to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

I think expecting her to pop to the shops or pass you things are fine. She should be doing those regardless of the baby,

Did you ask her for help before the baby was born? If not, that's on you, and as far as she's concerned new sibling has arrived and she's been relegated to dogsbody.

Your friend was a weirdo. Of course parents have sex. My mate also had a kid sister around age 15 and it was a well received baby.

At 14, I think she's being a bit too childish tbh

WTF have I just read? You HAVE to be kidding. There's no reason on earth why your 14 year old should be helping with your new baby. What a ludicrous thing to say! You wanted this baby. YOU look after it. Good grief! 😆

She is a teenager FGS, let her be one, and stop expecting her to be an unpaid childminder, cleaner, and housekeeper!

YABVU @the3e7s

@the3e7s the problem is she will see it as her being forgotten about and pushed aside because of new baby.

You need to get 1 on 1 time with her, and make sure she knows you still love her just as much

She's not. She has 2 younger brothers.

So I've been on your side but his I do think is unreasonable. You should have been bringing her up to help you!
If you start now of course you'll get pushback and she'll resent the impact of the baby.

This.

She has never had to do any chores ever, now baby is here I expect a little contribution in terms of chores.

Why not? Can't you see that suddenly expecting this when you've had years to prepare her is the issue?

So she has never gone to a shop by herself and won’t stay at home by herself?
That seems very unusual for an almost 15 year old.

Thank you

This. You chose to have another baby, she didn't. Your baby, your responsibility.

And no, it's not "helping out with the household".

She's 14! Let her have a normal teenhood. She can make her bed etc and not cause you more work but there is zero need for a teen to help to look after a sibling.

And while you say it's a few chores to help you, when will that change to wanting her to change the baby's nappy etc. Or babysitting while you get a haircut. I bet it happens. It's not fair.

And?

Why couldn’t he pick up whatever you needed? Make dinner, wash up?

plenty of single parents work full time as well. He can manage it in a 2 parent household.

You are asking her to do additional things because you had a baby. Wether it would also be helpful for her, isn’t relevant.

If you thought those things were important, you would have been doing them with her and getting her to do them herself before you had a baby. Now, you think it’s important because it suits you.

Sorry, but you are mightily pathetic asking your neighbour to go to the supermarket for you. Either pop the baby in a sling/pram or you could’ve waited for your husband to return from work.

Op you do realise this is Mumsnet don't you ?

Of course she shouldn't be expected to do ANYTHING - EVER !! At least until she has left home (voluntarily aged 30+)

As for expecting her to pop down the shops for you while baby was asleep on you ?? What .. the hell ! You'll be asking her to climb up the chimney next !!

@kitsuneghost

so what if she’d asked her daughter and her daughter has said ‘no, I don’t want you to have a baby’. What’s OP supposed to do then?! Just be like ‘oh ok, I won’t then’ ?!

I guess that's where you were wrong, my 10 year old has been doing chores for a few years so I guess going from no chores at all for 14 years is something she's not used to.

The issue is it is now tied to the baby not something that's always been expected or used to. In that regard you are BU.

My daughter was a similar age when my son was born. She hated it, me, the baby. It didn't help he was extremely difficult and didn't sleep and that went on for 2.5 years. I never asked her for anything. It wasn't her job and I could see she was struggling. She wouldn't push the pram or walk too near when we were out in case somebody thought she was his. It was a difficult time.

Now he's 13 and she's an adult and they have a wonderful close relationship. She was extremely supportive when he was diagnosed with autism. It got better slowly from when he could walk and talk and interact with her. However, I never put any pressure on her at all. I get it's annoying but lower your expectations and make sure you make time for her.

So you’ve created this issue then

she thinks chores are now on the menu because you are busy with the baby and is pissed off with that, not something you do as a member of the household

you can’t raise entitled kids and then get your nose out of joint when they don’t act nicely

There’s a huge age gap. Sibling relationships can be very important and if all goes well, their relationship will outlast your lifetime. Your 14 year old will have increasing independence and if you want her to support your younger child for the rest of their lifetime it might be a good idea to give her space now.

You don't ask permission but you should consider if it's a good thing to add a fourth(?) child and you shouldn't expect the older ones to help you. Your choice, your work.

I bet you aren't asking the younger boys to help either.

Nothing to do with resilience and everything to do with a CF parent.

OP - I get you 😂

I think where your problem comes in is your DD thinks she has to pitch in because of baby, whereas in an ideal world she already would have been used to chores and having to help out. Now for her it's like on top of all these life changes, suddenly she has to help too! I get why she'd react, especially if she wasn't happy about baby before.

Maybe sit with her and your DH, carve time out to have a conversation about household changes and the fact she'll have X, Y, Z predictable responsibility. As PP have said increase allowance/freedom alongside this so it doesn't feel completely one sided. Good luck!

I bet the husband isn’t doing much either!

No she wasn't an only child 2 more siblings. Oh I can't leave baby with her, she won't even stay home alone herself even for 5 minutes.

And she's never done any chores ever.

It sounds as if she's been allowed to grow up a bit helpless and spoiled so little wonder at 14, she's not morphing into mummy's little helper upon the arrival of a new addition.

I think you're being a bit unrealistic in your expectations of your daughter given what you've described. If she was a girl who regularly helped with chores, was fine going to the shops and staying by herself, then yes, I'd say YANBU.

But I think in this scenario, a touch of realism is called for.

Not the point.
The point is you don't take a task on and expect others with no decision in the matter to contribute.