To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

But that’s an extremely specific scenario (also not sure I understand why SS coming 3 times post adoption would be such an issue??) - one of my friends has 1 adopted child and 1 birth child and loves both equally

Unless you have gone through the same or know trustworthy people who have said that they bond is just as strong, then how can we tell? I agree that just because my mum says it, I can't extrapolate it to all people. Also the above was standard practice from SS in the 1970s where I live. So i have 1 saying one thing and you have your friend saying the other. We would need a bigger sample side.

So I'm lucky enough to remember the last visit when I was 4... or perhaps I would say I was unlucky enough to remember it. I was in the room, kitchen, with m and SS. I remember that SS just appeared, no prewarning. SS came in, mum offered them a drink, the normal pleasantries etc... they decided to test my hearing, because mum had talked to our GP about it because I was a very quiet kid and she was worried. SS then said that if she didn't get me talking properly then they would take me away to a special school. Quite literally their words. They then walked over to me , where I was playing with duplo (big lego) and told me 'you don't want to have to go away do you? '. I wet myself out of fright and ran out of the room. Mum was told to stay there. It was mum who was concerned with me, went to the GP and ended up with SS being hostile. From my mum she says that the SS had previously acted in the same manner. I asked my mum.about it when I was 12 or 13 because I would have nightmares about it. Nothing like SS were in 2000s, when my kids were born. They were fantastically helpful and would suggest, not tell. Dad complained to SS about how they operated and they denied it, they then added a note to my file saying potential child abuse, so when I had to be hospitalised twice for severe asthma, doctors weren't allowed to release me, without SS interviewing me. What this meant is when I dislocated and hairline fractured my shoulder I didn't tell my parents because they would have taken me to a and e and I was still so scared of being taken from them. That particular SS department in mid 1990s got closed, most people were offered early retirement. Hope this helps explain why at least for me and my family, SS isits weren't great.

Him reading your messages was wildly out of order. There’s no excuse for invading your privacy like that.

I do think that your attitude of resenting cleaning up their mess because they’re not your children is dicky though. You chose to become involved in a situation with children; why should they be held to a higher standard than your own?

OK he wrong to look at your phone but why is he wrong for looking after and defending his children is it because he puts his kids first or fact he has raised concerns before about her attitude towards his kids compared to shared kids is a dad not aloud to defends his kids or raise concerns about someone not treating them right

No doubt because this is a man reading messages you'll get the he has no right to read your messages brigade that also declare that women should always have access to their man's messages!

What you said was really shitty! You've basically told your friend group that you don't like your SC and that it's hard to love them!

Strong disagree, my FIL loves his kids and stepkids the same and you wouldn't know the difference. In fact there's so little difference I asked my partner whether the sister closest in age to him was a half or full sibling and he didn't know.

I agree, we can never tell how someone else feels, and it will depend on so many different circumstances. I just think it’s really problematic and often harmful to start comparing and making generalisations about this type of thing. Every love is different , and love is not an expendable resource . In some families there is no difference in how step, adopted, bio children are loved/ treated, in others there seems to be a big divide. It all depends on the circumstances and the people involved in my view x

Having been the child of two step-father's, I have kind of string opinions about how you feel about them. My first is still alive and wonders why we don't have a better relationship but I remember growing up with the clear favoritism he showed for his bio daughter (like the year she got a leather jacket for Christmas and I got a CD or the year he said "I'd like to buy you a cheap. little Ipod gadget because I overspent in your sister this year"). I guess I was just supposed to be grateful he still hung out with me after the divorce but you dknt know what that does to a kid. I didn't know or care that I was his quote unquote STEP kid. I just knew that I was his kid and that he didn't love me right and I thought it was my fault.

Then my mom married my next stepfather. I was 16 at the time and I learned what a father was. He had five daughters when he married my mother and when he died he had seven. At his funeral his friends came up and told me about how he was always talking about his daughter in DC. He thought I was the most wonderful daughter in the world and he absolutely changed my life because I learned what it was like to have a father.

