To ask would you ever ask or have you asked your adult children to move out or would you be happy for them to stay at home forever?

[donedown]

Just that really.

Do you expect that with the housing market as it is that they will just stay at home for a significant amount of time? Is this something you are happy with?
Would there be a cut off point or age you would ask them to move out if they where still at home and they could afford to rent and obviously had not found a partner or had a family?

I love my children dearly but the transition from teens to adults has been challenging with one of them and I cannot imagine being 60 and wanting some space and peace to relax and still living with them!

But the rental market isn't affordable in many areas either. And house shares are few and far between.

Some might be able to buy but then may have to rent their rooms out to be able to afford to live.

It just seems strange on how much value and worth people place on getting their children out of home ASAP and how these same people have decided that anyone who doesn't meet this criteria is a failure.

I still maintain its people who have never struggled, have been financially helped and are currently being propped by a partner that decide anyone without any of those is a failure and it's all too easy to dismiss something you've not experienced.

It feels like a lot of people had children for something to do and want to absolve all responsibilities on their 21st birthdays.

😂😂

Our ds moved out three years ago aged 23, but our dds are still here aged 24 & 27 and I suspect will be here forever due to disability. However, if their circumstances change and they are able to move then I would be delighted for them. It is challenging for both parents and adult children living together, but we seem to rub along ok. There are times we disagree and get annoyed with each other, but they don't tend to last.

When I'm 60, my son will have only just turned 18. He's ND. I think he will be at home a lot longer than my eldest who went to uni and moved straight into a flat when she graduated. I don't mind at all. Both of my children will always have a home with me if they need it.

I wouldn't make them but I'd rather they did at some point, mainly because the house isn't really suitable for three grown children. Two still technically share (stud wall in biggest bedroom) and one has a tiny room that literally just fits in a single bed and bedside table. There just isn't space for them to have boyfriends stay. They are currently 24, 18 and 15.

Failure to Launch has made me laugh and think! Mine are 20 and 18.. The eldest is doing an apprenticeship and living at home. The youngest still at school but unlikely to go to university either. The eldest pays rent and cooks once a week and does his own washing. The youngest does very little. I'm ok, happy to have them around still but irritated with late nights and noise sometimes and doing the lions share of the housework. It would be worse if there were girlfriends and boyfriends knocking about the house as we only have 3 bedrooms and one bathroom. I would hope they would be moved out by their early to mid twenties but we haven't talked about it yet. Hopefully it will just naturally happen...

My DH had a huge stroke 2 years ago and needs a significant amount of care. My wonderful DC both early 20's stay now to help with this care and so I am not basically the sole carer. They are under no obligation to do so, I tell them often to live their lives. They won't at present. So, I love their presence and the company it gives me, and help, but I also wish it were not so. Situations are complicated and black and white answers to this question probably have less complicated lives

I do agree that moving out is becoming increasingly expensive, but equally I don't think that means it's wrong for parents not to want to live with their adult children indefinitely.

I'm someone who lived at home on/off throughout my twenties for unavoidable reasons and in hindsight, it really wasn't healthy for any of us. The dynamics were all wrong, I craved my independence (which I'd had for several years when I was living alone) and my parents really struggled having an "adult child" under their roof as opposed to a teenager.

I'm sure you're right that some people just can't wait for their kids to leave the second they turn 18, but I'm really not convinced that it's wrong for people in their sixties and seventies not to want to share their homes with their 30-odd year old kids either.

I dated an Italian guy who had his own "unit". A flat beneath his mothers but in the same building. He went to her for every meal (or ate out). She cooked, washed up etc. She'd had an operation one time when I visited and I suggested he washed up for her, he looked at me like I had two heads! She would go down and clean his flat every day. He was the least independent man I knew! He even left her his sheets to change after we'd shared the bed. Disgusting!

So I don't think having separate flats tells you anything. Likewise someone still living at home tells you nothing. I've known very independent people who still live at home and others who may have their own home but can't do a thing for themselves. They have their mums come round to clean, bring them food etc. I've known people like it. So I know it happens.

My son is only 8 but I would never kick him out at an arbitrary age. I moved out at 22

I expect my child to want to move out and stand on his own two feet but if he's not ready at 18, I'll help him work towards like my parents did for me. Not just kick him out for the sake of it.

I am heavily judged for my situation which annoys me when I look at some of the people I know who would be in the same or similar situation if their partners left them. I can only think of one person who would be able to live independently if her partner left. The others all wouldn't be able to do so.
I know one on a 8 hour contract who has a lovely life as lives with her fiance who pays the mortgage and who paid for everything else before they moved in. She gets to chill out in her lovely flat and work casual hours. No kids, no health conditions. Doesn't get judged.

I know another woman in her seventies. Gave up work at 40 as has a rich husband. Again, lives in a lovely home which she wouldn't have without him.

Another lady, part time worker, no kids, works mornings. Lives in a gorgeous house by the river with her high earning husband.

31 year old woman I know through work inherited from her grandmother and lives in a big house. Again, wouldn't have a chance without that.

All they have done differently to me is meet a high earning man or be lucky enough to inherit. None of them are judged but I am.

The trouble is, while adult offspring stay in their parents' house to save huge deposits, it sustains house prices at their ridiculously high level. If nobody could afford them, they would have to drop. See also inheritances from the sale of over priced houses - it all widens the gap between the haves and the have nots.

Sometimes leaving too early can mean they boomerang back.

DH has 7 cousins/siblings and only 3 are living outside the family home/ in-laws gome (all in their 20s and 30s). Only we own our flat, his older cousin rents with his children and wife, another friend at university. The rest live at home or at their in laws home, its because when rent gets too high and life gets hard, that's when the kid has to move back home including with wife and grandchild in tow, that's the case for my SIL .

