To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

A teenager who thinks a step parent holds the same love for them as their own kids would be pretty stupid and I'd be concerned for their lack of critical thinking.

She hasn't said there's no love. Just that it doesn't compare to her babies. Which it won't.

They have a mum. They're her babies. Not OP.

Hah, no, I was replying to the OP who you had replied to, so it’s messed up the tagging because of the quoting. Thats hurt my head. Sorry!

Thanks for reminding me, I’ve not had a wine since lunch, must get one.

Pahaha! Oh give it a break with the hyperbole.

The only problem is the dishonest husband.

This is all your personal opinion, you have no idea how the teenagers feel. They may actually have love for the step parent (crazy to imagine, I know. It’s much better when everyone hates each other)

Exactly

what if you divorced , how would you expect a man to care and view your children

I would never expect any other adult to feel the same about our dc as dh and I do. It's completely unrealistic.

If you're a parent living with a partner and tell yourself that they feel the same about your dc as you do, or that they feel the same about your dc as they do about their own - well, it might be a comforting thing to tell yourself but it's highly unlikely to be true.

You are never going to win with this stuff. I’m assuming they have their own biological mother? Assuming they have - then you are a care giver, not their mother? Do you administer care to them? You say you do. Then to my mind you are doing a great job. If you are to be their mother then you need to apply for adoption and I’m guessing their actual mother would have an issue with that.

I don't think that any of you should be putting thoughts like that in writing. What if the kids saw it?

Again they can love their step parents.
They can even love them as much or more than their Dad.

But I'd hope they had the sense to understand that their step mum is human with her own relationships and while she mightve done a bang up job being someone in their lives that she doesn't hold the unique love reserved for those who she felt kick her and birthed and raised

Apparently they’d deserve it, would be “twats” and “pretty stupid” according to a couple of riled up posters on this thread

Then they'll know they need to start cleaning their shit and start behaving better.

Stepmums really can't win on here. They must love the children as though they were their own but also butt out and not get involved in decisions about their upbringing because it's not their place.

YANBU OP. He shouldn't have read your messages, and what you said is truthful and not unexpected. He needs to get over himself.

YANBU that he shouldnt have read uour messages, but what you said is awful.

You don't love his kids. That's the top and tail of it.

And? Maybe they don't want her to love them?

I think perhaps the reason he's reacting this way is that he was already feeling you treat them worse than your dc.
I've been in the situation where I had a suspicion about something, but kept telling myself that I was seeing things that weren't there, and of course they didn't feel that way, I was just paranoid etc. When something happened that confirmed that my suspicions weren't just correct but it was worse than I thought, it upset me far more because I'd been telling myself I trusted these people and this couldn't be right.

I think you need to talk and listen to each other. Tell him you feel violated looking at your messages. Yes, tell him that you, along with most other step parents don't feel the same way. I think maybe a small apology and explanation about the messages. But he should also be apologising to you for reading your messages.
And you also need to listen if he feels you treat his children differently. There may be very good reasons, but people are very good at justifying to themselves, and it may be he also has a point there.

I guess some people forget that stepkids are innocent wee souls with watery eyes and quivering lips and must never hear anything negative no matter what they say or do because they come from a BROKEN home.

Op's own DC are innocent too, what a shame thier dad doesn't treat thier mother with respect.

When people say "love them as your own" they often mean cough up your earnings and fund their lifestyle or put yourself last and do the parenting their mum and dad can't be arsed to do

I think your DH is being really unfair here. It’s unforgivable to have snooped on your phone. I think most stepparents feel as you do - fond of our stepkids but also the reality is they aren’t your kids and so their behaviour and presence grates.

Have you had a go at snooping on his phone? Bet there's all sorts

why would she love them?

You absolute genius!

This OP. No notice. Demand to have his phone and complete unfiltered access.

I also don’t think you should have posted feelings (or implied feelings) about your stepchildren to others in a semi public forum when you know you would not have said the same to your partner. I can understand why he is hurt.
but I also think and apologies if this has already been posted that step parenting is incredibly difficult as evidenced by this current thread here. I don’t know how you win www.mumsnet.com/talk/stepparenting/5161105-maybe-its-time-to-separate-after-25-years

You are not obliged to love your step children as your own but adopting a parental role in their lives does require you to fulfil certain obligations and act responsibly towards them. As a teacher, for example, I don't have to love the students but I would shrink instinctively from speaking flippantly about them, in writing, in a group chat. Similarly I wouldn't speak about a partner's children that way and in that forum, because it would be indiscrete, disloyal, and immature. I'd save those remarks for face to face one to one's with a trusted/wise confidant. Part of the problem is also that the group chat has revealed a wider culture within your friend group where this sort of immature and indiscrete talk is fostered and promoted. I would feel sorry for having been seen speaking this way to others about a partner's children

I can see why this stings, but they do say:

Curiosity killed the cat...
Seek and ye shall find...

I'm not arguing with anyone over something they've found on my phone, which no-one has permission to go through at will.

Depends how long you've known them. I'd say I've got to the stage where I love them for themselves now. I don't love them as my own child though they'd be really weirded out by that.