To still be pissed off

[Topshrunk]

So partner and I have decided to split (on my terms) as his life didn’t seem to change when we had our children now 4 and 7. He doesn’t help with anything and is out most nights of the week on nights out/hobbies. After numerous attempts to try and make it work I now have nothing left to give. We have agreed for him to stay here until he finds somewhere but this is how this week went:

Monday- hobby until late
Tuesday - stayed in
Wednesday - out until late at pub
Thursday - went for food and pub until late
Friday - went to a club and got in at 5am
Yesterday - went out day drinking and I told him not to bother coming back so he didnt.

Part of me wants to ask him to come back but it’s for the wrong reasons, I don’t love him, he is never here. I just can’t imagine ever introducing the kids to another man, does this make sense?

It makes complete sense but you dont have to imagine it now, it's far too soon.
I totally get the grieving for your kids, the single parent fear. That will pass because you can do this.
I am sorry but the only way forward is through all this. It will be ok.

Are you a single
parent?

I just can’t help but feel like I failed. Should I be grieving for the kids? Are they going to be worse off now?. I know I was doing it on my own anyway but I just can’t stop crying today, maybe because imam
off work. I might go to the gym

OP you're thinking WAY too far ahead. You need some time for all this to level out in your head. Any decision you make right now will be ill advised. Take some time, let the dust settle, give him time to think about what he can bring to the table then make a rational decision. You're working on emotions, not logic.

And no there's no stigma against single mums. It's the dads that need held to account, the ones that couldn't step up. Your kids will be more damaged by living with a loser as a role model. Take it from my experience!

Thank you, that means so much. Why am in such a state? I have been so strong

I don't think so these days. I mean there are the haters but haters gonna hate no matter what.

Personally I have a lovely relationship with my kids since being a single mum as I actually focus on them way more as they are my only focus and I don't have a DH to think about!

And you don’t regret what you did? Are your kids ok? I am honestly willing to stay unhappy for the rest of my life if it will benefit them

Has he met somebody else now?

Oh fgs stop bring a martyr, you being unhappy doesn't benefit your kids at all.

I think you both just love the drama

I understand what you’re saying completely and I am not going back, I am just grieving for what could have been. I don’t love the drama at all

I suppose it just isn’t like the way it used to be and women are a lot more independent. It’s pointless having the old fashioned views of you meet somebody have kids and spend the rest of your life with them. I think women now don’t need a man and are brave enough to admit when they know it isn’t right.

You're expecting this to get continuously better, it won't. You'll have a great day, then a good day, then a horrific few days then a great day again. The further you go through the journey, the shit days reduce and the good days increase until you notice one day the shit days are gone. It's a rollercoaster not HS2! Keep pushing through the shit days, they're normal and part of the journey.

Apologies then, i was wrong. Hope you get things sorted.

I told my daughter tonight, she was slightly upset and asked if she would still see him and I said yes of course and then she said at
least we won’t have to smell him? 😩🤣

I was dreading telling her

There shouldn't be as think about it, why are most single mums single? Because the men are rubbish and have fucked off..

Definitely NOT a reason to stay in a bad and damaging relationship.

You've got this, OP - really, you have! It's all a bit of a shitshow at the moment but once he's moved out and you have a peaceful home for you and your DC, it will genuinely be worth it.

And regards your concerns about being a single mum... try not to worry. I'm almost two years into a relationship now but before that, I was a single parent to my 2 DC for ten years. I have no family locally, my ExH was and still is a bit of a dick (although has been a reliable, 'see my kids five nights a month' Dad at least!) and some people are judgemental BUT I can't tell you how great in many ways those ten years were.

I'm closer to my DC in ways I would never have been had ExH stayed (he cheated on me). We have our own little rituals and memories and silly sayings which noone but us understand; we've been on holidays (mainly just camping but you do what you can afford); we have stupid kitchen discos if we're feeling down; I've held them tight to me after nightmares and after heartache; noone can make me laugh harder or groan louder; they are comfortable with me - our house is peaceful and cluttered and full of cats; we share decisions but can be spontaneous in ridiculous ways.

It's harder than anything else I have ever done but they're blossoming into wonderful, thoughtful, caring teens and yes, their Dad has been involved so i can't take all the credit but I know that I wouldn't swap the last ten years for nothing.

And meeting someone else has been wonderful and is as fun and uplifting as falling in love should be... but I really liked my life already so knew I'd never compromise and choose to be with someone who wasn't right.

I wish you so much luck in following through - you'll find your strength again!

Thank you 🥰

The thing is he is now twisting it and saying I have treated him like shit for years. I haven’t, surely anybody with a brain can see that a woman would not take this decision lightly and would do anything for her kids and deep down I would have stayed if I thought it was best for them. Why is he switching it on me?

Because he doesn’t want to be the bad guy, it’s far easier for him if he can get sympathy and validation because you have made him miserable for years, than if he’s a terrible parent who doesn’t pull his weight and behaves like an 18yo student.

Most men will do anything they can get away with to work things to their advantage. My best advice is to assume that this will be the case and proceed accordingly: i.e push back early and as hard as you can to work everything to YOUR advantage.
Never let them get the upper hand, if you do they will exploit you.

I keep trying to figure out in what way have I treated him like shit, yes I have moaned and asked for more support but I’d love him to find another woman who would put up with what I put up with.

Because he's a cunt. Be thankful that you've seen the light and get rid of his whole sorry family asap.

You being happy is the best possible thing for your kids - and properly ditching this loser would be an instant boost to your happiness

If he wasn’t such a nice guy pre kids I wouldn’t be questioning myself now but honestly was! I used to go for idiots when I was younger and decided to go for a complete geek as he wouldn’t mess me around 🙄