Teenagers joining in with adult meals with guests

[axolotlfloof]

Our kids are mid to older teens.
Last 2 times we have had dinner at friends' houses (without our children) friends' teenage daughters have been at the meal (fine) and then have stayed and joined in (which obviously affects what can be discussed) until we have left. I don't really want to leave my kids at home to hang out with other people's teens.
Now friend has texted to say her teenage daughter will join us for dinner out at the weekend.
Aibu to think this is poor etiquette?
I like seeing these kids and knowing they are doing alright. I don't particularly want to spend the evening with them.
Aibu?

I'm with you OP, plus how does the cost of the meal get split, I would also be concerned I would end up subbing the cost of the teens meal.

I would live with it this time, but I would organise the next get together and make it clear as politely as you can that it's adults only.

Mine never did

Yanbu

I have a boy and a girl.

@LamasPyjama I took at that the first instance was OP complaining the teen joined them at table in her parents home, while OP was visiting?
I totally agree with you that they should be able to hold a decent conversation.

ZenNudist
I dunno. I accept my friends dc. It doesn't stop me talking to my friends. What are you talking about that you can't say it in front of a teen?

Sex?

@Notamum12345577 I don't go out for dinner at my friends house to talk about sex!

The kids live there. What's the big deal? You're being a bit precious imo.

Can you book in a walk or a coffee where their kid is not around if you really want to talk about sex with your friend?

Why? Honestly bizarre.
In this house / or my friend's houses, the kids would eat, then go hang out upstairs or wherever.
They'd find that conversation really boring. But I'm not sure what harm would be caused if they heard you talking 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't know if it's a girl issue. My DS nearly 16 is more comfortable with coming down when he's hungry, having a quick chat with my friends and respond to how are you, how's school type of question, grab a snack and head back upstairs. My DD 14 will stay in her room, just coming down for dinner and disappearing upstairs afterwards (and then expecting me to go up to her to give her snacks!).

But teenagers who hang out with adults all evenings is definitely a "type" as a pp said.

When my teenager has friends round I know to steer clear. But sometimes they want my opinion on something and I'm happy to get involved. They discuss all kinds of topics. They are late teens though.

But I'm reminded of that scene in Bridgerton where an entire family attends dinner together (all 8 children from primary age to late 20s) with their mother and their adult guest and the mother asks the guest if he minds, because it was an unusual arrangement in the Georgian era (if you are unfamiliar with the show, it's set in 1813 onwards). To my mind, northing has changed in this debate. I myself would invite everyone regardless of age (it's up to the teenagers if they want to come, though) but everyone is different.

I’m quite surprised by lots of the responses. When we have friends over for dinner, our kids have eaten previously or we order them pizza and they spend a lovely evening playing computer games or watching films. I wouldn’t for a second expect them to join us, in the same way I’d not for a second expect to sit in with my teenage son and his mates when they visit. We are allowed times socialising apart.
I don’t want to censor my conversation because young ears are listening and there are things (besides sex) that I don’t want to talk about in front of people who aren’t my own, trusted friends. Whilst I like my friends’ children, for the most part, they aren’t my friends, their parents are.

It isn't just sex and health issues that I wouldn't want to talk about with teenagers around. There's so many things, for example, I'm having a tough time dealing with my mum and her unreasonable behaviour. I wouldn't want my kids to overhear me saying negative stuff about their grandparents, but I want to off load to my friends. Or sometimes they want to talk about something that they'd feel uncomfortable about if my kids were around. It's for the sake of the guest too sometimes that it's just adults only.

But she didn't say that, she said she thought it was fine that they were at the meal at their own house but that she didn't think they would stay around and chat with her and her friend for the whole of the rest of the evening.

Yes, issues with parents is a very good example of something I wouldn’t want to discuss with my, or anyone else’s teens around. There are topics that are simply none of their business. I’m surprised this is so controversial- I doubt anyone would think that a parent had the right to sit and listen to the conversations of their teenage children so why is it that parents aren’t afforded the same courtesy?

@LamasPyjama ok. I still think it's weird she should have to eat her meal then leave immediately rather just naturally bring part of the conversation and joining in. But maybe she isn't mature enough for such things? I don't know. It's just totally different to what my friends and family do.

I'd be a bit pissed off at this. My friends & I discuss all sorts of stuff that isn't suitable for kids' ears plus I don't want to have to watch my language!

If the teenage daughter had friends over, do you think Mum should be able to hang around and join in the conversation for as long as she fancies?

I want to talk about my friends health which she won't necessarily want to in romt of a teen, our shared memories and maybe my children.

Tbf my friend wanted her daughter to clear off after dinner, but husband wanted her to stay, and presumably she did.
Will invite the adults to our house next time.
Can't you see there are lots of topics women.may want to discuss away from teens kids?

“Allowed” is where I stumble. Teenager might feel the need to make themselves scarce after a family dinner, parents might be asked if they could facilitate a teenage get together in their home and make themselves scarce. “Allowed” only comes into it if the parent is being asked if kids can have a party etc.

Nobody said she should immediately leave.

Teenagers spending whole entire evenings with the friends of their parents and going out to dinner with them is totally different from what my family does.

We have our own friends and our own pastimes. If I arrange to go out to eat with one or a group of my friends I don't take my teenagers and if I have friends to my home, I would expect my teenagers and my husband to all be eating together but I would also expect them to drift off afterwards because they have their own interests to pursue.

I'm interested to know whether it's just the mother that you expect to share all of her friends and social life with her children. Or whether in your family nobody does anything without the other people.

I love my friend's teens. Beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful souls. When I go round and the conversation gets a bit ..well...not what a teen might want to hear (usually when we've all had a few drinks) they smile sweetly and politely go off to their rooms where I am sure much cringeing and discussion of middle aged misbehaving goes on!! 😂

I would take DS to a meal as in public we aren't going to discuss anything he can't hear. When at home he usually joins us for food and then goes to play something less cringe than sitting with us.

I didn’t use the word allowed?

But why would you think he’d be welcome at an adult get together in a restaurant?

Im amazed there are people who don’t socialise without their children. Or who think it’s ok to bring along a child to an adults meal in a restaurant. I wonder if they are the same people who would bring their partner along to a girls night out?

Unless by ‘adult meals’ you mean eating sushi off each other naked bodies, what’s the problem? You are going to their family home.

Do you hang out with his friends too?

They're going out...