To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

Sorry I did post yesterday but I wanted to try and keep it neutral i.e. not say who I was. But then I ended up wording it badly to start and also not being able to come back to it due to a sicky toddler through the night, my bad! I know how everyone feels about reverses so I though sod it ill just start again with the whole story. Apologies for the confusion.

So no dad can ever truly love a child because they didn't give birth to them?

You told a group of people that it would take a saint to love his kids. Implying that they must be unpleasant if only saints could love them.

I'd be pretty upset if someone made comments like that about my kids in a group chat. That wouldn't have stayed confidential whether he read your messages or not.

His concerns are obviously valid.

Of course you don't love them the same way their mother does. They have a mother!

What about them?

You can love your adopted kids, you can love your step kids.

But very few people who have given birth to and raised a child, tend to say that the love is 100% the same.

I do work with someone who says this, but she adopted at 6 months.

Not sure if that makes a difference.

Reading other's messages is like wearing other's underpants. Gross and no reasonable person should do it. As a step parent, I can understand how you feel but I wouldn't dream of voicing it to others. Because I do care about my partner and my SD and I don't want either of them to be hurt by seeing it or hearing it through the grapevine. These are my private feelings and I do my best for them to not seep into daily life. So yes, I felt uncomfortable reading your messages and I can absolutely see why your partner thought it was hurtful and inappropriate.

Also there are people who love non biological children as their own - adopted or those born via donor eggs etc, "even" step children too in many cases. It's a pretty stupid thing to say to be honest

I don't agree it's a stupid thing to say. I think it's probably the most common stance when it comes to step parenting, not loving them like your own. I never denied some people do, which is why I said I thought those people were saints. Because I can't imagine being able to do so personally.

There was definitely one supposedly from a woman who saw her husband’s friends moaning about stepkids in their WhatsApp chat and was annoyed that her husband didn’t step in to argue with them. Almost identical. 🤔

Anyway. My answer in either case is that a) don’t read your partner’s private messages and b) don’t expect them to love your children like their own, because they are not their own.

He has no right to go reading your messages

😂😂😂I never though I’d read on MN that someone is angry about a partner reading messages.

Sometimes when you snoop, you see things you might not like.

I get why he feels a bit upset, but you are sharing with your friends how you feel about a situation and it’s ok to feel how you do. You haven’t said anything awful about them in reality, but he might be a bit shocked as he maybe naively thought you loved them like your own.

That is not what I said. I said love LIKE YOUR OWN. As in, the same as my own children. Which yes I do think is likely not the norm.

I always belive in honesty between partners on this sort of thing. However there's been many posts about stepdads and his wider family feeling differently about step vs biological, which results in them being called for everything. There was a thread recently were the SIL was insisting that without her first children going, the OP and PIL wouldn't be seeing their biologically related grandchildren and everyone agreed. You can love a child as much as your child, but it's fine if you don't.

I don't think this is a big deal at all- and he's being well OTT -some women will love step children like their own, some will care and look after them but not feel the same as they do about their own kids and some will feel perfectly ok with chat and the odd negative comments whether they are step kids or their own kids-

He is wrong, curiosity killed the cat, you are 100% entitled to your private thoughts and conversations with friends.

I would be upset reading that my partner thought that about my kids. I don't think he is overreacting.

So does he not believe you have a right to privacy? He feels fully justified in reading your conversation? This would be a complete non-issue if he hadn’t taken it upon himself to snoop. You have a right to vent in a safe environment, as seems like it must be impossible to do so with him, given his reaction.

Only because it is done by a male, obviously.

Apparently because it was about his kids it's different.

Flame me now but unlike the rest of the saintly people if my kids names popped up on a phone message I'd be intrigued

it’s human nature to be protective and defensive about your kids

ask him if he loves your mum as much as he loves his own

but I would apologise about the cleaning up comment .it’s not great that you have less tolerance for part of your family because you didn’t give birth to them

tell him not to snoop at your phone or you will put a password on it

I'd be annoyed at the snooping clearly you need Face ID!!

I get why he's peeved he wants you to love his kids as much as he does.but he needs to get that your experience isn't the same as his

I do understand why you'd be intrigued. But I said to him why didn't he just ask me?

Oh I just saw a message from Sarah that said Bill & Ben's name. What was that about?

And I'd have just said oh she's having a tough time with Tom (her teen SS) so was just asking how I get on with the kids.

He didn't have to read through them behind my back.

I can see both sides.

He shouldn’t have read your messages, there’s no excuse for that, but he did and he saw unsavoury things written about his children.

I don’t think you’re wrong for saying you don’t love them like you love your own, but I do see why him seeing you say nothing when your friend referred to his children as if they are “strangers” in YOUR home pissed him off. They’re not strangers, and it’s a family home. Maybe you didn’t feel the need to pull your friend up on her comment, but I can understand why he took your silence as agreement with that statement.

Tough one. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong as such, but I also know I’d be upset if my partner had said the same thing about my children to their friends.

Have you both spoke calmly about it all since he read them?

I don't think yabu because it's how you feel (and in truth I couldn't be a step parent, so the good ones deserve awards tbh), but regardless he shouldn't have gone into your phone. He can sulk all he likes I think a sensible discussion about the realities of step parenting would be worthwhile. The bio-parent in these set ups almost always shield themselves from the realities by sheer dedication to a land of make-believe in which their partner is as dedicated to their kid as they are.

So, is he saying he expects you to love DSC the same as your own DC?

If so he’s crazy.

Hopefully this will all blow over though.