to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

Why couldn’t you go to the shop yourself?

She’s a child and not there to help you with your newborn. Poor girl.

I was exhausted and baby was sleeping

It’s a huge age gap, she’s not the parent, she’s jealous and pissed off. I would include baby fitting as part of her allowance but give her a chance, she’s feeling pushed out. Was the baby planned?

Very difficult time for your teen to adjust to. My mum had a late baby when I was that age and I felt I had lost my mum to the baby who took all the time, energy and attention. I loved my little baby sibling but I needed more attention than I got. I was also used as a nursery nurse a lot. Probably it would be reasonable not to put upon a teen too much as they adjust to things.

How did you cope when she was a newborn?

She's a child, not an extra parent.

Fair enough to ask her to do the chores etc she was usually doing, but anything baby related is on you.

You can expect but that’s it - she should have gone to the shops in an ideal world
she’s in year 10/11? So she’ll have GCSE and mocks
maybe she’s not thrilled about a new baby / disruption to her life?

teens being moody / withering to their parents isn’t unusual

My best friend’s Mum had a baby when we were 14, she was just mortified at the whole prospect. All of us friends were so excited to see the baby but my friend was just mortified that we all knew her parents were having sex, mortified about the massive age gap and she was genuinely shit scared that she would be pushed out now a new, cute baby was on the scene.

Cut her some slack.

It's not her role. YABU

I'm all for teenagers helping and yes it would be nice if she did but this is a huge adjustment for her. She doesnt need to act mature at 14 just because you have had a baby. People worry about toddlers feeling rejected when a new baby comes along but seem to think a 14 year old with all the turmoil that comes with should just magically morph into a helpful co parent overnight.

Are they full siblings or is she struggling with other big changes at home?

My DD was 14 when her half sister was born, they are now 18 and 3 and have a lovely bond. I never ever expected my eldest to help out - when she was willing to it was a huge bonus, but I don't and didn't expect it. I don't think that's fair. She's 14, don't impose adult expectations on her. She's not the child's parent.

If she didn't do those things before I don't think you can magically expect her to start now. Was she an only child by any chance and a bit coddled before the baby arrived? There could be lots of feelings of resentment

Basic manner yes - like asking her to pass you something while your feeding.

I would have left dd with the baby and nipped to the shops.

Yes was planned.

She's in year 9 FFS.

I send my 12 year old to the supermarket all the time and i don't have a new born.

As the 14 year old who was around when my mom had another baby you do get pushed out and it is shit.

However as a 14 year old, they should be mucking in generally

You wanted to have another baby - I don't suppose she was consulted - so I'm afraid OP you need to suck it up. If you had no 14-year-old DD you'd have to do this stuff anyway, but YABU to expect her to pick up all the slack around the house. She's 14, her job right now is going to school, doing her homework and picking up after herself. She is a child too and she deserves to continue her childhood, whether or not her DM (parents?) have decided to have another child.

She's only 14. I think you're expecting too much. Did she want another sibling? Also - it's your baby, not hers. Sounds like she may be resenting the new baby a bit if she sees it as leading to extra chores for her - can you give her some 1-1 time to ease this?

I think you are being alittle unreasonable, you have had a baby not your 14 year old. You should be looking to your husband for extra support not your 14 year old. Any help she gives you should be a bonus, not an expectation.

She should love and respect you to want to help out regardless of who the df is!! I had a dc when my dd's were 8 and 9.. They learned how to make me a cuppa - their idea - to help me when I was sat bf their ds.. No half sibling crap in our house...

Laughing at the "she's a child" post. She's also a sulky teen who should get her head out her arse and help her mum. You know like we all probably did.
At 12 I was doing the family washing sometimes because my mum worked full time and had a health condition that meant she had to stay in bed all weekend occasionally. Did I begrudge helping? no because we are all part of the same family and love each other.

Yes it's a few chores to help me out that's all, I'm not expecting her to help "raise" the baby

I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

Well you are the gown up who decided to have this baby. Why don't you grow up? Have you even considered your 14 year oldest feelings?

You can't see why she might be embarrassed given the big age gap and the notion that everyone knows her parents(?) still procreate?

Going to the shop for something non baby related, maybe but not expecting her to fetch and carry if you're occupied with the baby .

You chose to have a baby and she may not be too happy about it.
She shouldn't be rude but I think you are expecting too much from a teenager who is dealing with a big adjustment.
Where is her/babys Dad in all this?