinner out at the weekend.
Aibu to think this is poor etiquette?
I like seeing these kids and knowing they are doing alright. I don't particularly want to spend the evening with them.
Aibu?

Maybe that's the answer. Instead I felt obliged to keep the conversation appropriate.
These are all kids I knew well when they were little, and see occasionally now.
Some of them know my kids so then I have to bear in mind if I want kids at my children's school to know stuff. Basically I didn't feel relaxed.
My kids would come to the table for the food, but not the conversation.

I would say "oh I didn't realise it was something the kids were coming to, I will check if mine are free". Make it obvious that it is a separate thing. I get teen kids being at home and coming for a chat with everyone. We always buy ours popcorn and sweets and buy a movie in the hope they bugger off! I wouldn't be taking them out for dinner in a restaurant with my friends, that would be weird unless other peoples kids were going.

If visiting someone’s house, it’s strange to expect them to banish near-adult family members from your sight. If eating out it’s a different matter.

For those worried about discussing politics, sex, etc in front of your teens, I hate to break the news but they have probably heard it all by now, and in much less delicate terms than how adults would discuss these things.

Gawd, when I was a teenager the last thing I'd have wanted to do would be to go out with my parents and their friends! 😂 I have 2 friends who will sometimes bring their daughters (late teens/early twenties) to a lunch or coffee meet up. I enjoy their company (I have no daughters) and it's nice to spend time with them and catch up on what's going on in their lives! It definitely changes the tone of the conversation and there are things I would only discuss with my friends when the kids aren't around. It's not every time we meet though, it's fairly infrequent.

I like it when the teens want to hang out with the grown ups at meals - it means the food & the company are good. As long as they're making conversation & joining in - rather than scrolling on their phones then I'm happy for them to be there and they often have something on interesting to say. They're allowed to drift off too after they've eaten but that only tends to happen if there are other kids to hang out with.

Change the venue and say the teen isn't invited as you'd rather adult time

You're right. I can't back out, so will suck it up.
I will make an effort to invite friends to dinner here next time instead. My sons have no interest in hanging out with their parents' friends.
Maybe it's girls with more maturity and better social skills. I was surprised when they didn't buzz off when the food was done.

You know what's funny, there was a thread last week where OP was going to turn up at her son's Halloween party and everyone jumped on her until she accepted it was inappropriate for her due to the age/generational gap. But now it's okay????

I've read this exact same thread before, so perhaps it's a common problem?

Either way it wouldn't bother me at all in their own home.

I wouldn't expect them to come to an adult meal in a restaurant though.

I can think of numerous topics I'd not want to talk about with ANY children present.

15 isn’t near adult though and certainly should not be around adults talking about their sex lives etc, parents are allowed to have a social life outside their children, id be happy with them being around for the meal but id then tell them to make themselves scarce.

Or suck it up and moan on Mumsnet?

Agree. Love my teens and enjoy occasions when they are included along with other teens when it’s an event on that basis.. But going to a dinner party with other peoples teens there is a heartsink scenario. I have enough teen talk if my own at home and want an adult night out.

Plus it’s pretty odd behaviour - my teens would be more likely to fly to the moon than muscle in on our social life. They wouldn’t like it if I plonked myself down on their beds when their mates come round.

I totally agree with you OP . It’s changes the atmosphere. I would have to speak to your friend and say adults only for your evening out.

If I went to someone's house I wouldn't expect children to be absent unless it were a formal dinner party sort of situation. Going out, I don't think I would expect the children.

Growing up, if my parents had friends over, we would join them for the meal, then go elsewhere so the adults could spend time by themselves. We couldn't really be expected to stay in our rooms all evening.

I think teens joining adult dinner parties at home is really nice and SUCH a benefit and learning for the teens in terms of how to communicate and socialise and discuss like an adult. They get so much out of it. Learning what intelligent, informed, respectful discourse looks like. Given this generation’s struggles with socialising (broad generalisation but Covid, smart phones, screens) I think it’s such a nice thing to do for them. And makes conversations more interesting when they share their perspective!

But bringing a teen to a restaurant when it’s a night out with a group of my friends is very different and that I would appreciate less, unless good reason!!

Ps my mum’s friends did occasionally take me on theatre trips with them which I really did appreciate, made a huge difference in my outlook.

Absolutely this.
There isn't anything personal I want to share with a 15 y o girl, especially if she is going to the same school as my children.

It might sound contrary but at least I'm honest. I would welcome teenagers and even young children. I enjoy their company.

I would expect teens to disappear, but they do have a habit of taking over the conversation.

I think it’s bad manners of your friend to invite anyone - even her own daughter to a social event that want meant for her.

I call in sick and skip it. Pointless when you could hang out with your own teens.

Yes. Kids staying for food is normal. Staying for after dinner chat and drinks, no. It was lovely to see both girls, but I was disappointed they didn't disappear after dinner so we could relax. Hopefully this phase is short.

Poor etiquette? Really? Is this the early 1900's. Should they be with the nanny and taken up the back stairs to bed??
If you come to my house for a dinner party then you will expect to eat with my child (albeit he's 20 now). From the age of about 17 he really didn't want to be there but at 15, if you accept an invitation to my home where I'm making you a free meal (and you are my friend) then my son is getting fed too!

I would feel bad but behind my polite smile I would be thinking “please sod off”

Oh wait, I would t bring my son to someone else's house unless he has been specifically invited, I may have read wrongly

Yes I’d just say in that case is it ok if we bring ours.

That will orobably stop them asking them as they probably feel the same way you do!

Actually my teens do tend to hang around for the pre-food chat, the meal and conversation and then peel off after dessert. Especially if I put an old record on that’s not their taste. That’s when we can talk about sensitive things / topics not for their ears!