To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

He purposely opened it and read other people's messages.

Even if he did do that, even if he maliciously and intentionally undertook an outrageous breach of her privacy (which is not what the op said), that would be entirely separate to question of the rights and wrong of what the OP did.

Therapist or group support?? Im sorry what?! 😂

But shouldn’t the original poster have a safe space to rant.

Of course she should. God the number of times I've messaged friends saying words to the effect that I'm done with parenting today, pass me the wine, etc. Christ on really bad days I've even said jokey things like "is it frowned upon to leave your kid in the supermarket and just walk away from them? Asking for a friend" etc. Oh we also rant about our husbands too, the horror! And unsurprisingly we also share all the lovely moments of being a wife and mother too because there are loads of those, and life is about balance and taking the shit times with the good. Good friends are there for both.

But according to some I need to pay a therapist £90 a hour next time I just want to scream "arghhhhh wtf pass me the wine!!" at my friends on a group chat. All for the therapist to likely say "your feelings are totally normal and valid as a parent". My mates can say that for free 😄🤣

If I had stepkids someone asked me 'how is it going,' I wouldn't immediately launch in with 'it's hard, I definitely don't love them like my own.'

It's not so much the sentiment but the fact that you shared it in the group, immediately in response to a general 'how's it going.' Makes it seem like you really don't like them.

Some people shouldn't be step parents if that's the first thing that comes to mind.

The idea that anytime you want to rant about parenting you need a therapist or a support group - I'm sorry but what🤦🏼‍♀️ 🤣🤣

OP is sharing normal and usual thoughts and feelings as a stepparent with her friends on a private group chat. She hasn't posted it on Facebook or published it in the local newspaper 😂

I'd also argue she'd be wasting money and a therapist's time. Her feelings are 100% normal and typical of many stepparents (including myself) as this thread has shown. The fact that stepparenting is a fucking tough gig at times is no revelation and wouldn't be to a therapist either. Just like if I booked a therapist to say "there are times when I find parenting my kids really fucking hard". Yeah, no shit? Who doesn't. Doesn't mean I need therapy. By that assessment half this site need it too as many of them post parenting challenges. This is simply a stepparenting challenge but the same principles apply.

Exactly! 😂 speak to a therapist ? The therapist would be like…. 🥴🥴

Wow that's fiction isn't it.

Her mate didn't ask "how's it going?"

If you bothered to read the OP you'd see the context was thus:

*The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

OP wasn't asked how it was going with her stepkids at all. She was contributing to a conversation about another friend's stepparenting challenges and doing what friends do - offering support and validation on the basis of her own experience.

This

It’s only on MN that step parents or adoptive parents couldn’t possibly love these kids as “their own.” All the SPs I know in real life clearly do.

He was wrong to snoop through your messages though. Although you clearly weren’t going to be honest with him if he’d asked!!

Also the idea of a support group is madness for other reasons, when you consider that a support group for stepparents is likely to consist of, well stepparents, who are experiencing similar challenges and can vent and relate to one another. OP has a ready made support group at her finger tips for free in the form of friends who are also stepparents - so why would she go looking for another one full of strangers 😂

Also, imagine how her husband is likely to feel when she pops off to her weekly "support group" to cope with his kids if this is he reacts to a few honest and totally valid messages on a private group chat. I'm sure he'd be very supportive of OP's attendance at said group....

This site is wild 😂

All the stepparents I know in real life (including me) feel similar to OP. They think the kids are good kids and think a lot of them, but they do not love them as their own. I think that's much more the norm.

This has given me a good giggle this morning 😅 whatever next will be suggested on here? Lord… i think some need to log off and spend a bit of time in reality.

Really? Part of therapy is talking through issues and it sounds like the original poster has the opportunity to speak openly and honestly with her friends which will save her money as let’s be honest the waiting list to access therapy on the NHS is ridiculously long. Whilst for some people the orginal posters views my be unpalatable, unfortunately feelings need to negotiated and explored and this was her safe space to do it and her husband breached her safe space.

Why are we even mentioning therapists and support groups insinuating that the OP has ‘issues’ she needs to talk through? 😂 She was just sharing her perfectly valid thoughts and feelings with a friend who was asking for advice- its called contributing honestly to a conversation.

I'm not sure if you are agreeing or disagreeing with me @emmaloo14

I’m in agreement with you, I feel that the recommendation of a therapist is ridiculous

I can see both sides here. @PointToItOnThePage didn't say anything particularly dreadful in her messages to her friends, but I can see how her husband might still find them hurtful - and they both have valid feelings. I do agree that he should not have read her messages - I think she had a reasonable expectation that they would be private - but now he has read them, they need to deal with the whole thing.

I would say they need to sit down and have a calm, open conversation about it all - the childrens' behaviour, the OP's feelings about that behaviour, how it can be managed going forward, the unacceptability of reading of private messages and both parties' need for safe spaces in which to discuss things, and the feelings of hurt that OP's husband has.

I am not sure that this conversation would be easy - or even possible right now, given the strength of feelings on both sides - I wonder if there is a neutral friend who could act as mediator.

Another possibility would be if both of them wrote down how they are feeling, and why, then they read these in private, and discuss them when they both feel ready.

Because on Mumsnet, if you're a stepmum, you're not allowed to contribute openly and honestly to a PRIVATE conversation with your friends. You must forever hold your peace, put up and shut up, and love the little mites as your own as all times. If you feel yourself slightly deviating from this set of bizarre and wildly unreasonable expectations, you must seek therapy at once.

Meanwhile, in the real world.... 🙄

😂 ive said a bit of everything to my closest friends on a group chat just to get it all out.. i suppose i need therapy 😅

@PearlSeal makes two of us then 🤣

Spot on. I'm adopted from birth and my mum says that there is a difference. (I was adopted at 10 days). I take her word for it. Sounds harsh of her to say, but it was me asking as an adult, and I wanted the truth. She also said that step children have their own mums and own dads. Effectively step parents are nannies or foster parents for the time the step kids are there.

She sounds lovely - what an odd thing to say to your child

How about reading my post? "but it was me asking as an adult, and I wanted the truth". She brought me up to be able to ask her an awkward question and be given the truth. Would you prefer your parents lie to you to 'protect' your feelings? They could have never said I was adopted, but they knew that the truth will always be found out so never hid it from me. For the first 9 months of having me she was warned time and time again that I could be taken away from them so don't get attached. Once everything was legal we still had SS come round 3 more times, checking to make sure that I was safe. She said that definitely impacted it, because her naturally born son had died, that each time she was falling in love with me, the SS words would hit her.

Well that sounds like there was a very specific and understandable context to that conversation.
However, the conclusion that you can never love a child you adopt the same as one you give birth to is absolute bullshit.