To ask would you ever ask or have you asked your adult children to move out or would you be happy for them to stay at home forever?

[donedown]

Just that really.

Do you expect that with the housing market as it is that they will just stay at home for a significant amount of time? Is this something you are happy with?
Would there be a cut off point or age you would ask them to move out if they where still at home and they could afford to rent and obviously had not found a partner or had a family?

I love my children dearly but the transition from teens to adults has been challenging with one of them and I cannot imagine being 60 and wanting some space and peace to relax and still living with them!

I facilitated them finding their own place and encouraged them because I said if anything happened to me, then they would be stuck - this house would have to be sold and in the meantime what would they do? In the event one of them didn't move out until his mid thirties despite having a house by then - lots wrong with it. The other has a flat but spends a lot of time with me because he needs the support. The other one is welcome too if he needs it, but he seems ok just with visiting.

I think a lot of us who either don't have children or who still have young children can't get that there comes a time when you need to have a "child" free home - I love my DC dearly, but there are times when it's just a bit much - at nearly 70.

What independence would you have lost by staying at home?

I just found living at home very restrictive. Yes, I was an adult and could (theoretically) do what I want, but in reality that just wasn't the case. My parents had their own routines and to a great extent, I had to fit around them rather than being able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

I probably found it harder because I had lived independently before I moved back for a bit, though. If it had always been my "usual" to live at home, I'd maybe not have realised how stifling it was.

But alot of posters have expectations their children are gone by 18 by moving to Uni and then never coming home.

It isn't always realistic that someone will finish Uni at 21, straight into a well paying job and into a houseshare within 4 weeks of graduating.

I employed a student who finished Uni in the summer. She's a qualified paediatric nurse now but her job doesn't start till November so is unemployed till then. She moved back home and is working for me again to earn some money to keep her going. She's moved back home and will stay at home while she saves enough to move out.

For what a house share costs her, her parents said come home and she can pay a quarter of that to them and save the rest, which she wouldn't be able to do in a house share.

I think it depends on the family. It's ridiculous to say you've failed. Multi generational systems can work well (if they are not forced) GP can be gently supported if required or parents can have support with child care (again not forced!). Children grow up emotionally healthy if they are surrounded by a wide range of people. However clearly as shown on Mumsnet boards this does not happen always in multi generational living.

One thing stands out on this thread is that those forced out don't want their kids to grow up feeling abandoned and are offering their kids a home always❤This is heart warming.

😏😍.

I would encourage to leave but hopefully they know they will always have a home here if they need it.

I moved out after living away at Uni, but had spells back at my parents when I moved jobs/ locations etc and came home for a couple of months before sorting myself out. I think my last spell was age 30 when I finally bought my first property.
It's healthy for young adults to move out but rent is stupidly expensive round here.

For their own sake, I hope my DC will be healthy and wealthy enough to live independently in future

But I hope my home would always be a safe, welcoming place they could return to on a temporary basis should the need arise

But alot of posters have expectations their children are gone by 18 by moving to Uni and then never coming home.

It isn't always realistic that someone will finish Uni at 21, straight into a well paying job and into a houseshare within 4 weeks of graduating.

While you're right that expectations and reality don't always match, I really don't think it's unreasonable to want your adult children to move out sooner rather than later.

For our son, he'd "lose" independence because it's only a small house, creaking floorboards, thin walls, etc., so him bringing a girl home wouldn't be appropriate as we'd hear everything, nor would him coming home in the middle of the night waking us up, etc., so living at home would be cutting his wings as he'd not be free to do as he wanted.

Even moreso after 3 years of living in Uni flats where he could do exactly what he wanted, when he wanted, not having to think about other occupants of the house.

Ours are still little, but the plan is that we support them fully while in full time education, but after that will be charging them rent and secretly keeping it back to give them back as a house deposit. They will be welcome to stay so long as they’re saving for their future; I want them to understand planning for the future.

My parents avoided this dilemma by having us work while we were still at school, selling our home out from under us, pissing their money up the wall and then relying on their kids to bankroll them

I get what your saying.

There is a certain irony of people telling you to be independent as they are propped up by a higher earning partner.

Same as the people on here who have independent children living in homes they have rented or purchased with deposits coming from their parents

It's always the ones whove never had a struggle that decide who are failures.

A houseshare wouldn't guarantee much more privacy.

The one I was in, we complained to the landlord because the one lad had a different girl back most weekends and the noise and mess left by this was impacting everyone else so they were evicted.

I think at 70 you are well entitled to your own space. I am hoping to have it by my mid fifties.

