To still be pissed off

[Topshrunk]

So partner and I have decided to split (on my terms) as his life didn’t seem to change when we had our children now 4 and 7. He doesn’t help with anything and is out most nights of the week on nights out/hobbies. After numerous attempts to try and make it work I now have nothing left to give. We have agreed for him to stay here until he finds somewhere but this is how this week went:

Monday- hobby until late
Tuesday - stayed in
Wednesday - out until late at pub
Thursday - went for food and pub until late
Friday - went to a club and got in at 5am
Yesterday - went out day drinking and I told him not to bother coming back so he didnt.

Is he processing the split? Have you discussed custody arrangements?

Yes he may be processing the split but he still has 2 children.

So he's done nothing with or for his children?

Nothing towards his home?

No washing or cleaning up after himself?

Good luck!

He booked a week off work last week but did the bare minimum. He woke up 5 minutes before school to take them and he picked them up and now assumes he is dad of the year. He did none of the before or after bits.

I just assumed he had gone to bed most nights but I woke up at 2am for a drink and he wasn’t there. Was out with friends.

Ok so when's your turn to just go out on the lash??

What a loser. You're best off without him

So basically he's no better than before but feels he's free to go on the pull. Are you cooking and washing for him? Does he sleep in another room?
I think if he has to stay there I'd be saying I'm out tomorrow from am to at least 8pm you need to do everything for kids just like you will once it's your day and you move out.

You need to split up “time on duty” between the two of you as though you had already split into different homes. That doesn’t mean the other person can’t see your children or that they have no authority in the other person’s time, but just govern’s who is the default parent with a duty to be there and do the work of childcare.

I have been cooking/washing etc still, I wouldn’t mind if he loaded the dishwasher or something before he left or cleaned up a bit.

You need to get him to move out asap. Now you're split up and he doesn't need to stay on your good side, his selfish behaviour isn't going to improve and you'll resent him even more. This isn't healthy for you or the kids. Send him packing to his parents, then can start having the kids and you can benefit from the split. You're not benefitting from this situation whatsoever

He stayed on a mates sofa last night and rang at lunchtime today saying he had nowhere to go, he did last night though when it was convenient. He can’t move into parents as they moved abroad and doesn’t really have any other family.

This - he’s entitled to take time off work, but he doesn’t get time off being a dad.

As he had a week off work, surely this was the point you told him you were going away for a spa break so would be back in 48 hours?

Next time he has a day off work, just go out and let him deal with the kids.

I booked to go to lunch with a friend today and he knew that, he didn’t turn up so had to drop them at my parents.

His excuse was I told him to go and not come back 🙄

Just give him a leaving date (3-6 weeks?) - don't leave it as some ethereal 'when you find somewhere else'.

He's already stepped into his new life of freedom (sounds like he was most of the way there anyway).

Seperate washing baskets and food cupboards. You aren't his mum so stop looking after him

Since finding out my mum has the kids he has gone out again!?!

It looks like he's showing you how helpful he will be once he's moved out.

How long till he leaves?

He is trying to get a mortgage, could be months 😭😭

From this point forward arrange your life around him not being in it and don't do anything for him, such as cooking or laundry.

You are done, so make sure he knows.

The only issue is whether you can afford your home on your own.

Yes. We had a trial split a few months ago where we told the kids he was looking after somebody’s house for a while’s I managed ok.

He can move in with a mate to save up. Whatever. It's not your problem.

Fine, then crack on! 👍

You can live in the same house separately. You need his cupboard and your cupboards. You also need to have your own cutlery and cooking implements, plus cleaning supplies.

Do not cook for him or clean or do his washing. If you have room designated personal areas are useful.

I expect he'll then start helping out with the kids.