To still be pissed off

[Topshrunk]

So partner and I have decided to split (on my terms) as his life didn’t seem to change when we had our children now 4 and 7. He doesn’t help with anything and is out most nights of the week on nights out/hobbies. After numerous attempts to try and make it work I now have nothing left to give. We have agreed for him to stay here until he finds somewhere but this is how this week went:

Monday- hobby until late
Tuesday - stayed in
Wednesday - out until late at pub
Thursday - went for food and pub until late
Friday - went to a club and got in at 5am
Yesterday - went out day drinking and I told him not to bother coming back so he didnt.

Why was he so good before kids I don’t understand? He left me when our DD was a few weeks old and told me he didn’t love her for whatever reason, it took him so long to adapt.

Because you've dared to leave. My ex h is treating me awfully but he'd deny it. It is 100% his fault I've divorced him and he never thought I'd leave. I hate him so much and then some more for being such a shit dad since we split. It's shocked me so much but looking back, I question everything and he was nowhere near as good or decent as I thought he was.

was he a good dad before the split?

I genuinely thought this man was decent. We have been together since we were 18. The issues started when we had kids.

It must’ve been me.

I thought he was in the beginning but looking back he never seemed to love them like I did. Implied I loved them too much. Would never put them first like I did. I'd give them food off my plate if I had something left and they didn't. He wouldn't. Since we split he's focussed on himself and not spoken to them for 13 months about what has happened. Then lied.

IT WAS NOT YOU.

My ex let me think I was the odd one, I was weird. Actually he was inadequate.

Absolute waste man. Sperm donor at best. Make sure you get full custody, the house and as much money out of him as possible.
If having two kids wont make him mature nothing will. Still going out clubbing? How cringe! What the hell else had he been doing? Find a grown up next time - you'll love it x

The man you separate from is the true man. The mask comes off. Also a man's brain is nowhere near developed at 18 so the person you have now isn't really the guy you first met. He's matured into a selfish, egotistical twat that cannot cope with the responsibility a family brings. Focus on yourself and stop trying to figure out the mind of a manchild. Keep your energy for your actual child. Keep going and shift your focus inward, he's a knob.

It really wasn't. It's him being a deadbeat dad. It happens far too often so don't blame yourself! Plus he's trying to shift the blame. Just say 'you keep telling yourself that' every time he tries the guilt trip.

How can somebody change so much when you have kids?

Because they are too immature, selfish, inadequate to allow a tiny baby, toddler, child, to come before them. My ex stopped paying for the kids mobiles as said he didn't see why they should have more than him. Embarrassing as a person never mind as a father.

Could you have a family summit involving you, him, your Mum/parents to discuss the way forward? (You say he has no family around.) He is behaving selfishly and irresponsibly at the moment. Having him
in the family home, sleeping on the sofa or whatever he’s doing, and all the tension will be impacting your children already.

He needs to either move out immediately into a rental studio flat or a mate’s spare room while he sorts a mortgage OR there needs to be a frank and firm discussion about how chores and responsibilities will be split in the interim, if he’s staying in the family home.

As others have said, it sounds more like you gave him an ultimatum in the hope he would change his ways, but that has backfired. It does sound like you would be better off without him, as his children are definitely not his priority.

He has got himself a house share x

He didn't change. The world changed around him and he didn't keep up. Why? Because it would have meant growing the fuck up and taking responsibility.

PS It wasn't you. His inadequacies as a husband and father are all on him.

You're split up now, so it's no business of yours how he spends his time.

You need to be sure that you give him a clear timeframe on moving out, and to sort out the finances and paperwork.

Obviously he's going to have to stay in if he has the kids for overnights in the future. Do you want him to have custody overnight in the future?

Your OP reads as though you expected him to change his behaviour in response to you calling quits, and I'm sorry you were disappointed.