It was considered embarrassing to still be at home at 21 when I was that age. At DP's I was made to feel like an inconvenience (my whole life) so I was not hanging around.

My DC are welcome to stay as long as they're being proactive about saving & are doing their bit around the house. I've family whose adult DC are disrespectful, don't contribute & expect washing & cooking done for them. I can't do that!

My DS has said he's NEVER leaving me and that made me think eekkk.... So I know I do eventually want him to launch on his own. He'd better still call me, though!!

My DS told me, when he was 10, that he was never leaving home and would live with me till I died then he would buy his own house once he checked I was "properly" dead 😂

He's 16 now and has said depending on what career he chooses will depend how long he lives here and whether we need to adapt the house.

He has no pressure from us.

I don't know. I never went back after leaving for university at 18, and I bought a flat in my early twenties, but the situation's so different now. We have one of ours currently living at home while he gets established in a graduate job. We're in London and it's only been a couple of months so far; he doesn't really want to be here, but it makes good sense financially for now. We haven't asked him to pay rent, so that he can save up to move out. On the one hand he's good company, I like a busy house, and he's actually out far more than he's here, either at work or socially - but he's very untidy and I'm still doing his laundry, mainly because I don't want the washing machine commandeered when I need to use it for the rest of us. I don't mind for now, but if he's still here in six months we'll need to review the situation. I wouldn't ask him to go, or pay rent, but we'd have to talk about his contribution in some way, such as not leaving his room in such a state, or not devouring the contents of the fridge when he gets in from a night out...In some ways he's still living the teenage life at 22. He'll always be welcome, but the terms will need to change.

Mine were welcome to stay as long as they wanted/ needed. One moved out at 23, had to move back for a short time when it became apparent that the flat he and his gf were renting was mouldy and the landlord had done a decent job of cleaning and hiding it without tackling the cause (poorly built with insufficient ventilation). They moved out when they found another flat after a couple of months. Othe DC went to uni, returned home after graduation and while they got settled in work. Moved out into their own home during COVID. They both know there is a bed here for them if ever they need it. Dils know this as well.
I would never have pushed them out.

House shares are shit. I hated living in one. Wouldn't make my DS do it unless he wanted to.

Just because you hated it, doesn't mean your DS would, though.

I didn't particularly love living in a house-share either, but for me, it was infinitely better than being tuck with my parents, even if I was broke

Ideally, I would like my children to be able to establish a career and buy a home, and realistically that means being able to house them if required for a chunk of their twenties. DD's chosen career will involve a lot of freelancing and short-term contracts with a lot of travel n the early stages, and having a reliable base will let her take on more relevant work rthat will lead to o better jobs rather than being stuck working in a cafe to pay the rent. And if living at home for a couple of years allows them to save up for a deposit to buy their first home, that seems worth it.

I think multi-generational households will become more common if housing costs keep increasing. I'm definitely training up my teens to be housemates who make a positive contribution to the household rather than eternal dependent children, and I will encourage them to move on when it's appropriate but also accept that while I was able to buy a house in my twenties without parental help, this is unlikely to be the case for my children.

Haha. Mine was 10 also. He's 11 now & unsure where his future lies, apparently. He might even move to Japan!

Didn't promise to check if I was still alive first, though!!

Mine can stay as long as they like but I'm always encouraging them to look to the future and mention things about "when they live in their own place"
They know it's an expectation and something they work towards from now.
Even getting good grades at school is a investment towards their future life which, hopefully, includes getting their own place.

I know, and if he wanted to do it then he can go for it, but I wouldn't expect him to just to get him to move out.

I come from a culture that does multi generational living and is often romanticised on here.

It's very very different to British style multi generational living - there's no paying rent but equally there's no sense that by paying rent you then get to do whatever you want, have your boyfriend/girlfriend/friends round whenever, pick up after yourself occasionally and that's it.

It works because everyone genuinely pulls together. If your parents have guests, you're giving up your bed and helping entertain the guests, if granny needs to go to a hospital appointment, you might need to take her etc. But equally if you need help, everyone is there for you too.

It's not for me. I don't want to live with my children when they are adults. By which I don't mean they're out on their ear on their 18th birthday but once they are sorted with jobs post graduation, we will downsize and give them deposits to buy flats/houses. Of course in an emergency, we will be there for them. But absolutely I won't be encouraging them to live with us indefinitely

I'm not sure everyone on this thread quite understands what the word independent means

It means the action or fact of maintaining or supporting oneself. Which if you are dependent on your parents for accomodation you aren't by definition