To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

but I would apologise about the cleaning up comment .it’s not great that you have less tolerance for part of your family because you didn’t give birth to them

Part of me is reluctant to apologise for what was said by me as I don't feel it would be an honest apology. Just because he's read them and is upset doesn't mean I didn't mean them so I don't know what to do in that regard. An apology in relation to the actual wording would be false on my part and I don't think helpful I guess? I don't know.

But I am sorry he was upset by them which I have said (although also semi his own fault for reading them in the first place!)

He shouldn't have read your messages but you're allowed to feel how you feel.

I'm not a step parent, but I couldn't imagine that I could love another child like I do my own. I adore my nieces and am very maternal towards them but it's still not the same. I do think there are people that could love the same, and that's great.

I think in the case of adoption, you've chosen to adopt, the dc are with you full time and your role is to parent them. People don't choose to become step parents in the same way.

I’d be annoyed about him reading the messages.

god of my husband read mine there are sometimes rants to friends about him annoying me / not doing enough around the house / with the kids etc - it’s me just having a stressful evening or whatever and needing to vent to someone

I’m entitled to talk to my friends about whatever I want

There's a lot going on here tbh.

He shouldn't have read your messages BUT I can understand the curiosity after seeing his DC's names.

As a detached outsider you didn't say anything overly terrible, but at the same time I would be gutted to read anyone in my kids' lives write about them like that. "It's hard, they're good kids but...". It's actually quite negative in sentiment.

Adding that on top of him already feeling like you don't treat his kids right, I can understand why he's upset. Even though he shouldn't have looked, and you're not technically wrong.

It's feelings, not facts. If that makes any sense.

You can never treat a step child the same as your own… I personally think and he shouldn’t have been snooping!

I think this is a good point.. Does DH expect the DSC to love you like their own mother?

This is how I feel. I'm sure he's said some less than perfect things about me before to his friend/s.

Plus I was barely even involved in the conversation, it wasn't me needing a rant, what I said was more in support/solidarity to the person needing the said vent, not me venting if that makes sense!

Well its a shame that this is how you feel… no matter how rare it is for a step parent to truly love a step child, still, it’s no wonder that your husband is gutted that you don’t love his children as much as he does 🤷‍♀️ it must be very sad for a parent to see that.

(my stepdad truly loved me as his own so it is possible)

Also I suspect the overall tone of the conversation was pretty ugly if no one pulled the friend up on the "random strangers" (wtf!) comment.

Even if what you wrote wasn't that bad, you were still part of a group slagging stepchildren off (or so it seems).

He's probably a bit shocked to read what he's been feeling for a while.

I guess the level you're supposed to achieve is never enough when you're a step-parent, unless you genuinely feel it and love them with everything you have.

I don't think you can switch that on and off and it's perhaps not your fault if you can't feel that level.

of course that's the level he'd like but how often does it happen, in reality?

I'm not sure who is right or wrong. Are his expectations too high? Or should you try and love them more? It's very hard to choose here.

Just another reason I'll never be in a blended family.

Yanbu, you were being truthful in a private conversation.

I could never love someone else's children like my own and neither would I want to. I would rather be single than take on any one else's children and I really can't see how anyone would think of their own child the same as someone else's child. I'm sure many would agree. I have friends who have step kids and feel the exact same as you op.

I'm not surprised he's upset. Why was he looking through your phone though?

No idea, some do, some don’t, maybe start a thread on biological maternal love vs insert whatever

Forgot to add you missed the important bit of ‘as their own’, if you’re going to come and me, at least read what I wrote.

Whenever anyone uses the word ‘but’ I think about Dr Phil’s take on that word.

“BUT is a powerful word. It means forget everything I just said, I'm now going to tell you what I really mean."

Also adoption is very very different. You make a choice to have those children be it via adoption, surrogacy or whatever. With stepchildren, you chose the partner, which yes does mean the kids are part of that package too but you didn't specifically jump through hoops to get those children and love them before you met them (like my adoptive parents tell me they did me)

The stepchildren issue is irrelevant - rather, why the hell does he think it's OK to read messages on your phone? There is a much bigger issue here, which is about privacy and respect.

I must admit I wondered that about adoptive parents, being as I was an adopted child.

Some people do genuinely love stepchildren as much as their own, maybe in a slightty different way, or the love grows as they get to know each other better, but it's still love and is often very special.

However, op, as you know, your husband was very wrong to read details of your private conversation with friends.

What was his excuse for doing so? The only time we ever hear of either partner doing that is if they suspect infidelity.

Well you are where you are, but if you want to repair things, going in with he is overreacting is not going to get you where you want to be.
Ultimately you are defensive and possibly violated and maybe embarrassed (fill in accordingly)
And he is upset and hurt and it sounds like it's playing into existing insecurities he has.
It is tough and both your feelings are valid.

The whole phone thing is really a triviality in comparison and I would say let him learn his lesson (or otherwise)

So I would start by addressing both of your feelings and validating each other, and then move on to addressing any insecurities you both have.
If you both try to convince yourselves you are right and other is wrong, it won't be good for either of you.

He shouldn't have been snooping.
He doesn't understand stepparenting so needs to wind his neck in.

No it doesn't, it reads like she is trying hard and she's human just like everyone else. Stop villainising her.

He'll never understand it, because he isn't a step parent.

He definitely shouldn't have read the messages and I don't think your feelings are unreasonable, exactly. But you wouldn't have said those words about his children to his face for a reason, so I'm not surprised he's upset, and nor should you be.

I also suspect that the general tone of the group conversation was fairly nasty about stepkids, whether you contributed to the nastier bits or not, and that will have hurt him a lot.

Exactly.

He shouldn’t be reading your messages. You go prying you often see things you rather wouldn’t. I can see why he’s a bit hurt reading it, but nothing you said was that bad. I’m sure you’re not pretending to love them like your own so he can’t be surprised. I’d be setting up a new password and not letting him near my phone. Huge breach of privacy

He shouldn't have been reading your messages. If he doesn't like what he's found, that's what he gets for snooping into a private conversation.

I don't have stepkids but I know I wouldn't love them as I love my bio kids if I did. If DH and I were to divorce and I remarried and he had kids, I'd accept them and do my best for them, but they wouldn't be mine. I don't want more kids. I'd be marrying for the man, and while I'd be a good step-parent as much as I could, they wouldn't be mine.

Nor would I expect another man to love my children the way I do. As long as he was good and fair to them, treated them well and was friendly and generally liked them, I'd be happy. They've got one dad, they wouldn't need another one.

Great if some people can do this. Maybe it's easier if the children are babies and they grow up around the step-parent. I don't know.