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AIBU?

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Original poster

To still be pissed off

191 replies

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 15:42

So partner and I have decided to split (on my terms) as his life didn’t seem to change when we had our children now 4 and 7. He doesn’t help with anything and is out most nights of the week on nights out/hobbies. After numerous attempts to try and make it work I now have nothing left to give. We have agreed for him to stay here until he finds somewhere but this is how this week went:

Monday- hobby until late
Tuesday - stayed in
Wednesday - out until late at pub
Thursday - went for food and pub until late
Friday - went to a club and got in at 5am
Yesterday - went out day drinking and I told him not to bother coming back so he didnt.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 08/09/2024 16:08

And don't be outwardly pissed off. Inwardly you might be seething, but it's much better if he can't see you are bothered.

Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:09

Createausername1970 · 08/09/2024 16:08

And don't be outwardly pissed off. Inwardly you might be seething, but it's much better if he can't see you are bothered.

on what planet is this ok though?

OP posts:
GoldenLegend · 08/09/2024 16:11

He can find himself an Air B&B for a couple of weeks.

YellowphantGrey · 08/09/2024 16:12

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:00

He is trying to get a mortgage, could be months 😭😭

Are you renting or buying at the moment?

Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:13

He says he doesn’t see the problem as he doesn’t have any responsibility past 9pm

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 08/09/2024 16:20

He needs to start being solely responsible for the children every other weekend at least, otherwise he's in for a big shock when you are properly divorced.

bringincrazyback · 08/09/2024 16:23

I'm a big fan of people in relationships/marriages still being able to do their own thing sometimes, but it only works if it's a fair trade-off of time/parenting/domestic labour that gives the mum 'time off' too, and this hardly ever seems to be the case, it always seems to be the woman stuck doing everything. 😬YANBU to be pissed off at all, OP.

I disagree with the pp who said don't let him see you're bothered, though. I think he needs to get the message loud and clear that he's been behaving unacceptably.

HousesChoices · 08/09/2024 16:24

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:13

He says he doesn’t see the problem as he doesn’t have any responsibility past 9pm

I could be wrong but I get the feeling you don't really want to split up, but you hoped he'd feel so bad at the idea of separation that he would make an effort and change his ways.

As you've seen, he won't.

There's no point being angry. He sees being a parent as your job, not his.

He needs to move out ASAP. Do you want 50/50 custody?

Have a think about how you want things to be.

And DEFINITELY don't do anything for him while he's there. Nothing.

ZenNudist · 08/09/2024 16:25

Just kick him out. If he stays it's on the condition that he is equally responsible for child and domestic duties. You are making it too easy for him. He's got even less responsibility than before. Time for some consequences for HIM.

Original poster
Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:25

HousesChoices · 08/09/2024 16:24

I could be wrong but I get the feeling you don't really want to split up, but you hoped he'd feel so bad at the idea of separation that he would make an effort and change his ways.

As you've seen, he won't.

There's no point being angry. He sees being a parent as your job, not his.

He needs to move out ASAP. Do you want 50/50 custody?

Have a think about how you want things to be.

And DEFINITELY don't do anything for him while he's there. Nothing.

Show quote history

Obviously I am a bit annoyed he didn’t miraculously change and want this to work but I don’t want it to really.

OP posts:
Ifyounevergiveup · 08/09/2024 16:27

Seems to me the issue is coming from you, isn’t it? You’ve told him you’re done but you're not following through. Start doing so but don’t be surprised if he holds on like a limpet; you should have changed the locks before having the conversation. Doing anything for him at all will simply encourage him to believe that this new normal is tolerable. Yabu if you thought this would play out any differently. From his perspective he’s doing exactly what you have told him to. Getting on with his new life on his own terms. Did you think that ending it would change him? It’s enabled him!

Cherrysoup · 08/09/2024 16:28

Do you rent or own? I’d be giving notice if renting so you can get out asap.

BeeDavis · 08/09/2024 16:29

The guy sounds like an utter loser 🙈 can’t believe you stayed with him for this long!

