To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

You're correct that it's a private conversation and perhaps he will think twice next time.

You might get a hard time as stepmums always do on here but I can't get past him reading the messages to be honest, regardless of the content.

He has no right to go reading your messages, and you gave every right to feel the way you do. You have a right to privacy in the conversations you have with friends.

I find this idea that you love your stepchildren, because you love thier parent, a bit odd

DH has 3 kids .. all adults now. We got on well, saw them regularly, took them on holiday, christmases etc - I do not feel the same war about them, as I do about my biological child.

Your responses are clearly very unfavourable about his children - it reads as if you don't like them. Do you? You say you do a lot for them and put them first at times over yourself etc etc but you don't actually say that you like them .
Obviously he shouldn't be reading your messages but I can totally see why he is pissed off at what you said. It must have been unpleasant for him to read. I would be very upset if I read this from my DH about my DS.

I'm not surprised he's upset, reading that about his children.

That’s pretty tame as far as step kids go. I couldn’t be a step mum. Your DH is overreacting to take attention away from the fact he was snooping through your phone.

This post sounds familiar... wasn't there one like this yesterday or am I imagining it?

Totally agree. I’m in a similar position, and would also add that they don’t feel the same way about me as they do their mum and dad, which is absolutely fine.

He said it was because he saw a message pop up on my screen that said the children's names.

My friend did message to ask how I got on with X & Y (their names), so that could well be the case but still I don't think it's an excuse.

I responded after that message with the above as in my OP and then later on he wanted to see what it had been about so read them.

Apparently he's worried for a while that I treat our DC together better and this cements it. Again from my POV I disagree, our DC are young, DSC are teens. No point comparing imo. Their needs are entirely different.

There is no way you can love them as your own as you didn’t give birth to them. If anything him thinking that undermines the bond they share with their own mother in my view but I digress.

You’re doing great if you get on with them, and there is nothing awful about what you said, you’re entitled to those feelings.

YNBU and your husband is an arse for reading your messages.

I'm not either.

It must've stung even though the OP was simply being honest.

But it's totally his own fault for snooping.

The issue is he read the messages. Is this typical of him?

He doesn’t like hearing the truth. That you don’t love his children. That’s not wrong but it’s not nice hearing it.
Bottom line he shouldn’t have read your messages and I’d be absolutely livid if my DH snooped through my phone. Not because I have anything to hide. But because it shows a lack of trust

He probably does like the reality that you’ll never feel for his kids what he feels for them. I think it's very usual however for step parents to feel differently towards their stepkids over their own kids.

I think if you have a good relationship with your stepkids and are kind and fair with them, then he doesn't have much to complain about.

I do think it's crossing a boundary reading your messages.

There was a very similar one, although not exactly the same.

He shouldn’t have read your messages and you can’t help feeling how you feel, but I’m not surprised he feels the way he feels having read them. I would feel pretty upset if I knew my step parent felt that way about me, and I’d be very upset if I read it about my children. It reads like they are an inconvenience on you. I suppose he learned the hard way not to snoop.

I’ve definitely read it before!

Truth hurts 🤷🏼‍♀️ don’t go looking if you don’t wanna find. Yea must be unpleasant to read but not like you said I fucking hate bill and Ben, couldn’t never love them and they’re messy shits, it’s fine when my daughter makes mess but his kids urgh

so he needs to get a grip a bit. I think what you said is mostly obvious people do not love the children they didn’t create in the same way if at all in the way they love their own children

Maybe start a conversation with your friends about the positives of divorce...

Pretty sure the messages in question were the same.

No you aren’t. Your sentiments are very honest and I don’t see how anyone with step kids would disagree with the fact it can be very hard.

I remember having conversations with friends about our own kids and one saying she love her kids but doesn’t always like them.

while it’s something you might not be proud of, or say to everyone, it’s a truth you’d share with like minded people.

and where these comments were made is important- it was a private conversation with close friends. You weren’t saying this in front of the step kids - or your husband.

Having said that, I can imagine he found it quite hurtful. We all take criticism of our own kids to heart, don’t we?

but the elephant in the room is the fact he was looking through your texts- it’s really out of order.

He's also saying that he's annoyed I didn't disagree with the others when they were saying things that were harsh. For example one friend said she doesn't know how we (as in the friends in the chat with SC) cope having random strangers in our house.

I don't agree with that and I certainly didn't say anything in agreement with that but I didn't say anything against it either which to him is the same as agreeing apparently.

It is unrealistic of him to expect the OP to love his children as if they were her own. They aren’t.

Reading her messages is unforgivable.

I don't think you're wrong to feel that way, or to discuss with friends in private, but I don't think I'd ever put that in writing in a group chat. It was bound to be hurtful if either your husband or the stepchildren saw it. For goodness sake keep your messages private and your screen locked as a minimum, if you are going to write this kind of thing.

Also there are people who love non biological children as their own - adopted or those born via donor eggs etc, "even" step children too in many cases. It's a pretty stupid thing to say to be honest

If you said it to him, or to the kids he would have a right to be upset, but you had personal feelings that you discussed with your friends in private, you weren't even being awful about them, just talking about the situation in general.

You're allowed private thoughts, and you're allowed to discuss those in private.

He took that option away from you and is using his snooping as a stick to beat you with.

That's a bit of a generalisation, what about adoptive parents?