To ask would you ever ask or have you asked your adult children to move out or would you be happy for them to stay at home forever?

[donedown]

Just that really.

Do you expect that with the housing market as it is that they will just stay at home for a significant amount of time? Is this something you are happy with?
Would there be a cut off point or age you would ask them to move out if they where still at home and they could afford to rent and obviously had not found a partner or had a family?

I love my children dearly but the transition from teens to adults has been challenging with one of them and I cannot imagine being 60 and wanting some space and peace to relax and still living with them!

DH and I are fortunate ... Our 2 DD (late 20s) left for Uni at 18 and 19 - got their own place after that, and never came back. They live within 20 minutes drive and we see them 3 times a month ... Speak most days on whatsapp. They have 100% got their own lives, are on very good wages, have busy social lives, and many hobbies, and are postgraduate professionals (both married - and about to be married.)

They never need anything from us - exactly just the way it should be. Children should leave home and be independent, and not live with their parents past mid 20s IMO. I know it's not a perfect world and the cost of living is high, but no generation has had it easy. I couldn't wait to leave my parents house (I left at 20,) and it was the 1980s. (A very tough decade economically!)

Leaving home at 20, getting my own place, and never looking back made me more independent - and was character building. So I am glad my 2 DD left quite early on and became independent very quickly. (I mean we would be there if our DD needed us of course, and we would welcome them home if they had nowhere else, but they just simply don't need us.)

I know someone who's got three daughters still at home. Aged 24, 32, and 36. The youngest and the oldest have never left.

The 36 year old left school 20 years ago - and I don't think she's been in a job for more than 6 or 7 years of those 20 years. And she has never left home! Some days she lies in bed til midday. She pays no rent or board money.

The 32 year old had a baby 2 and a half years ago, broke up with her boyfriend she had been living with for 2 years - 3 weeks later - and moved back in with her mum and dad (my friend and her DH.) She pays no rent or board either.

Then the youngest DD is 24. She's working full time and chucks in a couple hundred quid a month, but has never had a boyfriend and is absolutely no hurry to leave.

So my friend is juggling a 30 hours a week job, helping to look after the grandkid half the time, (as her DD seems unable to cope half the time, and wants to go out a lot with her mates!) and also nursing her ailing husband who's 10 years older than her. (The age gap seemed fine when they were 25 and 35. It's not so fine to know they're 56 and 66.)

They're in a big 5-bedroom house, and she said to me about 10 years ago (when the youngest was 14 and she was 46,) that when the youngest is 18, she is going to move down to a small 2-bed house. (She was praying the older 2 would leave soon!)

It hasn't happened, and it's not likely to happened for a long time yet. I do not envy her at all. She's paying about £1500 a month for this big house, when she could live somewhere half the price and half the size - that would have much lower bills, and be easier to clean and maintain. Sadly, she's stuck in a rut, as she is supporting these 'woman babies', indefinitely, and looking after an ailing older husband.

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I'd never want to have held our DS back by living at home as we live in a run down region with no major employers and few prospects. Right from the start of him going to secondary, we've discussed future paths of university options and career options, and that's included places where different kinds of job were located, i.e. at one point he thought about engineering, but we pointed out that you have to move where the jobs are and then often have to move throughout life as one engineering project comes to an end and he'd have to move elsewhere, whether in the UK or abroad. We also pointed out the centralisation of "professional" jobs in London and a handful of other big cities. Likewise, we pointed out that there are jobs for teachers, doctors, nurses etc in virtually every town throughout the country. We also made it crystal clear what options there were locally in terms of university and decent employers.

Whilst we didn't "push him out of the nest", we made it clear that he had to think seriously about where he wanted to live which to an extent dictated his university and career choices. In the end he chose our city's university but didn't live at home - even though just 10 miles away, he chose to live in student flats. We fully supported that. Upon graduation, he only applied for jobs in certain locations, none within commuting distance as there were none on offer, but he avoided cities he didn't like and concentrated job applications on 4 cities he did like, bearing in mind he'd be moving to live there. Yes, it was a wrench for him and us for him leaving home, but it has to be head over heart for both sides, and he's done the right thing. He has now completed his first year in his job, established well in both the firm and the new city, and has no regrets.