Createausername1970 · 08/09/2024 16:29

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:09

on what planet is this ok though?

Show quote history

Because some people get a kick out of making other people suffer.

If you act like he no longer exists in your life and you just aren't bothered by anything he does any more, he is inconsequential to you, that is one less opportunity for him to power play.

BiscuitlyBoyle · 08/09/2024 16:30

He’s trying to get a mortgage? He’s just playing for time there. He can piss off to a short term rental in the meanwhile.

The problem is though that once he’s gone you will be responsible for the children 100% of the time.

HateMyNewJobSoMuch · 08/09/2024 16:31

Sounds like he has never grown up. I’m amazed you’ve lasted this long. Kick him to the curb and get clear court ordered contact in place for the children.

I think being forced to actually parent his children on his own will be a massive wake up call. Twat.

Haggia · 08/09/2024 16:32

What’s the situation re your home? Is it a joint mortgage, joint tenancy etc? Because if so, you’re stuffed. A friend of mine has had to cohabit with her absolute tosser of an ex because he refused to move out until it sold. Nothing she could do. He behaved much like this. Didn’t even pay the bills.

Unfortunately (or fortunately really) it sounds like you will be the main parental carer and he’s going to be every other weekend and Wednesday dad. If you’re lucky. He may settle down once he’s shagged and drunk his way through the split, but most likely he won’t.

PrincessScarlett · 08/09/2024 16:32

Stop cooking, cleaning and washing for him or he'll never move out if someone is looking after him. What a loser he is. Your poor kids.

Sia8899 · 08/09/2024 16:33

With respect, what were you expecting? For him to suddenly become a doting father, brilliant around the house and want to hang around with the woman who rejected him? He has no incentive to do anything at all anymore other than stay out of the house, as he was doing the bare minimum so you wouldn’t leave him, but now you have.

Yep I’d also be pissed off, I’d be very much rethinking living together while he finds new accommodation and I’d be taking this as a sign that he’s going to be a useless single parent so I’d be making plans to deal with that on my end. You did the right thing breaking up with him, his priority is clearly not his kids. It sounds like you’ve been doing everything while he swans off so at least soon you’ll have one less person to clean up after

EPankhurst · 08/09/2024 16:33

Topshrunk · 08/09/2024 16:00

He is trying to get a mortgage, could be months 😭😭

Right, so he's not destitute if he's got the money to succeed in getting a mortgage. His plans will have to change in the short term and he will have to pay rent somewhere.

Off he fucks.

StaunchMomma · 08/09/2024 16:33

Just tell him if he wants the life of a single man he needs to go and be a single man BUT he will be a single man WITH CHILDREN.

Don't let him talk you into accepting low child support because he has a mortgage or get out of visitation.

Time for the twat to grow up.

Haggia · 08/09/2024 16:36

EPankhurst · 08/09/2024 16:33

Right, so he's not destitute if he's got the money to succeed in getting a mortgage. His plans will have to change in the short term and he will have to pay rent somewhere.

Off he fucks.

Show quote history

Not necessarily true, she cannot force it depending on their set up. If he refuses to budge, there may be nothing she can do and he could freeload as long as he wants.

dapsnotplimsolls · 08/09/2024 16:38

What's your housing situation? If you can't get rid of him quickly then he can do his own washing/cooking. He probably won't do any more childcare than he is at the moment, though, he'll see no reason to.

RJnomore1 · 08/09/2024 16:46

Wtf are you doing cooking and washing for him?

IWasHittingMyMarks · 08/09/2024 16:47

Stop cooking for him. He can buy/cook his own meals.
Stop doing his laundry.
He can sleep on the couch for X weeks until he must find a new place to live.

Demand he pick up after himself every damn time he leaves his shit anywhere; don't pick it up for him.

Tell him he needs to do his share with his children. He's not 'helping you'. He's doing his share of parenting. And that includes the slog bits. ANd there are many.

Tell him you consider yourselves done, over, separated and file for CMS. Make it formal. And see what else you might be entitled to