to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

I completely agree but not all of a sudden because of a new baby

You are probably right. I should have taught her to be more independent by now.

I think OP is getting a hard time 😬. Of course a 14 year old can do chores, the problem here is that OP didn’t get her doing chores before the baby turned up? So now Dd thinks she’s got to do more because of the baby? Of course a 14 year old can pop to the shop…put a load of washing on…load a dishwasher, but she should have been doing this before a new baby was in the scene. She now sees it as “you have to do more now because there’s a new baby”?

You are being so unbelievably unreasonable here. I hope it's just the exhaustion.

You chose to have this baby.
Maybe she is saying the things she does because she is at a very hormonal, vulnerable and emotional age and her whole life has been turned upside down with a new sibling she is adjusting to.

Just saw that there's 2 brothers as well. Well if you had the first 3 in quick succession she never would have noticed really. And even if they were space out nicely there's a big difference between having a new sibling when you're 10 and when you're a stroppy teen.

But the OP has let her not help with chores for almost 15 years. Parents need to teach children responsibility and resilience. Expecting a 14 year old to become a different person overnight, just because you've had another baby, is a bit daft.

Firstly, she's being a teenager. We ask my son to take the dog on the field which is literally next to our house and he acts as though we've asked him to conduct the clean up operation in a war zone.

Any chores that would have been required to have been done with a new baby or not then yes, I agree, she should be doing anyway. Washing up, putting her clothes in the wash etc - get her doing.

Anything that's because of the new baby has nothing to do with her and she shouldn't be expected to help out there. Yes, she could have gone to the shop for you but on the other hand, you could have also gone yourself. Your tiredness due to baby isn't her problem.

Yeah you are.
She's 14. She's a child. Probably feels insecure and worried she's 2nd best to the baby.
It's not her job to help you.
And there's Deliveroo for groceries

Agreed. Some of the other replies to this thread are bizarre. I don't think the OP is asking for that much.

Anything she ever asks of me of course I do/provide for her no questions asked weather it's homework, needing new trainers,or money to go places with her friends e.t.c.

The comments on here are silly. It's not at all unreasonable for a 14 yo to do a few chores around the house. It's absolutely unacceptable for her to make such rude comments about you breastfeeding and I would not tolerate that in my house.

'Donkey wotk'

give over, she's being asked to nip to the shop for a few bits, not the monthly shop (which by the way I was going at 15)

and pass her Mum something, not sorting clean the house.

@the3e7s I knew you'd get all the 'not her baby' 'you chose to have a baby, not her' bollocks

you're not asking her to go down a mine!! Yes, I would expect her to do as asked. But given what you've said about her, is there any chance she actually needs some therapy to cope with her inability to do anything independently.

plus yeah, she needs 1;1 time with you & reassurance she's your special big girl, not being usurped by this new, demanding imposter!

It's hard when you're knackered & feel they could bloody well help, but they are still kids.

typical though, I went on & on & on st my parents to have a baby when I was her age & if they had, they wouldn't have got a look in. My dad a vasectomy instead! ( I think my nagging was a constant reminder that they did not want another baby!!)

I don’t think people always realise how a new baby can impact teenagers. When I was your daughter’s age, my mum started having babies with her new husband and my place in the home changed overnight. Honestly, the only way my mum ‘parented’ me from that point onwards was to let me know when I’d done something wrong - all of her energy for nurturing or being patient went to the babies and I was treated as an adult - a useless adult - from the day they were born.

I know that your daughter must seem so mature compared to your baby but she needs you. In fact, a bit of babying is probably exactly what your teen needs as well - which sounds exhausting for you but that’s the situation you have now 🤷🏼‍♀️

When you have a minute with a clear head, try to think about where you would ideally want your relationship with your daughter to be in 5 years time. When she’s 19 and your baby is at school, where do you want your relationship with your oldest to be? Let that inform how you do things.

I left at 18 and my mum barely noticed.

So you spoiled her and now shes acting spoilt?

