to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

She doesn't know how to buy things at the shop herself?

Have you not been teaching her how to be independent?

But now you've had a baby you suddenly expected her to know how to do things?

How much has her life changed as a result of her sibling? My child is only 11 and I'd frankly be annoyed if he wouldn't help out a bit if I needed, like nipping to get milk at the corner shop. However this would/should be reciprocated. For example if he needs help with homework or wants to tell/ask me something, I would make every effort to do it for him when HE wanted. How often is "mum I don't get this homework" or "mum, can you help me find X" reciprocated with "when baby has been changed" or "when I have finished this job"? Expect your daughter to make you wait in the same way.

You had a baby she didn't your the mum she's not.
My mum put so much responsibility on my eldest sister she grew up not wanting kids.
People shouldn't have kids if they are expecting their older ones to do more donky work.
Or even chip in with a new baby.
Sorry op baby is not her responsibility.

She’s 14. Your newborn, your choice to have him/her, your responsibility. End of.

You’ve completely uprooted her life and are expecting her to be happy and helpful about it?

I don't expect her to "pickup" all the slack. Just the odd helping hand, I.e. do dishes or help with dinner

Wtaf why would she ask permission? No wonder young people have no resilience. This thread is bonkers.

Assuming she was already (surely) helping with some chores then no, not unreasonable.

Even my 6 year old was able to fetch me a nappy or get me a glass of water if I was breastfeeding. Everyone in the household should be able to help and support each other where possible.

I was ready to say YABU from the title of the thread but from what you've actually put I think yanbu. It is ridiculous that at 14 she calls breastfeeding disgusting and it is ridiculous that she can't go to the local shop to get items for the household at her age.
These things aren't really 'helping with the newborn' which obviously she shouldn't be expected to do as it's her sibling not her child. But they are basic decency.
I have a baby abd a 9 yo son and he will happily fetch me things if I'm breastfeeding. He's not old enough to go to the shop by himself yet but he absolutely would do that. He's always had household chores to do as do all my children. If you live in a house you contribute in some way to the running of the house. Basic respect.
I don't expect my kids to look after their baby sibling but I do expect them to help in general if they are around abd able to. And I wouldn't tolerate being told breastfeeding was disgusting at all.

Exactly this. Good grief op, why should she help out with your child? She’s 14, and probably has a lot going on without having to deal with her mum having another child - she’s feeling pushed out, jealous and upset.

Surely she did things around the house before the baby came along? I was always running to the shop for my mum when I was that age. It was no big deal.

However, if she has been a princess up until now and had everything done for her then she's probably a bit put out.

You should be encouraging her to take steps towards independence for her own sake and benefit, not just because you've chosen to have a baby. You could have gone yourself.

But You only think that now, because it benefits you and helps looking after your baby.

If that was something you wanted her to be able to do, you would have been working on it before, if she struggles.

You put the baby in the pram and walk to the shop or get it delivered.
You don't ask your eldest child to start doing thing they haven't been expected to do before the baby arrived

I'm not saying it's the thing to aim for but it's completely normal in London anyway for kids to be on the tube alone from the start of secondary school. My friends and I would go out to the shops, cinema, supermarket etc from about 12.
So it's not unreasonable to expect a 14yr old to go to the supermarket at all unless you've never introduced the idea to her, then it's on you.
My 9 yr old can go into a shop and buy something.
I'm confused by this idea that teenagers shouldn't have to help at home where they can and where it doesn't interfere overly with their lives.
I also can't quite believe that some think it's fine for her to voice disgust at breastfeeding. That's very rude and for me it would be unacceptable from anyone, let alone my daughter.

I agree with this.
My kids help around the house and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to nip to the shops to pick k something up.

I'd ignore the comments about breast feeding. She is obviously uncomfortable about it.

No one is saying she needs to raise the baby but surely as a family everyone should muck in and help if they can?

I think you should change the title of the thread because people are voting YABU due to that. When you actually describe how your 14yo acts I think a lot more people would vote yanbu based on that.

Dad works full time

She's 14 she can helps round the house. Of course I'm not expecting that she does everything and overworked etc but can you please fetch that or go pick something from a nearby supermarket is now too much for a 14 year old?

My youngest sister was born when I was about the same age as your daughter. It took me a long time to warm up to her. I had guessed my Mum was pregnant long before I was told but didn't feel like I could confide in anyone about it, it was embarrassing at school to tell people as my parents had clearly not planned to have another baby and lots of comments were made.

The arrival of the new baby meant nobody had any time for me and I had to give up dance classes as nobody could give me a lift anymore. I absolutely felt pushed out and like an inconvenience. My mother has since apologised that my needs got overlooked and I did grow to love my sister but it was a really rough adjustment.

@JustFrustrated I agree, asking a 14 year old to go to the supermarket is not a big ask baby or no baby!

She has never had to do any chores ever, now baby is here I expect a little contribution in terms of chores. Really too much ask?

How old are your other kids?

My assumption would be that’s she’s not happy you’ve had a baby and probably not happy that she’s now part of a blended family (assuming you are in a relationship with a man that’s not her father).

I disagree with the majority of posters - no child should be telling a woman that feeding her infant is disgusting. It's completely unacceptable to be making misogynistic comments like that.

Oh god I was horrible at 14. When asked to help with housework, I couldn't see why I should bother. As far as I was concerned, it wasn't my job. I'd imagine she feels the same way about baby care. She'll be fine by the time she's 32 but at this age you probably can't expect her to suddenly grow up just because you could do with having a helpful adult around 😁