to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

My SD has had a bank card since aged 11, it just doesn't do contactless.

I think there are two separate issues. At 14, your daughter should be more than capable of nipping to the shops and should be helping out in the home, not because you've had a baby but because it's part of growing up and contributing to the home that they live in. But it's something that you should have addressed before now. However, she didn't choose to have a baby sibling and is not responsible for making your choice easier.

How did they learn to cook for themselves?

By helping out when someone else was cooking.

I meant that they didn't have regular allotted chores to but were expected to help out when asked.

She should be doing some chores as standard at her age but I wouldn’t be expecting her to pick up the slack generally. It’s a huge age gap, if this is her only sibling I’d imagine she’ll be finding it difficult to adjust.

Yes but she chose to have a baby and all the responsibilities that come with it - having to do things when you are sleep deprived, like going to the shops. All mums to babies (without a teenage daughter) have to do a lot of things every day when we are sleep deprived……. because we made the choice to have a baby.

The teenage daughter did not make a choice to have a baby sibling and should not be expected to take on her mother’s responsibilities.

The Mum can’t say that she can’t be arsed to go to the shops because she’s too sleep deprived from having a baby that she chose to have. Then be mad at her daughter for not be arsed to go to the shops, because if a baby that she did not choose to bring into the world.

The newborn issue should be separate. I have a 13 year old and if I'm busy I'll send him to the shops and at most he might grumble but he wouldn't get away with not doing something I asked him to do and he knows it.

@the3e7s I think people need to cut you a bit of slack! You’re shattered and hormonal, and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable due to being in the thick of postpartum!

I was in the same boat as you a year ago. DD was 14, her baby sister was born and she was useless 🤣 Didn’t help at all, wasn’t particularly interested, was playing up, awful attitude etc… It broke my heart because I assumed she’d want to be more involved.

Time has passed now and she loves her baby sister but doesn’t find her interesting yet. We also have a 5 year old son and my teenager ADORES him and they are so close, but this only happened once he was more fun, once he was around age 3

I don’t expect anything from my daughter, but I do hope in time to come that she may want to lend a hand at times. I’m hoping I can pay her to babysit in a few years!

I do carve out time for just teen DD and I. Not that she seems to particularly want it, but I do ensure it happens at least once a month. I tell her consistently how proud I am of her and how much I love her, because I do worry she feels a tad pushed out.

My mum’s best friend in the world is her big sis who is 14 year’s older than her. The age gap does close.

It will get better, hang on in there!

If you read the OPs updates: there are two other siblings, boys, aged 6 and 9. The daughter was not an only child when this new baby was born.

It’s not her job

she’s a literal child with a brain still developing so telling her to grow up isn’t going to help

it’s really hard being a teenage girl her emotions are probably all over the place anyway, throw in GCSE’s and a new baby sibling? I’d be fuming too

why can’t you go to the shop?

She has 2 other you get siblings. Not as though she's been an only child for 14 years

I don’t get all this talk of the teen being fuming that there’s a new sibling?!

She can fume all she likes. She’ll have to get on with it.

I will caveat it by saying that OP should try and ensure some quality time with her teen, and make certain that she still feels loved and valued.

The histrionics on here. No wonder our young people are suffering with anxiety and resilience.
You wouldn't have survived with my Glaswegian mother If you were told to go to the bloody shop, you went. As it should be.

Has her childhood been dominated by having to help you with her siblings all the time because your "stressed" husband is no use, by any chance?

As a kid who was treated like a co-parent through most of my childhood, it absolutely sucked. Huge contribution to my being childless now.

She might well need to be doing more independent things at her age, but for her own development, not because you need a mother's helper.

So? A lot of mothers work full time.

Oh just read your last update. Think you handled it well 👍🏻

I have a dc the same age as your dd who does indeed like to go to the shop and who does chores (not well, but what is life without hope?)
I was another who was nervous- as I was about public transport, asking for anything in a shop etc etc.
No idea why, but what did help was going with a younger sibling who wasn’t nervous at all! I still had to do the stuff as I was the oldest but it was loads better having back up. If your 2nd child is still too young, maybe she and a friend could practise together, or similar.

That's terrible, she has shared with you an anxiety to use them, so teaching her or showing her it's nothing to be anxious about is a normal response as a mother/parent, but you feel helping her get over her anxieties, is treating her as a 5 year old.

I was 13 when my mother had another baby when she was 40 - unplanned. It affected my teenage years as I ended up as a resentful unpaid babysitter. It also made us poor, what with the added expense of a new baby after a long gap and the fact my mother had to give up her part time job. Did you not think of the impact your decision to have another child might have on your daughter? Some teenagers would love another sibling, unfortunately I wasn't one of them.