I'm in my 50s now and have experienced foster parenting and bio-parenting and all I can say is if you can't love your children like they're yours - step or otherwise - for God's sakes fake it as hard as you can - and that means inside your soul as well as outside - because they can tell. It wasn't just the gifts from father number one - those are just tangible examples that I can give you but I always knew. Always! From the time I was old enough to think, I could tell that I was second best and I never ever understood why but I always thought that it was because I was not good enough or because I had failed in some way. Kids don't think about step or not step we just think that were your kids and if you don't love us as much as your bio kids we think it's because we are broken and wrong and you have no idea how much damage that does.

Without diminishing the difficulties you experienced, I just want to say bravo! So many posters are focused on how hard it is for THEM ignoring that they choose to take on a parental role with children who are, by definition, vulnerable. Wishing you all the best.

I agree.

i am a step child, and I honestly believe my (step)dad loves me the same as he loves his biological children. I’d be heartbroken if I accidentally read a message that said that about me.

I know not all relationships are as good as mine is, and I guess deep down your husband he knows that you won’t love them the same as your own children, but seeing it written out in black and white like that so blatantly to your friends must have been brutal.

I am a step mum and my DH is a step dad. We have no children together and we have both found it equally hard being a step parent. Part of it is because our children are still both being parented by another parent when they aren’t with us, so they don’t always share our values and frankly don’t always treat us well (especially when they came back from the other parent).
I always understood why, I never pretended to be a mum to my step son, and I always treated him the same as the others (the rules in the house are very clear) but it was definitely harder with him than my own because I was always sort of on the periphery- despite doing everything for him when he was with us. I know him as well as (and probably now, better than) his mum, and in fairness to her she never said anything about me that wasn’t supportive, but he always held back with me and was often frankly rude to me when his dad wasn’t around.

So yes, I did and do feel differently about him. And it was bloody hard! And if you haven’t step parented, you really don’t know how hard it can be at times- because you know they are all children, you understand their confusion and the challenges, but it doesn’t change your feelings.

I love him, I will (and do) protect him and keep him safe. He has a safe place to come home to, and make sure he has stuff when he needs it (he’s 24). I don’t feel the same about him as my birth children- but they do all annoy me the same amount!

Your DH should understand this. You don’t have to feel the same about them. They have a mum somewhere that they have an ongoing relationship with. They don’t need to have exactly the same relationship with you as they do with her or with him! Whereas your DC do!

Do you say the same thing to adoptive parents? Or to fathers, who did not give birth to their children? Because honestly, that's ridiculous. If you can't love them like your own, then let their parent find someone who will.

I think you are being unreasonable. Those messages read like you dislike the children which must be hurtful to your husband. Yes you’ve looked after them but any person without a heart of stone would physically look after children in their care. The whole point of being a parent, step parent or otherwise, is to love the children. I love my stepson like he is my own and I class myself as having 4 kids and my husband loves my 3 kids. If I found out he didn’t I would be very hurt. Why would you marry and have kids with someone if you aren’t able to love their children? Surely when you met you got to spend time with his kids? That would of been the point to walk away if you realised you were unable to love his children.

I’ve not read the whole thread, but I feel your pain. Being a step parent can be really hard and ultimately most would agree that you don’t love them in the all consuming way you love your own bio children - appreciate this will not be the same for everyone. Your DH needs to understand that you have taken the step parent on role so as to have a relationship with him and he has to take the highs and the lows. Would he willingly step parent someone else’s children? I love my step children and we have a good relationship, but they have their own mother and I would never try to replace her. I have made many sacrifices for them and they have lived with us for periods. Can’t say their mess bothered me any more than my bio childrens’ though! My own step mother definitely favours her own children too (doubt she’d admit it), but we still have a good relationship. It is maybe different for step parents who bring up their step children from a very young age; especially if the bio parent is absent. Ultimately he shouldn’t have read your messages. We all vent from time to time.

You do realise do you that the people in the group are more than likely to repeat what you said and that at some point the children will hear this perhaps from their friends. Some one in the group will tell their husband who will tell yours, so regardless of whether he should have read the messages ultimately he may have been told. Hearing this out of context in a pub from some man who had a few could have been far worse for you than him having read the messages.

Snooping or not that’s a pretty hurtful thing to read. I don’t think it’s that hard to love stepchildren and if the children are young it’s important that you have the ability to. It’s certainly not limited to saints.

If you'd RTFT you would know that her friends all live far apart so that won't happen.