To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

People who read other peoples conversations without being a part of that conversation... will read nuances into things that were not there, and will read things that might be upsetting, particularly out of context.

There is a huge difference between:

'I HATE your children, I cannot stand them, they're fucking awful'..

And:

'I don't love them the same as my own'.

One does not equate to the other, but that is what he is doing here.

You need to have a proper conversation, theres a lot going on here.

Toddlers are not comparable to teenagers. Caring for, loving and wanting the best for someone elses teenagers is not the same as loving and caring for your own toddlers, it cannot be, they need very different things and the teenagers already HAVE their own Mother and are presumably not in need of a second one?

Further more the love you have for your own almost certainly 'orrible at times teenager, is based in that love and care you had, and provided when they were tiny toddlers... shared emotions and experiences that the OP did not have with her DSC as she was not there at the time!

Check his archive on whatsapp

YANBU - if you look through someone’s private things (phone, diary, whatever), you should EXPECT to see stuff you won’t like. I would never look through my OH’s phone and if I did, I’d have no right to get pis*sy if I saw something I didn’t like.

If you walked up and overheard a friend slagging you off would you be upset? Or if you saw on his phone a message pop up from his friend saying they didn't understand why he liked you as they couldn't would you be upset?

You slagged off his kids. You didn't have to. You could have kept silent on the subject but you chose to say to others that you couldn't see them as your own.

I would be very hurt. He loves those kids and will always put them above you. You put them lower than unnecessary gossip. Nasty.

You can't understand how much it hurts as it does not directly affect you. If he didn't question it anyone here would call him a bad dad. Anyone saying he is in the wrong is suggesting he should put a partner slagging off his kids above his own kids.

Don't hide behind him checking your phone. He had a reason to, you got called out for your lack of respect for his kids.

The trouble is that the genie is out of the bottle. My cousin felt pretty much the same about her step kids, also teens. Then their mother died suddenly in a car crash. Their dad stepped in to take them on full time but knew his second wife didn't really love his two eldest. The marriage ended shortly after and he got 50/50 care of their two younger children as well. She now wishes she hadn't been so open about how she felt about the step kids. If she'd kept stum, the chances are she'd still be married.

He shouldn’t have had your messages, but never commit to writing something you wouldn’t say to someone’s face.

Would you say this to your stepkids’ faces? No. Irrational thought it might be his first thought is going to be - what if they got wind of this and were hurt.

I am a SM, so all sympathy for the tribe, but don’t do this, there is no need.

Does husband do all of the parenting for his children or does he expect you to @PointToItOnThePage? Does he do 50% of the parenting for your shared children?

You've used the word immature twice as though you're really trying to push it, very passive aggressive. OP and her friends were having an adult conversation about how they feel. Granted, it's not to everyone's taste and not everyone can stomach it however, but it's how they feel. It would be immature to act badly to or around said children, but I can't agree it's immature to feel differently towards children that aren't your own and be annoyed about mess they create (she's probably equally annoyed about her own kids in other ways or about the mess they create)

What a rotten comment for a friend to say about your family 🥲

Doesn't it depend a lot on life stage and family set up.

If you'd been a step parent in their main home since they were one I'd expect you to have stronger feelings than if you met their dad who has them every other weekend when they were 14.

I have a step brother. I like him but I don't love him like my sister. We didn't grow up together, have never lived together. It's never going to be the same as the person I shared a room with til I left home.

Look stop giving the OP grief over not loving her SC like her own;some people just don't,we don't know the ins and outs of the situation.

BRB, just off to delete the numerous messages I have sent to my close friends this week complaining about the DSC

Ask him if he would be happy for you to go through his phone and read all his private conversations with his friends. Would there honestly not be a single thing that you might find upsetting. I bet he wouldn’t be happy with the suggestion, if not, why not.

But why would anyone expect someone else to love their child as much as they do? That's completely unrealistic. Their love for their child existed before the child was even born. You're introduced to them much later in life where they might wish you didn't exist and where his ex might be stirring things up. (Not saying that's what's happened in your situation, but it's quite common.)

Do I have to delete mine?
Or is it OK because I'm their bio mum?
Is it OK for me to complain about them being messy and probably all the things OP has
Said?

I would ask if my DH should divorce me but he told me our 5 year old was being a twat after she was in bed last night.

No one is saying op has to love her SC as if they were her own, but there's a huge difference between that and slating them on a group chat.

A group chat is basically like shouting it in the street

@Secondchoiceornot Where did the OP 'slag off' his kids though?

She said it's harder to tolerate the normal annoying things kids do, and that she doesn't love them the same way she loves her kids.

That is a fuck of a long way from 'slagging them off' in fact it is really not about them at all!

If parents didn't slate their kids Mumsnet wouldn't exist.
Neither would many mother and baby groups

Parents have slated their kids since the dawn of time.

I've seen Gorrilas and Lions sick of their kids bullshit

So why are step parents expected to love and tolerate children not their own yet have to shut up and put up.

Maybe these parents so desperate for love shouldn't ever have partners after they fail theor first relationship and their children's love should be enough for the rest of their lonely lives.

This is so true.
The trouble is, the biological parent just cannot countenance that someone else doesn't have unconditional love for their children.

*Do I have to delete mine?
Or is it OK because I'm their bio mum?
Is it OK for me to complain about them being messy and probably all the things OP has
Said?

I would ask if my DH should divorce me but he told me our 5 year old was being a twat after she was in bed last night.
*
Oh, in that case I'll keep the messages and if DP moans at me I'll say that I'm just treating them like my own given that I would be allowed to moan about my own DC to my friends without some posters acting as if the world is ending.

She doesn't have to put up and shut up. But the tone of her statements about them was scornful and contemptuous.

She didn't say the exact words "I do love them, just not as much as my own"

She said anyone who could love them as much as their own would be "a saint". Really quite strongly scornful choice of word.

Once contempt is present in a relationship, there's no coming back from it generally

I think that it was wrong of him to look at your phone and you are justified about being upset. It was, separately, also wrong of you to talk about your step kids in that manner and he is justified about being upset. I don't think either affects the other, they both need to be approached on their own terms. My personal view is that the tone of the conversation was unpleasant and, while it is entirely valid for you to feel the way you do, there is no reason to talk about it in that fashion. Beyond that, I think a lot depends on your relationship and how good and respectful he is towards you generally, and how well you fulfil your parental responsibilities generally.

And there is nothing wrong with what she said.

She didn't have to sugar coat her feelings or make them more palatable because that's not her audience .

He's violated her. Not the other way around

Guess it's clear to see why the step kids are hard work if he's their role model

Come on now. We gripe about our own kids but no one would say

"Anyone who could love X as much as Y would be a saint".

It's scornful and contemptuous.

I have 3 children.
My cousin has 3 children.
We've known them all since their pregnancy.

Do you think I should love her children as I love my own?