We stayed with family for 3 years until dh and I were 26 and 29 respectively (dh studied abroad before that and dh stayed with his mom during university). We bought our own flat so were able to fix our mortgage for 5 years and build equity. SIL and her DH spent over 100k in rent in 9 years and then had a baby hence why they had to move back home. 2 young people in our family also living with family due to mental health issues.

I asked dh younger sister if she ever planned to move out and she said why would I want to?! Can't argue with that.

Ours are still at home in their early 20’s. It’s to give them a chance to save for a deposit. If they did move out they would only be able to afford rent in areas where I would worry about them living. The youngest girlfriend, now wife, moved in 3 years ago. We all manage to get along, for the most part.

The problem is that when if you move out too early and then also don't progress in your career you end up moving back in your 30s (or becoming homeless). DH's sisters have both moved in with their in laws, one with a child as they can no longer afford rent. We lived with parents for 3 years so that we could buy a flat and fix mortgage for 5 years which was enough time for our salaries to catch up.

Just because you can afford your place at 20 without getting homeless is no guarantee of your ability at 30. However if you have some savings and ability to save due to lower mortgage then it's easier to sustain living on your own in the long term. The sad thing is I don't actually see how SILs can afford to move out as rent rises have surpassed my imagination.

Blimey I was not expecting so many replies, thank you, a lot to think about!

I think the problem currently is partly because the property is very small so I do not really have the space to shut away for some peace and part of it is that one of my DC in particular wants all the independence of an adult which obviously they are but non of the responsibility of being an adult or contributing in any way to the running of the household. So they leave the kitchen a mess or leave their rubbish everywhere in joint spaces or do not bother to clear their plates or leave rubbish in their room which could attract mice and it is not like I can remove wifi, ground them or take away their phone is it because they are adults, the oldest will think nothing of coming home from 3 days at friends just to dump all their mess in shared areas to be sorted when they feel like it so the mess gets me down and to be honest I have brought them up better!

One of them has horrible mental health (as do I) so we do get on each others nerves in a way we perhaps would not if we were both well but I often feel like I am walking on egg shells even speaking to them which I do get as I have ptsd but it is still hard.
When they have people over the noise and interruption is unavoidable for me.

I left home at 16, was married and had a child by the time I was the age of my oldest but I did go home for a year following divorce and it was awful because the dynamic did not work.
I would never make them leave and they would always be able to come home in a crisis but I do not want to never ever have my own space if I am honest.

My husband's sisters who moved out early and rented now have to move in with their in laws. Private rental is not a good long term solution for most unless you have regular salary rises. Sooner or later many are priced out.

I've never said its wrong to want your own space.

What I don't agree with is the desire to get your child gone. On here, there's a few posts that desperately want their children gone at 25 and if you're child is still at home at 29, you've failed as a parent and the child is instantly to be wrote off as an adult too.

These same posters are also providing hefty deposits to get their children, so lt much independence there and are peddling the Utopia of house shares, as though they are cheap and easy to come by before meeting a partner and buying together.

None of which screams independence

Adult children need to leave home, I know it's tough out there but they have to navigate that. If I had a child aged 25-30 (God forbid even older), in full time employment who still lived at home, I'd be having a discussion as to why they can't spread their wings.

I live in the SE, I know several young people getting on the property ladder at around 25-30, it can be done.

I think that the question is phrased the wrong way round. Would you be happy still cooking, washing up, cleaning etc. for your middle-aged children when you are in your 70s or older? Do people really think that those who do not leave home, or return after a breakup or job loss should be supported physically and financially by their elderly parents? This is what the people saying they will also want their children around are looking at.

I have three early 20s. All at home. Hopefully one day they will afford their own places. I don't want them to rent I'd rather they saved and bought somewhere.

My adult children cook and clean and do their own washing. I cook an evening meal for everyone if I feel like it. Or DH does.

I still maintain there's nothing wrong with wanting your adult child to move out of home at some point. It's normal for children to spread their wings and stop relying on their parents when they're out of education and working full-time.

I think getting bogged down in details of "well, John isn't dependent because he got help with his deposit" is a bit pointless. There are plenty of ways to move out of home that don't involve the bank of mum and dad, but on here, they all seemed to sneered at as awful, or depressing.

I don't know anyone who didn't move out and into a shitty flat share or bedsit in their twenties. It was a bit of a "rite of passage" that seems to be missing today. Yes, partly because of cost but partly because I think too many people are used to their home comforts and don't think moving out should mean dropping their standards in any way.

I bought at 26 and when DH was 29. It took a whole year to buy a property. When we moved back it took 8 months for me to get my visa (though I could work while waiting) so we couldn't really rent. And then dh changed job and spent some time in between jobs so by the time he passed probation in new jobs, 2 years had passed and we had saved up 50k (plus 10k we already had) and then took another year to look for homes, buy and complete (were gazumped twice, and this was after brexit in London).

Lived with DH's parents for just over 3 years. We were lucky. I think for any prospective buyer in London nowadays savings you would need is closer to 100k. We only managed to save up 60k in our day.

Why do people assume that parents still do their adult child's food prep, washing and cleaning if they live at home?
I do my own and both parents would say I am the better cook out of us all.
Just another lazy assumption. Lumping the stereotypes in of an adult kid in the basement, usually gaming, shouting orders at their frazzled, older mother who is running around like a headless chicken to provide for their lazy, failed to launch adult child. Just ridiculous. Speaking nonsense on set ups you know nothing about.