Your poor daughter. You have a new kid and all of a sudden she isn't allowed to be a child anymore. You had the baby, you look after it. She's not there to be your support system.

So are all her siblings very young? Maybe she isn’t happy there’s been a quick succession of babies, each one impacting her.

Now her mother is so exhausted she can’t go to the shop after having another and putting chores on her that she wasn’t expected to do before.

You teach teenagers to do chores and things for independent for them. You don’t do it only when it suits you and drop them in the deep end.

If you have never expected any of your to help in the house prior to deciding to have a new baby, you cannot expect any of them to suddenly become adept at them just because you’ve had said baby and want to take it easy.

You haven’t built these expectations into their lives as part of growing up, that’s a you problem, not your teenager’s problem.

YABU she should have been doing chores a long time ago. Now you are expecting her to do things you haven't prepared her to do because you have a new baby not because you think she should be helping around the house or she already would have been. You're expecting your child to pick up the slack for you when you've never asked her to take responsibility for anything, no wonder she's refusing. She's going to resent you and the baby.

I mean that’s the role of a parent. To provide where they can and support the children they have.

This is your problem. You wouldn’t be unreasonable to expect a 14 year old to help round the house or nip to the shops. You should have been building her up to doing this for years. Suddenly expecting her to do it because of the arrival of a newborn when she’s had her life thrown slightly upside down was always going to be problematic.

Teenage brains are remarkably similar to toddler brains in terms of development. If this is the first sibling what have you done to make her feel not pushed out? A

My then 11 year old son helped out when his little sister was born, he already had a little brother so I don't know if he was just "used to it" but he went to the pharmacy and bought "embarrassing" items like breast pads and maternity pads with no trouble, and indeed was hugely congratulated on it by the people who work there so he loved feeling like a hero!

Neither of my sons are embarrassed by me breastfeeding their sister, and she is nearly 2 and still feeds as they did. We live in Catalunya and schools are very very big in gender equality and a young lad being embarrassed by "women's things" would actually make him considered an immature loser by most other lads his age (now almost 14), and refusing to go to the supermarket to help your mum who has just had a new baby would also be considered "an L".

I disagree with the general feeling here, it's not like she's asking the 14 year old to change nappies and do night feeds, she's been asked to run to the supermarket FGS. Perfectly reasonable.

Exactly this. The only thing op should have done was make sure the lazy madam was already doing jobs but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
There's so many threads about lazy kids and everybody frothing because apparently their 10 year olds make tea twice a week why is this teen different? We all have to realise at some point we're not the centre of the universe.
Sorry should have quoted @maudelovesharold .

No, of course in themselves those are not onerous chores. But timing them to start with the new baby's arrival - and not preparing her to do any of this stuff on her own over the last couple of years - is a terrible idea. She will connect the extra work with the baby and resent both her sibling and you at a time when she is already having to adjust to a big change.

Cut her some slack and start teaching her how to be more independent in a way that's not connected to the baby e.g. if you have some time together when baby is napping.

She might be feeling a bit jel. Have you other kids, or just the two?

I had a newborn when my eldest was 14 but there were 3 others between the eldest two so she was probably used to new babies arriving!

She was super helpful. And very willing; she was delighted to have a sister after 3 brothers i think and she could look after her sister just as well as i could (apart from the breast feeding!)

She's in her 30s now and still very fond of her little sister (not so little now!)

I don't think YABU because families should be working together to get chores done, and kids do need to take more responsibility as they get older. That is part of growing up.

If she doesn't want to be around the baby just now, she certainly could be helping with some shopping, cooking etc.

Do try to get baby into a good routine - i know all this baby led is the thing just now - but you must still find time for your older DD that's one to one with you. And that's easier if you put baby somewhere else to nap, and get a bedtime routine going in the early months.

Our teens need us more than our babies in many respects so don't treat DD1 as an adult now. She absolutely isn't. She needs your time too.

But - she should chip in and help you out, for sure!

Only read the first page where OP was getting a bashing.

YANBU - a 14 year old should be expected to help out in challenging family situations. I'm sure you help her out a lot.