To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

@PointToItOnThePage so it’s stupid for me to say that I agreed with you that you can’t love your step children as your own as you didn’t birth them.

Ok I take back my defence of your position as the fact you think it’s possible means you really don’t like your step kids, your husband is still an arse though.

Put a lock on your phone! Has he read your messages before? That you're aware of anyway.

I'd be extremely upset if I read messages like that about my DS and would be seriously reconsidering my marriage.
I think when you have step children it's better not to write anything about them anywhere or say anything that might be repeated. It feels like a betrayal.
Fine to feel that way but not fine to say it.
He should not have been in your phone though.
Imagine if your step children had been snooping on your phone.

Reconsidering your marriage? Really?

It's not like she said she hates thier guts ffs.

Honestly think this obsession with other people's kids is getting out of hand. Was talking to a friend about it the other day, people trying to parent other peoples kids because they're with their mum/dad. Unless these kids don't have their mum/dad or live full time with the additional person it's hard to feel the same. And generally these kids don't want an extra mum/dad.

My partner has a son from a previous relationship. I'm nice to him, play with him etc but I'm not his mum. I have zero say over him (rightly so). I know my place. He also isn't looking for another mum, he has one. I don't get to make any decisions regarding him etc and I prioritise my own child.

Your partner is unreasonable to think you have to love his kid like your own. As long as you're not nasty and you are welcoming then what more can he ask. It's hard to be a step parent and even more complicated when you're trying to parent a child who ain't yours to be parented and doesn't need an extra parent. That being said if some families are a little blended unit and happy then that's fine too but it doesn't mean it's right for everyone.

Would it "be different"if it was about your joint kids? Or can you express your opinions about the difficulties you might have with them freely? Does he not see that him censuring your communications about relationship with them illustrates your point!

Imagine if your step children had been snooping on your phone.

Would've served them right.

This is far to reasonable for Mumsnet 😊

You have nothing to be sorry for.

Even the most stalwart of parents sound off about their own children when they get stressed, and it's entirely reasonable to talk about the difficulties of children that aren't your own, without being slaughtered for it as is so often the case on Mumsnet. Kids are very rarely little angels, your husband would do well to remember that.

He's overreacting, and please put a PIN or facial recognition on your phone because now he's probably going to be snooping left right and centre. You need to have a conversation with him about that, he was out of order.

Nothing about what you said in the group chat was unfair, you were being honest and talking about things in a space where you thought it was safe to do so. It's not like you were slagging them off. Some folks commenting here need to get over themselves.

I think what you wrote is fair and honest but it's just a difficult situation and it's sad he read it. I love my stepchild dearly, he doesn't grate on me, he's a wonderful person, and I'd do pretty much anything for him, but do I love him as much as my own DS? No. DH has said he loves both the same (his DS and my DS, his SDS) but he's been a dad to mine since he was 7 and I'm not sure it's true. I appreciate the sentiment hugely but think it's better untested.

I think of it this way... if you broke up, he could decide from tomorrow that you never see your SC again. Ever. No discussion, no Court process, nothing. You'd be insane to let yourself feel the same about SC as BC in this case. Because imagine if your partner had the right to remove your children from you with no notice and no hope of ever seeing them again? It would be barbaric.

That's not the same with adoptive children, they are yours.

@Usercyzabc I see people all the time posting all over fb about other peoples kids about how they've had a lovely family day etc and such and such is the best step parent. The best ones are those who don't wish their kids dads a happy Father's Day but write one for their partner who isn't the dad. What are they trying to prove 😂 sorry but it's all for show

Confusing too I imagine, sounds like you are creating a lovely stable environment with good boundaries, and no pressure on SC to view you as a substitute parent.

I can't believe your mostly agreeing to what OP said , what if this was reverse .. your all be saying LTB .. and put your children first ...what you said is really unpleasant and unkind I'd be thinking twice if someone said that about my children .. what if you divorced , how would you expect a man to care and view your children .. he shouldn't have looked , but he has become his children names were on the message

@Usercyzabc did you mean to quote me? I'm confused but then I've had a wine so...

Wow

What a selfish, entitled and frankly horrible remarks.
So step parents can never reach out for support or guidance? Like parents
never moan or struggle? Hope you've never passed a single comment of your saintly spawn.

@Usercyzabc there's lots of complication with partners little boy as his mum isn't easy. Life would be much easier if he was with us full time because then it would be less confusing and I could set my own boundaries but I also don't wish for her not to be around because that's not what's best for him and he does love her.
I'm just someone he sees at his dad's. If he wants to play or cuddle fine. If he doesn't speak much (mums always in his ear) that's fine too. He isn't rude to me and I'm not rude to him. I put no pressure on him and he does what he feels comfortable. That being said he can be difficult and I wouldn't have a moan to my friends, I moan about my own son and nephew... I don't moan because he isn't my son .. Mumsnet is crazy 😂

I think people who have kids and have separated from the other parent have unreasonable expectations of how other people should feel about their kids... I'm sorry but your kid is your world but they won't be everyone else's and that is reality. You could split with your partner tomorrow and have no access to these children

I don't think they're terrible at all OP, just common sense really, although I can see how as a parent he would be a little hurt to read them. In his head he's probably thought of you all as one big family - which of course you are, but that doesn't mean you can magic up feelings that most parents feel only for their own children.

I'd apologise that it hurt him but say you weren't speaking badly about them and it was a private conversation between yourself and your friends where you were trying to show understanding for another's predicament, and it was not meant for others' eyes.

Me too. I think about that every time.

Why wow? They would've disrespected the OPs privacy and read some not bad messages about the mess they leave .

Not wow, what they'd have read would be the least of their worries after I'd be done tearing them a new arsehole for reading an adults messages.

The contents would never have a chance to be discussed because I'd never let the conversation get past their audacity.

All the while proving that they are in fact twats 🤣

Innocent children from a broken home would have read that they weren’t loved by their step parent…you think that’s a deserving punishment for wanting to see why you were being discussed on someone’s phone? This site is nuts.

I'd apologise that it hurt him

Like fuck would I apologise to him after he'd been through my phone. It's perfectly fine to vent about your stepkids just as it is to vent about your own kids. It was a private chat ffs.

The only one who need apologise is the husband.