to expect my dd 14 to act a little more mature and help out with newborn

[the3e7s]

Just had a baby and of course really stressful husband has gone back to work and could use a bit more of a hand just with little things. Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting my dd to ever miss out on seeing her friends to help me or anything like that I just would like a bit more of a "mature attitude" and willingness to offer a hand with a few things if she's home. I do think she needs to grow up a little for example I needed something from the shop the other day but had to embarrassingly ask neighbour to get it as dd didn't want to go to supermarket on her own and she just constantly comments things like "that's disgusting" and walks the long way round the sofa to avoid coming close to me if I ask her to fetch me something and she comes in the room and I'm breastfeeding. I feel like having a right go at her and telling her to "grow up you are nearly 15 for gods sake"

She should not be expected to do more chores because you have had a baby. If they were pre existing chores/expectations then yes, but she should not be expected to suddenly do more.

You chose to have a child. Not her.

She is still a kid.

She has ZERO responsibility towards her younger siblings.

It's awful that you're relying on her for anything more than she WANTS to do and if that's nothing then at 14 that's understandable.

Leave her alone. She's already dealing with the attention being directed at the baby.

Exactly this. Especially if she's been an only child for 14 years.

You have chosen to reproduce again at a time she would rather have you around to do fun mother-daughter stuff, help her with her GCSE options, take her out at weekends, not spend it sat at home exhausted, pushing a pram, changing nappies and breastfeeding. What’s the betting any summer holiday plans have been grossly limited by you being heavily pregnant too. Did you even consider her in this plan? No wonder she is pissed off.

OP, I disagree with all the above posters completely. Yes it's an adjustment but she needs to pull her socks up and pitch in. Nobody is entitled to be sibling free and she needs to grow up, adjust and yes help a little more. Even 5 year old s8blings help in small ways.
You're not expecting anything unreasonable. We need to expect far more resilience and sense of responsibility from our teens.

She's just started year 10, which yes the supermarket is a 5 minute walk and I think she does need to start taking some steps to go out of her comfort zone and learn how to buy something from a supermarket by yourself.

She should be doing her bit to help around the house anyway at 14. But as PPs have said, it must be a huge adjustment for her. She probably feels like not only is she being pushed out/replaced by a new baby but she is no longer being treated like your child. She probably needs extra care and a good chat with her mum, even though you'll have zero energy for that right now! Make sure she knows she's still your 'baby' too and she might be more willing to get involved?

She’s a teenager with all the hormone-induced angst that that brings. She’s probably feeling a bit jealous and vulnerable and you’re not helping her. Give her time and consideration and I’m sure she’ll up her game.

I actually do think it's fair to expect her to help by going to the shop or whatever.
I'm sure you help her with things all the time. I'd have little patience with a teenager embarrassed at the idea her parents have procreated again. But then I don't have a teenager myself so perhaps I'll adjust my thinking when I do.
But I expect my primary aged kids to help out and do what they can to make our household run as smoothly as possible.

This.
Do not 'have a massive go at her', you should be spending time with her one to one and talking to her about any worries she has, and reassuring her.

Also wondering if this is a half sibling and the 14 year old is also dealing with a stepdad in the house and generally feeling pushed out in favour of the shiny new family.

No. Children are not there to do the donkey work because you chose to have another baby. Did you even ask her before getting pregnant.

They are full siblings. Nothing else going on at home.

I think you need to give her a lot of time to adjust. Presumably you managed without a 14 year old helping you last time you had a baby so you shouldn't be leaning on her to help this time, she may well choose to in her own time but I can imagine she has very mixed feelings about your decision to have another child. I know my mum chose to go to boarding school after her mum had a baby when she was 14.

Was she doing stuff like going to the shops for you before you had the baby? If not yabu not expect her to have had a personality transplant and start being helpful. You should have enforced some chores regardless of whether or not you were having a baby.

Also my god I was out clubbing when I was 14 and going places independently for a while before that. She can surely manage the supermarket!

You asked the neighbour to go to the shop because you were tired? Were you that desperate it could wait for your dp to bring it home after work?

it would be nice if she wanted to be involved more. But she doesn’t.

She didn’t plan and have a baby, but the baby has caused disruption to her life (which it has if her mum is too exhausted to even go to the shop which must be close by if you wanted her to go) and she isn’t interested.

what would you do if she wasn’t there?

I think you've shot yourself in the foot with the title. Mumsnet thinks we should all be completely self sufficient woth our kids and never ask for any help. You'd get more sympathy if you'd asked if she should help with chores.

Yes she should by the way as she is 14!

She's just started year 10, which yes the supermarket is a 5 minute walk and I think she does need to start taking some steps to go out of her comfort zone and learn how to buy something from a supermarket by yourself.

Did you start that process with her before the baby arrived?

Otherwise instead of "this is a natural thing for a child of your age to be doing as you grow more independent" it's likely coming across as "now I have a baby you need to do this stuff for me".

You chose to have a baby. She did not.

She is not there to be your skivvy, do your chores or 'help you out.'

You are a grown woman. Parent both your children and stop trying to use your daughter to jobs you could do. And tbh, no woman wants to watch another woman breastfeed - let alone their own mother when they're 14 years old

I have a similar age gap of 15 year between 1 and 2 and 17 years between 1 and 3.

I completely understand that you are exhausted, but it’s also a huge change for her too.

What I found worked to help rebuild the bond between me and eldest was to get my partner to have the baby each time and spend some time chatting to her about what was happening and how she was feeling about it all. It also really mattered how I asked her to do things to help me out.

Asking her to ‘ do this because I’m exhausted’ generally didn’t go down well. Asking if she could help and then we could do something or she could get herself a small treat generally went down better as she felt more included.

Good luck as a 14 year old isn’t easy … and neither is the newborn but in very very different ways and shifting mindset between them is difficult !

No she wasn't an only child 2 more siblings. Oh I can't leave baby with her, she won't even stay home alone herself even for 5 minutes.

I think (controversial!) that asking her to pop to the supermarket is perfectly fine, she’s not being asked to look after the baby-hopefully as that isn’t her job, but being responsible for running to the shops or washing/cleaning, totally normal requests, imo.

That’s surely not most children’s experience

Going to the shop every now and then, and not calling a natural bodily function disgusting sounds like a fair expectation to me.

But give her time, it's a lot to adjust to.