Teenagers joining in with adult meals with guests

[axolotlfloof]

Our kids are mid to older teens.
Last 2 times we have had dinner at friends' houses (without our children) friends' teenage daughters have been at the meal (fine) and then have stayed and joined in (which obviously affects what can be discussed) until we have left. I don't really want to leave my kids at home to hang out with other people's teens.
Now friend has texted to say her teenage daughter will join us for dinner out at the weekend.
Aibu to think this is poor etiquette?
I like seeing these kids and knowing they are doing alright. I don't particularly want to spend the evening with them.
Aibu?

This wouldn't bother me but my teen DD has mental health difficulties and is probably more reliant on family members for social interaction than many other teens would be. I wouldn't take her to a meal out with friends but wouldn't stop her joining a meal at home. I would have extended the invite to friends DC too if I knew my DD would be at the meal.

The "cool parents" with the inter generational mixing...
until 15 year old Tarquin tells India he heard his parents and their friends discussing how India's dad is shagging his personal assistant.
What a fabulous "dimension" to add.
Children and teenagers have no place at adult only events.

It's not "othering" for god's sake. Adults should be able to have time on their own without children, not every aspect of life has to include them. Yes on those occasions they should eat earlier or go out, OP is talking about mid to late teens.
I'm assuming that when your teenage children invite their friends round and they cook pizza or whatever, you sit right there with them all evening and join in their conversation about who fancies who, or what so and so did with such and such etc etc, ignoring the fact that they and their friends think you're weird for doing that and really you should make yourself scarce for a few hours.

I don’t think anyone is arguing that it’s not ok or rude for adults to plan adults-only time. That’s fine!

But what OP asked is whether people thought it’s inherently rude for teens to be included in conversation or asked to stay at the table with company. Other posters are sharing their opinion that it’s not weird or rude for teens to be included.

Both of these scenarios are perfectly fine and normal. The problem here is that OP and her friends aren’t on the same page about which of these occasions they’re having. It’s not an etiquette breach, it’s a communication problem.

When we have friends over for dinner if our teens are at home they will join for food, have a chat then politely excuse themselves. Both for their benefit but also to allow us to have conversation with our friends without them.

An acquaintance always includes her teenage DD in every social occasion and conversation. Including discussing partner swapping involving parents from the DD’s school which I thought was very inappropriate. The DD also shared some opinions she’d heard about the XW of one of her dad’s friends who she’d never met but who the XH and new wife like to complain about when they’ve had a few drinks. Just not what I want to hear from a 15yo tbh. I think she should be socialising with people of her own age not gossiping about the sex lives of adults.

I'd really hate it too so would pull out. Sorry Jane, I love everyone's kids but was looking forward to some adult time, so will come next time. Have a great time.

@AGoingConcern some people are arguing that there is no occasion where teenagers should not be included.

I don’t think they are, but I do think you’ve misinterpreted some comments to mean that.

I’m quite certain I’ve read this exact OP before

If you are right and everyone thinks its fine to say adults only at some social occasions, then this is a simple misunderstanding and not worthy of a thread.

Fine to eat with you but I would expect them to make their excuses so I can enjoy my friends company.

This sums up how I feel.

how odd I honestly thought this post was going to be about ‘rude teens’ staying in their room when we have guests over, aibu to expect them to join in with dinner and conversation. Growing up I have fond memories of my parents having their friends over (some who had children and brought them, some who didn’t) and having dinner together. As a teen sometimes I would. Going out myself - maybe my parents timed it this way sometimes I have no idea but I definitely was there others including dinners out shock. I’m still friendly with some of these people now and we may go for dinner with them if I was back visiting my home town.
edit to add my mum and dad definitely had adult nights on their own but not so much as a couple until I was off doing my own thing

I am also a believer that it changes the dynamics and conversation, and would be unhappy with the teenagers being included on a night out - especially without it at least being discussed first.
Only advice - don’t make much effort with them this time! Don’t ask them about themselves or ask for their opinions. Think of general topics you feel interested in, such as something in the news, politics, books, films, travel.
Plus how do you usually split the bill when eating out with friends. Don’t offer to split the bill per couple. Maybe when it’s time for the bill, ask casually “What are we doing about the bill tonight?”

YANBU.

The dinner invite. You’re leaving your teens at home, friends teens know yours at school, of course this changes the dynamics of post dinner conversation! Teens can be included but sod off after they’ve eaten.

The restaurant trip where it should have just been the two of you. I’d be tempted to cancel. It is poor etiquette imo. It will again change the dynamics of what you can discuss, unless this is why your friend is doing this?

On the plus side, you are obviously well liked by these teens 😆

This is the one I remember www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4787987-to-really-not-want-teenagers-at-the-table?page=1

What are you talking about that you can't say it in front of a teen?
Your personal stuff eg relationships, sex, finances, family problems, job issues the list is endless!

Have you posted this before? I remember an almost identical one not so long ago

She wasn't invited due to the age / generational difference. Go read the thread lol

I get that you do not wish to spend time with other people's teenagers. But a family is a unit.
I think you should take your teens too.
By the way, when we take ours out, if there is more than one, we sit them on a table nearby, so they have some space to do their own thing.
Regarding the theme of convo, most definitively, I do not want to discuss anything that is not teen acceptable when out for dinner, so that suits me.

“A family is a unit” is so stifling! You spend so much time with them it’s very healthy to want to be with your friends for a change. Them dragging along to that is weird sorry.

I would be internally eye rolling if I thought I had an evening ahead of political discussion/ local gossip and instead ended up talking about Tabitha’s a level results. Plus sorry to say the sort of teens that want to do this in the first place are “a type”. The normal ones would be out with friends or in their rooms not holding court with their parents friends.

Who has said that teenagers aren't welcome to eat meals in their own home? Certainly not the OP.

Hopefully the teenager in question is capable of actually following the conversation and making a contribution that's relevant rather than just random thoughts that don't align with the subject that's is being discussed.

But a family is a unit.

So nobody in your family does anything without the others? You hang around with your children's mates and go to the pub with them and nightclubbing on a Thursday night. Do you go on their dates? Or if they are younger and someone asks them over for tea after school you go too and play with their Barbie Dream House.

Your children and your husband go with you on your evenings out with your friends and when their dad goes to see his friends you all go too?

Or is it just the mother who shouldn't have their own friends?

ooh looking forward to tonight Monday night student night at the local club tonight my 18 year old and her mates will be thrilled at my presence! I can just explain our family is a unit they will understand.

I still don't see why those subjects are off-limits for teenagers? If you're suggesting that the conversation will get TMI about my friends' sex lives or stuff that should be between them and their GP, I'm all for teenagers being present to prevent that happening.

Otherwise teenagers can certainly cope with generalised health and sex talk. And they'd probably be up for talking politics, I was at that age. They should find work/career stuff useful (and if they get bored if the conversation veers into talking shop, they can peel off at that point).

I am not sure what the issue is with talking about "mutual friends" unless you mean you're bitching/gossiping about them in which case the problem isn't the teenagers is it.