to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

This is the root of your problem, she should have had chores in primary school

I think the issue with the shopping may be what you are asking her to buy. If it's baby milk and stuff she may well think that the shop staff will assume the baby needing the milk is hers and be judgemental. Also at 14 she is old enough to realise that she is old enough to be pregnant herself so the idea of her parents having sex and deciding to have another child is just too much to think about. I know the OP has clarified that there are two other siblings but my guess is that there is a bit of an age gap between child 3 and this new baby. Cut the girl some slack, she had no say in your decision to have another child so should not be expected to WANT to help.

No full subling not half sibling. Same dad.

It's not her baby and she obiv wonders why she should have her life disrupted when you and her father chose to have another child.

She is also of an age that she doesn't want to see your breasts on display.

I agree with all of this. If you thought that you were going to struggle with a baby in terms of help because of DP’s working situation then why have another?

Does she usually go to the shop for things or would this have been the first time?

And actually yes.
Why would you have a child if the existing child was against it.

@kitsuneghost

i am responding to your post, specifically the bit where you say:

“Did you even ask her before getting pregnant.”

so what should Op have done if she had asked her daughter about having another baby and daughter had said no?

Face it. To a 14 yo it's disgusting to think that her parents are having sex at all but then to have a baby and breastfeed is just the final straw.

And she's no longer your one and only darling. That's got to hurt too.

I'm not saying she is right but I quite get that she might find this a massive yuck in so many ways. Hopefully she'll get over herself and start to act like a human rather than a stroppy git.

It’s a bit late to start with the chores, for her and her brothers.
I agree children should do chores around the house, but not because there is a newborn, but because that is what a family does.

Better late than never. If you are going to introduce chores, get DH on board, then both of you present it to the 3 DC at a family dinner or meeting. Your DD and her brothers should all get age appropriate chores to help around the house. List yours and DH’s chores too so they can see family is everyone chipping in.

I think some of the responses you are getting is because you seem to be falling into the trap of “eldest daughter” needs to pick up the slack of “woman work” around the house because you can’t do it all with 4 DC.

Would you have expected the same from a teenage son?

@kitsuneghost

because it’s not all about them and what they want?

This is your problem, OP. You should have been instilling her with the expectation that she takes responsibility for some house chores LONG before this. You’ve not done your part as a parent there to expect that she suddenly finds incentive to help out now. She likely feels resentful; I imagine having a newborn around as a teen is hell on earth.

Bit late now but really she should have had chores before baby my 9 yo has chores to do.
She's a teenager going through a big adjustment at home add in school and social pressures so no she shouldn't be expected to grow up overnight to make your life easier. You chose to have a baby not her

Wow to some of these replies. My mum had my youngest sister when I was 15 (today is her birthday in fact) and it was expected that I help out. In fact that summer my job for the summer was to do stuff around the house so that mum could rest and I got a bit extra pocket money for it. My younger sisters were also expected to help and we all had our various jobs to do. Dad sat us down and told us that we had to help out a bit more than usual. We went to the shops. Vacuumed. Cleaned the bathroom. Did dishes. Did the ironing. Etc etc.

i suppose the difference was that we all had jobs to do around the house anyway even before mum got pregnant. My dad would have gone mad if we hadn’t helped.

But that was 45 years ago!

Why has she not been raised to perform day to day tasks like cooking etc. to prepare for adulthood?
Yes, it's too much to ask to suddenly want her to do things she's never been asked to do before just because there's now 4 kids in the house.
She should be capable of doing all chores that an adult does. Time for her to be shown.

I agree….the DC should all have had chores from primary age.

So hard to predict which threads are going to see the OP being piled on! On another day people would be saying the opposite.

Two things can be true. Yes, it’s an adjustment for her. But she’s a rude, selfish brat. It is entirely reasonable to expect her to fetch something, or pop to the shop 5 mins away.

So are the two brothers expected to help as well, in an age appropriate way? I had a couple of friends in situation similar to yours. Because they were the oldest child their parents assumed they would help when new baby came. It did not end well in either case. One left home at 17 and the other got pregnant at 18 and her parents were absolutely horrified.

Very unpopular opinion, no doubt, but I think they there should be more expectations, not fewer, placed on teenagers with regard to helping out/contributing to family life etc. It really doesn’t prepare them for the world outside, if they grow up in a bubble where there are no demands made on them to play an active part in the day to day tasks which have to be carried out by us all. Children need to be loved and protected, but they also need to experience some of the realities of life, within the hopefully secure environment of their families, so they can become confident and independent adults, able to deal with the wider world.

Yes
Its a major change shes had no choice over and now it means she is expected to help out more as well.
Asking a 14 year old to help out occasionally is fine but on the back of you having another baby I can see why she wouldn't be happy.
You should have been encouraging her to be more helpful as part of preparing her for adult life as well as being a useful team member of your family for some time now rather that because of a new baby that she's probably not too pleased about in any case.

It feels like you expect more from her than your partner?

From her point of view, she's never had to DO anything before. Suddenly there's a new baby and she HAS to go shopping, do stuff she's never done and which might be outside her (rather overprotected) comfort zone. In her eyes, it's the baby's fault. If s/he hadn't been born, nobody would be asking her to do things.

If you don't want her to hold this over the baby forever, then maybe apologise to her, explain that YOU should have prepared her better, and then start teaching your daughter (and her two younger brothers) how to function in society. Forget the baby, that's your problem, but you really should have got your kids over any fears of things like shopping or being alone long before the baby arrived.

Does she have any SEN? Because being over 14 and afraid to go to the supermarket or be left alone is pretty extreme.

It’s not that it’s too much to ask, it’s that you’re approaching it all wrong. You’ve had a baby, things have changed, she’s worried that now she’ll get no attention etc, and you’ve piled on top of that expectations which weren’t there before!

Exactly this.