To still be pissed off

[Topshrunk]

So partner and I have decided to split (on my terms) as his life didn’t seem to change when we had our children now 4 and 7. He doesn’t help with anything and is out most nights of the week on nights out/hobbies. After numerous attempts to try and make it work I now have nothing left to give. We have agreed for him to stay here until he finds somewhere but this is how this week went:

Monday- hobby until late
Tuesday - stayed in
Wednesday - out until late at pub
Thursday - went for food and pub until late
Friday - went to a club and got in at 5am
Yesterday - went out day drinking and I told him not to bother coming back so he didnt.

Everything in this house is mine, where will I store it? I don’t know what the best thing to do is? I want him gone I really do.

Plus if I go to parents then what? Rent somewhere else? He should be the one to go.

Put your foot down

I would just tell him to leave. The house is rented in your name. If he has nowhere to go then that is not your problem. He will have to get a house share. Sounds like he lives like a student anyway.

So what happens if the kids get sick or wake up screaming after 9 is that nothing to do with him at least 50%

If the rental is in your name and he’s not named on the tenancy you can probably just throw him out. As PP said, put his stuff into bin bags and leave them outside. Take his keys off him or ask the landlord to change the locks. Maybe ask a friend to come over and be there when he gets home to support you. If one of your friends has a tall and stocky husband who can be there too, all the better.

You’re not married and it’s in your name, just give him a deadline (few weeks max) and stick to it. In the meantime stop doing his washing, cooking, etc

Can you afford the rent on your own? If so - just get him out

Him continuing to be a selfish arsehole is a blessing in disguise. Imagine if he wasted another 4 months behaving right and you fell in love with him again then goes back to being an arse you have to go through all the emotional turmoil again!!

im going to assume he pays half the rent, I don’t know which day it is due but he will of paid up until the due date so say 15th is rent day, he moves out then no later. Don’t let him use you anymore

onwards and upwards, much love xx

The next thing is he’ll be saying he has to “take” the kids at hours as he has nowhere and he’ll expect to hang out there on your sofa eating your food on “his” days. Don’t let that happen.

Tell him he has a week and then you are changing the locks (and speak to the landlord as well as it is just you in the tenancy)

it is over he is not your responsibility anymore if it is your stuff and you can afford it just tell him to go

do not leave your house he has to go. He is a grown man he can work it out

With absolute respect you are being a total doormat. Give him a week to find somewhere, tell him he needs to agree a schedule so his kids know when they're seeing him, for the love of god stop mothering him and kick him the fuck out. Honestly he's walking all over you, you need to get angry and stand up for yourself woman, come on!! 👏🏻👏🏻

Apparently not!

OK time to set some ground rules. I lived with my ex for about a year before we finally managed separate housing. It was hellish but things that worked

• split the days almost as if you've properly split ie you take Sat and he takes Sunday and mid week you agree who does school runs
• be absent when it's not your time - this is critical. Go and see a friend, cinema whatever. But do not be there let him sort out dinner or homework or whatever it is. If necessary just hide in your room. Do not get involved or interfere
• accept his parenting is not your parenting. So if the kids wear yesterday's school uniform or have chippy tea twice in a row. You have to let it go and pretend you don't care
• agree ground rules on who does what cleaning wise either you do bathroom and he does kitchen or alternate days or whatever. Then do not clean or tidy when it's not your days

It's horrible but you have to stop caring which is the hardest part

What a waste of space. Good on you OP. You'll only have two kids to look after now, instead of three.

im not convinced I do care, I am gutted that I couldn’t make it work for the kids. I am gutted he couldn’t change but that’s it, the thought of being intimate with him makes me feel sick. What am I clinging onto exactly because I really don’t want him here!

I think I just don’t want to upset the kids.

Yeah I hear you and then when you see him being a shit parent it just makes it worse.
You have to step away though from his parenting. Force him to engage and leave the house and leave it to him. He hopefully will step up. If he doesn't then at least you can then push for fuller custody when the time comes

He has gone to stay in a hotel

I need some stability for the kids, living like this is not good for me. I don’t need to feel
sorry for him it’s his own fault.

I would contact the landlord or letting agent, explain that you have split up, and ask if you can change the locks (or tell them you are and make sure they get the keys they need). Then tell him his stuff will be on the lawn on [DAY] and he needs to have found somewhere to stay by then. His housing is not your problem.

good luck!

Just kick the loser out already. He sounds pathetic.

You'll know you don't care anymore when you become indifferent to him.

When he doesn't make you angry/sad/upset - because you just don't care - that's when you're truly moving on

Am I the only one who doesn't understand what the OP is asking if she is being unreasonable about? It seems that lots of people have jumped in giving advice about all sorts of things, but she hasn't actually asked a question, so how come 92% have said she's not being unreasonable???

She's asking if she is unreasonable to be still pissed off..

Point scoring..im all for in this circumstance...but yes the point scoring will enable OP some independence and autonomy.. something she seems to not have atm. Going out and enjoying things she wants to do , alone, is only good. Then she can sort of what to do with this relationship when she feels emotionally stronger. But yes..point scoring was good for me initially, like a FU...it helped me get out of a relationship that i was swamped in ...he was also a selfish DH