Some of his local teenage friends are back living at home, despite graduating, doing work in pubs and retail but that's false economy - they can't afford their own homes because they're on minimum wage. But "chose" not to move away for better paid careers because they didn't want to pay their own living costs. Sadly, some appear destined for a life on minimum wage as better jobs are few and far between in the run down regions.

The poster above who mentions missing out on the fun of houseshares must have different memories to me. Houseshares were the ultimate definition of hell is other people, it was one of the lowest points in my life. Wouldn't wish it on my kids, it wasn't character building.

We've got a few kids, not all started out as ours. If they all came back (one is still at home), we'd be a bit cramped for space! But they are all welcome if they need to return.

It's funny, I've been thinking about this recently. I was brought up working class, it was normal in our family to leave school young, get married, stay local. I bought into the middle class dream, educated, moved away, really lost touch with my roots. It hasn't made me happier, struggling with elderly parents being far away. I go home and see family members living in multigenerational houses or living just down the road from each other and they are so much happier, have so much support.
I'm not sure pushing your kids away is all it is cracked up to be. One of our kids is working away, very unhappy, very lonely and I wonder if we've done the right thing promoting such independence.

I don’t believe you, sorry! I would defo think wtf if I heard someone was living at home at that age, and so would most people if they’re being honest.

So much judgement on this thread it's untrue. People tell me not to listen or that people aren't judging but they very much are.

I know women who live with partners , no kids and they work very part time hours yet nobody judges them. I know a good few women in this situation and none would have the lifestyle they do now without a partner.

I haven't been on holiday for years, dress and feed myself on the cheap, never get my nails done or any form of beauty treatments. No online clothes orders either. It all goes on food for the family, various bills , travel and health purposes. I'm far from leading an amazing and exciting life like many people believe because I am one of those 'woman babies '.

I hate having them all here still. They are bloody lazy and do nothing at all. I'm unloading the dishwasher numerous times a day, wiping up crumbs, listening to endless moans about life (severe MH with one of them and honestly sympathy running low and no end in sight). Fridge is filled with stuff I don't eat so no space for anything. I can't give the younger ones the bigger rooms so they are stuck in box rooms. It's my fault if people want to blame me, I tried throughout the years to get them to help but they just don't.
The younger one is way more helpful. Trip over shit all the time, endless bloody deliveries and no one else answers the door.
I hate it. I want them to go and live somewhere else and visit once a year. It's probably ruined our relationship tbh.

A room in a house share near to our nearest city (as an example) is £650 a month plus utilities (this is a 4 bed and has a shared kitchen, shared bathroom and shared living room)

One in our town is £750 someone's looking for a lodger for £500 plus 50/50 split of bills.

It's not this cheap utopia you're claiming.

What's wrong with saving to move out alone? What's the difference in a house share for two years then moving home to save to buy than staying at home, save to buy then move?

Thankfully his soon to be wife isn't like you.

He went to work on a cruise ship at 18. Did that until all ships got grounded for covid. Between cruises he lived with Mom, Dad and Brother. Brother died of cancer at 26. Dad died of heat attack 2 years later, leaving his Mom.

He has travelled the world, had brilliant experiences, met his now fiancee, who also still lived with her parents while cruising. She came off cruises 2019 and lived with her parents. Friend is now still cruising and when between cruises, still lives at his Moms. His fiancee has now moved in there as her parents died and house was sold.

The house he lives in with his Mom and Fiancee will go to him and his mortgage free. Fiancee works and has her own social life and hobbies.

But you're absolutely right, wtf, what a loser!

I agree. In my son's city, it's a tourist and Uni city, and room rentals are also stupidly expensive and rare as hen's teeth, because all suitable accommodation goes to Uni students and landlords won't rent to anyone else, as students put up with poorer quality and still able to pay stupidly high amounts due to the loans they pay with.

A few of his older colleagues have bought 2/3 bedroom homes with the prime motive of renting out rooms to their co-workers! Some of my son's graduate intake last September were living in hostels for the first few months until they managed to find a proper house share to live.

We plan to sell the family home when the kids are 20 and 22. We will move to a cheaper, more rural area and downsize. We’ve said to the kids that there will be bedrooms for them but I expect they will have either built a life in our current town or be at Uni.

I am planning on splitting funds from the family house and buying them, say, a 2 bed apartment in our current town if thats where they are - a living inheritance if you like.

