To still be pissed off

[Topshrunk]

So partner and I have decided to split (on my terms) as his life didn’t seem to change when we had our children now 4 and 7. He doesn’t help with anything and is out most nights of the week on nights out/hobbies. After numerous attempts to try and make it work I now have nothing left to give. We have agreed for him to stay here until he finds somewhere but this is how this week went:

Monday- hobby until late
Tuesday - stayed in
Wednesday - out until late at pub
Thursday - went for food and pub until late
Friday - went to a club and got in at 5am
Yesterday - went out day drinking and I told him not to bother coming back so he didnt.

I'm not surprised you're still pissed off. However it sounds like he is behaving the same way that's the reason you split, except worse because now he has no reason to try.

I mean, he should have a reason because he has kids, but clearly this reason isn't, and wasn't enough because if it was you wouldn't be asking him to leave/ separate.

I think probably having him living with you is hurting more because now he seems to be behaving like the single person you have told him he now is, but under your roof. If he wasn't living there you wouldn't be seeing this.

I don't think you're wrong to be pissed off, but I think you're perhaps a little naive to expect any different.

You need to call your fil and tell him how his son has been treating you all and that he can no longer stay. If you control the narrative and not the woe is me tale his son will spin you will have better relationship and no issue with you staying without your husband

She already is. But at least the lazy twat will be gone.

I’d take a guess that he doesn’t like his life or his life choices and is trying to escape. He misses his freedom and independence and youth. Don’t we all. His dream has come true for him, as you’ve left him to it. Sad for you and your skid lids though.

So that just makes everything ok? Sometimes wish I wish I didn’t have any responsibilities

I didn’t say that and I certainly didn’t mean it either (that it’s ok). But unfortunately he’s running away and burying his head and pretending that he hasn’t made these choices. You can’t make him see this and face up, only he can come to this realisation. Life- real life- is a stark reality to admit. It’s a rubbish situation for you to deal with his immaturity or disappointment with life. My mum told me (about life) to lower my expectations, which is a miserable bit of advice to dish out to your offspring isn’t it!

Can you ask your FIL to sell you the property without him being included?

You can have some security for your children, his grandchildren.

The landlord is your almost-ex-partner's dad?!
well, that's a bit of a drip-feed...

If his parents live abroad, who is looking after their property in the UK? Do they have a lettings agent involved? Or was this something their precious son was meant to be doing? Do you actually have a proper tenancy agreement? Is there any chance they'd kick you out to enable their son to live in the house? (which is really easy for them to do, legally)

Have you considered looking for a new place to rent?
This might be quicker than waiting for him to magic up a mortgage.

Personally I think you need to be honest with his parents - that you're trying to put their grandchildren first, and prioritise their needs - that you'd originally said he could stay because you thought this would be best for the kids - however it's become obvious that he isn't stepping up to be a decent parent, and it would be better for them if he stayed somewhere else...

I don’t think they would kick their GC out?, who would do that?

The people who have raised a man who’s completely uninterested in his own kids? Who are themselves completely disconnected from their GK?

I would also go in first, explain to them what your ex is doing and the impact that’s having on the kids. It’s the only hope I would say.

Is this how you met your ex? Or did you have the house before and met him organically?

If that happens I will just go to parents, he was brought up by his gran so they didn’t actually bring him up.

Every time I speak to him he genuinely believes what he is doing is ok I just find it bizarre.

Been in this exact position. We lived in the same house for 6 months until I had a nervous breakdown over his disrespectful behaviour and the constant unease. He moved out and we sold the house. 5 years on and I’m now in a happy and healthy relationship and he’s still on his own after numerous disastrous “relationships”
These men never change.
He needs to move out asap as I can assure you it’s not good for your mental health at all

I am 34, we have been together since we were 18, our relationship was great pre kids we had the best life ever, I prefer my life now though as I was ready to have children when I did. He obviously didn’t

I should have left ages ago, I am in no rush for a new relationship but what if I am too old when I am?

Good riddance, what a loser

I’m furious with myself that I chose the wrong father for my kids. I always thought I made a good decision as we were together a good 12 years before I even considered it, that’s when it all went down hill

34 isn't old. I didn't meet my dp and have my first baby until I was 34 and my second at 37

This was the last message he sent to me.

Not the case. I'm tired of trying to argue and prove my point over it. You dont see what I see and vice versa it's not fixable and theres too much hatred there from you so just leave the digs out now please

My mental health hasn’t been great over the years either. I’m ok now but I did have periods where I would worry about irrational things.

Giant clue right there that he's already an absent father ... and he's been living there!

To a certain extent he is right. You need to stop arguing with him. You aren't going to get what you want, which is for him to say sorry, change and be an all together great bloke again. That ship has sailed.

Rather than uproot your kids he SHOULD be the one to leave but he isn't going to quickly or willingly and the place belongs to his dad. You need to find a place and move out. Fresh start!

My dad is nearly 70 and has recently started seeing a lady who is 84, don't worry about being too old for a relationship!

That is so lovely

Is there any stigma attached with being a single mum? I’m worried about what people will think and that I failed. I always thought I would have the perfect family and I am grieving that not him.