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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenagers joining in with adult meals with guests

216 replies

axolotlfloof · 08/09/2024 22:37

Our kids are mid to older teens.
Last 2 times we have had dinner at friends' houses (without our children) friends' teenage daughters have been at the meal (fine) and then have stayed and joined in (which obviously affects what can be discussed) until we have left. I don't really want to leave my kids at home to hang out with other people's teens.
Now friend has texted to say her teenage daughter will join us for dinner out at the weekend.
Aibu to think this is poor etiquette?
I like seeing these kids and knowing they are doing alright. I don't particularly want to spend the evening with them.
Aibu?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 08/09/2024 22:39

If I go to a friends house for dinner I do not expect them to have gotten rid of their kids, no matter what age.

ZenNudist · 08/09/2024 22:39

I dunno. I accept my friends dc. It doesn't stop me talking to my friends. What are you talking about that you can't say it in front of a teen?

Smartiepants79 · 08/09/2024 22:40

Nope, you are not.
Why on earth did the teenage daughter want to hang out with her mum and her mates on Saturday night? A bit unusual.
She should not be coming.

Moonshine5 · 08/09/2024 22:41

OP @axolotlfloof
I'm with you, changes the whole vibe.
You can't tell them, everyone thinks their children are the exception lol.
You can call in sick or suck it up.

BigFeetEnergy · 08/09/2024 22:42

Poor etiquette? Of course the teenagers should eat in the nursery with nanny

FriendlyNeighbourhoodAccountant · 08/09/2024 22:42

You've got a few options in my option.

  1. take your kids with you as well
  2. tell them it changes the dynamic and you'd prefer to keep it a child free evening
  3. decline and tell them why
  4. decline, don't tell them the real reason and keep declining each invitation until they stop inviting you
Smartiepants79 · 08/09/2024 22:43

Codlingmoths · 08/09/2024 22:39

If I go to a friends house for dinner I do not expect them to have gotten rid of their kids, no matter what age.

They can surely go and be in a different room of the house though? At least for part of the time.

LibertyStars · 08/09/2024 22:43

I really like this. Much more interesting to have a mix of generations.

suburberphobe · 08/09/2024 22:44

Yea, totally get you OP.

Way different situation if with a couple or with their daughter in tow.

It's a difficult one. Maybe they don't want to leave her home alone because of worries of -ahem- unsuitable boyfriends....

Personally, I don't understand why people need to be joined at the hip when they go out.

Mum Or Dad can take her out, giving someone some peace at home too....

Notamum12345577 · 08/09/2024 22:44

ZenNudist · 08/09/2024 22:39

I dunno. I accept my friends dc. It doesn't stop me talking to my friends. What are you talking about that you can't say it in front of a teen?

Sex?

Wtafdidido · 08/09/2024 22:45

Wouldn’t bother me. Bring your teens next time and the kids will all probably drift off to another room to hang out.

SquigglePigs · 08/09/2024 22:46

I can understand where you're coming from in that in changes the dynamic.

When I was that age I did like to join in as I liked my parents friends (and to be fair a bit of FOMO). We agreed that I would join them for the starter so I could say hi, have a chat etc. and then I'd leave them to it (obviously I had eaten more earlier, they didn't starve me!).

It's OK to agree healthy boundaries. You need to have a gentle chat with your friends.

Arrivapercy · 08/09/2024 22:46

Yeah thats weird.

At that age why do the teens want to be there?

At those sorts of dinners my friends and i might discuss any number of things not for teenagers ears:

  • mutual friends
  • health stuff
  • sex
  • politics
  • work/career stuff

The conversation can get personal. The teenagers are not my friends, I do not want to share information like this with them.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 08/09/2024 22:46

No problem at their house, but going out I would expect to be child free. No matter what their age.

I would politely say that you had expected it to be a child free evening as it has been previously and would prefer it to stay that way

LamasPyjama · 08/09/2024 22:47

BigFeetEnergy · 08/09/2024 22:42

Poor etiquette? Of course the teenagers should eat in the nursery with nanny

That's not what she said though. She's said that it's poor etiquette for the teenager to come out for the meal.

I agree with you OP. Like you I think it's fine for the teenager to be there whilst you are eating at their house but I'd expect them to go off and d9 something else later in the evening. I don't hang around with my teenager's friends when they come over.

GoingWithTheWasp · 08/09/2024 22:47

Bring your kids with you and enjoy spending time with them.
If your friends don't like that then you can have a discussion about perhaps going out adults only next time so you can catch up properly

mewkins · 08/09/2024 22:48

At someone's house I'd expect that there kids are there or kind of drifting about. Strange to bring them out to dinner though unless they suggest you bring yours too and it's a family meal.

MavisPennies · 08/09/2024 22:48

Yeah, it does change the vibe and I voted YANBU, but this does happen with DS who is 16 sometimes. There are some of my friends who he really likes and wants to hang out with and it's really hard to hurt his feelings and tell him to buzz off, especially if there's nice food and potentially a board game or someone who is into stuff he is also into. So I understand your friends position too.

RamonaRamirez · 08/09/2024 22:49

We sometimes had this

sometimes with our teens, sometimes with other friends teens

never been a problem, yes it changes the vibe a bit but I still talk about anything in front of teens, cannot think what type of conversation is off topic

Sex, politics, religion, drugs, anything can be discussed with teens present imo

They may find it cringe though and leave 😁😇

Original poster
axolotlfloof · 08/09/2024 22:50

ZenNudist · 08/09/2024 22:39

I dunno. I accept my friends dc. It doesn't stop me talking to my friends. What are you talking about that you can't say it in front of a teen?

I want to talk to my friend not her teenage daughter.
With 15 y o last month her Mum suggested she went elsewhere after dinner, but her Dad encouraged her to stay.
I definitely would speak differently in front of a child.
It's not like there were other children there.

OP posts:
Arrivapercy · 08/09/2024 22:50

I mean ffs there can be all sorts of gossip. "Tom smith has shagged the cleaner again, mary has moved out", "sam jones is selling the business, he said its enough to retire early". My husband is often asked for financial advice, at a dinner part recently a friend was talking about having been offered redundancy. These aren't things people want to talk about with some random teenagers.

Coffeeisnecessary · 08/09/2024 22:50

I'm with you, totally changes the dynamic, what if you want to talk about personal stuff? I don't want a teenager knowing my business!

Coffeeisnecessary · 08/09/2024 22:51

To be honest I'm amazed that there are people who aren't bothered by this!! Maybe I talk about stuff I shouldn't!!

DancingNotDrowning · 08/09/2024 22:54

If we were having a particularly formal dinner then the DC would eat separately, but a more casual supper; lunch or any sort of drinks party or BBQ the DC would be around, if they wanted to be.

I like the inter- generational mixing, it adds another dimension.

DoreenonTill8 · 08/09/2024 22:54

@axolotlfloof do you find that the teen then becomes the centre of the conversations? As in most questions are directed at teen?