to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

At this juncture, yes.
You've allowed her to get away with no chores for this long, why would she suddenly want to start doing them now because she's been presented with a new member of the family.
Sadly,nyou have madexa rod for your own back with this child.

Wow. Never seen that at all with not one single counter. How do they manage selling lottery tickets and cigarettes?

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks

*lololulu
My 12 and 14 year olds do nothing around the house. Not a thing.

Is this a complaint or a boast?*

Neither just a fact

She has never had to do any chores ever, now baby is here I expect a little contribution in terms of chores. Really too much ask?

Yes. Because this is nothing about teaching her to be independent it's about you needing help and convenience for you.

You've assumed that growing up and becoming independent will happen naturally. It doesn't. Those life skills have to be taught.

You haven't taught them and now just expect her to have them.

An example. When I left home at 18, I couldn't cook. Not a thing. Because my mum had always framed me learning to cook as, "One day you'll be married and expected to cook dinner for your husband's boss and his wife so you need to learn."

It hadn't occurred to me I'd need to cook for myself because I was a child and because nothing I was expected to do was presented as being for my own benefit, it was always for the benefit of some hypothetical future man I couldn't even envisage. And I had no intention of being some man's domestic servant. So I didn't learn until I was an adult.

In her eyes, she is not being taught how to be an independent adult. There is no sense of a benefit to herself or in learning to do things for herself because she is only being asked to do these things because you don't want to.

It's your husbands job to get you milk/bread daily.

Hire a mother's help/nanny if you need more help.

What do you think single mums of 4 young dc do??

it should be bog standard to send a 12yo up to the local shops for milk and bread, if it’s walking distance. I certainly was, my nieces and nephews are and I will be with my kids! Imagine criticising a mum for expecting such a minor task of her teenage child. Yes there may be emotions to manage, you don’t need to have another baby for your 14yo to have emotions that need managing though, and neither the emotions nor the baby is a reason to keep not expecting basic tasks of a 14yo.

She said she just does not like doing things alone as it just makes her anxious and she doesn't know why.

It's probably because these skills need to be scaffolded and learnt in stages to build confidence.

I can also understand her fears about it escalating tbh.

Re supermarkets. When my children were young, they would accompany me shopping so they saw the process (I'm sure yours have done the.same). But that is not enough to learn.

We progressed to going in a couple of times where I'd stand at the till with her and talked her through what she needed to do (either manned or self service) just buying a couple of things that she (not me) needed/wanted.

Then I'd stand back and let her do it herself and just offer reassurance or answer questions she had.

Then I'd stay in the car whilst she went in on her own but I was always outside.

Then she walked down on her own.

Life skills need to he taught and scaffolded to increase independence and confidence in doing them.

If she had reached 18 or 20 without ever having been taught, she would be older and possibly feel more confident anyway. Her thought processes would he different but, at 14, she is just a child and needs to be taught.

Oh yes and before progressing to big, loud, busy supermarkets, these skills need to be learnt and practised in smaller local shops where she might be the only customer.

Implementing a punishment is just what’s needed. 🙄

I agree. But most people would have taken their child to the local small shop and let them pay for their sweets etc when they were smaller to learn.

There's a big difference between teaching a small child to do things and then expecting them to be able to do small tasks independently at 12 and never having taught them and just expecting them to know at 14.

The OP's daughter clearly has no confidence in her abilities to do these things because she's never been taught.

Some people are more confident than others and some people learn things more quickly and easily than others. Maybe the OP's daughter just needs to be taught rather than expected to already know.

She’s not 4, biscuits sweets and chocolates aren’t treats for a teenager! I’m very confused by your comments. You don’t seem to understand her needs or stage whatsoever.

I’m finding this whole learn to go to the shops thing a bit OTT.

We’ve never had a “ practice” or a dry run: ours just one day wanted to buy something with their birthday money so did it. And they are much younger.

I expect it has more to do with DD objecting to being recast as errand runner because of the new baby/annoying product of parental sex. Which, given hormones and other teenagery foibles, isn’t that surprising.

I had a late baby with similar age gap to my next oldest child. It's not so much whether you're expecting DD to help with the baby (I appreciate you're not) but the sense DD may have that she no longer has as much of your attention. Once when my youngest was very small and I was on my knees with Covid, I asked older DD to get me a glass of water (I honestly couldn't get up I was so weak). She said "get it yourself".

She's 20 now and couldn't be more helpful, often minds her sister for an hour or so if I need to go out. But the first couple of years were more of a difficult transition for her than I'd expected.

Take the baby in the pram and go to the shop. It's unfair to expect your 14 year old to run around after you. Doing a few household chores is ok but it's not her job to help you because you chose to have another baby. Your expectations of your child are unfair and unrealistic

You chose to have the baby 🤷‍♀️ What if your DD wasn’t there? No sympathy.

Ok so a bit of mixed messages here.
Ftr it sounds like she’s a really good sweet girl that needs help with her anxiety and pushing her boundaries, and maybe being taught some things. She doesn’t sound like a bad kid at all! Lots of reminders of love and how proud you are will do her good. She definitely needs to learn that not everything needs to be perfect and it’s okay to make mistakes, just like all adults do.
rest up op, you’ll need it!

She probably resents the baby (and you) for giving her jobs to do. Does she get pocket money for her jobs?

My kids never did chores as such.

Although they were expected to clear up after themselves, put dirty clothes in the wash box, change the bed, look after their rooms.

Sounds as if Op's daughter pretty much does this.

Hopefully when she gradually starts doing stuff outside the house by herself it will help her confidence.

Does she ever go to friend's houses by herself?

How did they learn to cook for themselves?

It seems like potentially too much space is being given to how she feels, versus not enough. There comes a point where anxiety or not, a 14 year old contributes to the home putting their own feelings aside.

The level of help expected here is very minimal.

Nothing victorian about raising self sufficient respectful children.

Teens in general aren't as capable as previous generations stations. Part Covid, part mollycoddling.

You Havnt let her be independent whether due to covid or just because ...

Most 14yr should be able to go to the shops and buy a load of bread /milk

And stay home alone for a few hours

As the eldest sue prob Feels overwhelmed to do anything babywise and nor should she have to change nappies or give a bottle - unless she wants to

But she should be helping around the house. Unpacking dishwasher - putting clothes in wash - cooking simple meal for you/herself, going to shops to buy some basics

How will she learn these so important skills if you don't show her

Which still requires conversation and actually listening to the kid.

I wish parenting really was as easy as occasionally going to the shop and doing a few light chores! If that counts as being a "third parent" sign me up! I thought it was just "normal and expected behaviour for any child living in a family home."