Looking at listings near me, A double room is £850/£900 with nobody age 40 or over classified as one of the requirements.

Would it be fair to say 'generally, families are more accepting of women staying at home longer/permanently, while men are often expected to leave?

Seems to be the trend by reading the comments.

For DS to live independently, based on this weeks prices, he needs to earn £50,000 income to rent a flat. Unlikely he will earn that at 18.

Of course he doesn't need to earn 50k to live independently - he can move out into a houseshare like everyone else!

I think that it's good for a young adult say who is finished university to leave home and live away from parents. It gives them independence and helps them meet new people.

I know people then who are staying at home but are working hard, moving up the career ladder and are saving hard to buy a home. The car they have is an old banger and they are not going on holidays. They are happy to pay the share of the bills and help out at home.
I know some parents who are not charging the kids rent or bill money to help the kids save more towards this.

I have seen some people who stayed at home and long term I think it has made life harder for them. As they get older its harder to meet someone and say I am still living at home. They can't just bring someone home and have very little privacy. Then with some men mammy is still doing everything for them and they expect the same from a girlfriend if they move in with her.

I think as well that as parents get older they want time on their own and not to be paying all the bills and doing all the housework. As a couple it nice to have child free time and not be dealing with adult children in their late 20's and above still living at home.

So my friend is juggling a 30 hours a week job, helping to look after the grandkid half the time, (as her DD seems unable to cope half the time, and wants to go out a lot with her mates!) and also nursing her ailing husband who's 10 years older than her. (The age gap seemed fine when they were 25 and 35. It's not so fine to know they're 56 and 66.)

Your friend’s age gap experience isn’t typical. Very few people are “ailing” at 66. I married my husband when I was 28 and he was 39. We are now 63 and 74 and he’s still fit, no major health issues (he had cancer in his 50s but fully recovered from that) and still doing some academic work. We’ve travelled all over the world since my retirement five years ago.

Sorry, off topic I know but felt I had to comment.

House shares are also expensive and rare as hens' teeth in some popular cities these days. People are behind the times if they think flats and house shares are as cheap and easy to find as years ago.

House shares round here for non students are rare. There's one at the moment for £650 plus bills plus someone looking for a lodger £500 plus 50% split of bills.

These are private advert ones.

All rentals around here require your Income to be 4-5 times the annual rent.

House shares through agents also require the same

So it's about a thousand pound for a house share not including shopping
People expecting their children to move out at 18, how are they expecting them to fund this on a minimum wage job or an apprentice wage?

But you do you.

My child will never be given a time frame to leave. He does more round the house than half the husbands on here, is confident, organised, hard worker and independent and doesn't need to be forced out of his home to prove this

House shares round here for non students are rare. There's one at the moment for £650 plus bills plus someone looking for a lodger £500 plus 50% split of bills.

That sounds perfectly reasonable to me for an adult in their twenties working full-time.

Living independently is never going to be cheap, especially for someone who is just starting out.

I remember moving out and paying a fair whack of money each month to live in a crappy flat share above a funeral parlour - would I have had a higher standard of living at home? Sure, but I wouldn't have had my independence and that was the most important thing for me.

But what about the ones who are claiming it's perfectly acceptable to pay this and who expect the children to be out of the house by the time they are 18 or 21?

It's such a bizarre attitude that success is base Don how quick you leave home, who cares if its a struggle!

Large family farm here so I am still at home and running the business. Every household and family is different so it doesn’t do much good to compare peoples entirely different situations.

We have plenty of room and need all hands on deck, so it works well.

I do think it's important to distinguish between just-turned 18 and someone who's mid twenties.

While moving out at 18 may be totally unrealistic for many people, I do think that it should be okay to want your 25 year old children to be making their own way in the world, not living in their childhood bedroom indefinitely.

What independence would you have lost by staying at home?

I don't feel I lost any? I found house shares a struggle because I couldn't save to buy and couldn't afford to live alone so I moved back home.

Nothing changed except my chance to be able to save and work two jobs.

No one said he was a loser, you’re projecting.

but depending on a house being left to you doesn’t make me think he’s a real go getter either. That’s ok, I am entitled to my opinion, as are you!

Why would you want your son to live with you forever?