To ask would you ever ask or have you asked your adult children to move out or would you be happy for them to stay at home forever?

[donedown]

Just that really.

Do you expect that with the housing market as it is that they will just stay at home for a significant amount of time? Is this something you are happy with?
Would there be a cut off point or age you would ask them to move out if they where still at home and they could afford to rent and obviously had not found a partner or had a family?

I love my children dearly but the transition from teens to adults has been challenging with one of them and I cannot imagine being 60 and wanting some space and peace to relax and still living with them!

Not true, common in singapore and majority of population live in 3 bed 100 sq m flats.

In fact when a young couple buys a flat at subsidized rate from the government, many couples are worried their parents actually move themselves into their new pad (and rent out their own flat). Said parents also don't contribute to the deposit..this often happens so many couples are advised to have a conversation with their other half regarding any parents who decide this is an amazing idea.

People talk a lot about multi-generational living being the norm in many cultures, but it's still often out of necessity rather than choice for most.

It also doesn't come without its' pitfalls and there are often members of the family who are clearly pretty unhappy with the set-up.

My children are still at school but do their own laundry, cook for the household, wash up, clean the house etc, so I don't see why getting older and having a job would make them stop and turn me into their servant. We are a household and everyone contributes. If I was doing all that for my children, then I probably would want them to leave sooner rather than later.

After leaving Uni I was given 3 months to find a job else I'd have been asked to leave. I got a job after 6 weeks, a career I'm still in today. My Dad made it very clear that I had to stand on my own two feet, but did explain the exception to this rule was if I had children and was leaving an abusive marriage. (I'd also been told at 16 that I wasn't living in their house if I chose to do a B-Tech instead of A levels.

25 years later and after moving jobs around the country I was discussing moving back to my hometown. My Dad said "Why don't you move back in with me and your Mum?" and I assumed he was taking the mick as to how a ridiculous suggestion this was, and laughed and said "Yeah right". In that fraction of a second, bless him, his face absolutely fell and he immediately looked gutted and I realised. In his older years he'd mellowed and would have LOVED to have me back and was devastate I'd just laughed and thought he was joking. 😬

I think there's a time that kids need to move out, but then a time when they're proper adults so it's ok for them to be back at home. Avoiding "failure to launch" is the aim.

You only need to read the posts on this site to see how incapable people are and don't have the foresight to do tasks around the house.

I'd rather have my DS stay at home till he chose to move out and be a fully functioning adult then kick him out at 21 and be able to understand how to run a household because I did it all and he's never had to do it.

DS would put most of the men to shame on here

I hope they know they can stay home as long as they like, but I know they will want to buy their own home, so I hope that happens for them as soon as they're ready. I hope they don't waste money on rent though, they're definitely not keen on renting either.

I will most definitely encourage mine to go but I think as long as they mucked in with chores and bills I’d be happy for them to stay as long as they want to

younger ds (currently 9) is adamant he is never ever EVER leaving home! We’ll see how that goes. Older ds otoh seems quite excited about going away to uni etc

For context: I don't live in a city, large town with good transport links.
I really feel for people such as a PP who have had to deal with healthy issues, disability etc.
This post is not about them.
There's plenty of people out there in really unaffordable cities and towns - especially kids growing up in London, or places like Cornwall that are popular with tourists so expensive but with a lack of job prospects. I really feel for people in that situation.

But our town isn't either of those things, at all, so it really annoys me SOME of the people going 'can't afford'. I know two different adult men (early 30s) who have NEVER paid rent, who both have worked within walking distance of a workplace their ENTIRE adult lives, both of decent intelligence and physical ability, and yet are still 'saving for a deposit' and their parents go 'ooh but it's so hard' er - yes, for lots of people it is... but for some of them, you do wonder if the parents have ever done the maths and gone 'hold on, rent and bills would cost you XX... you pay nothing to live with me... you earn XXX.... where's the money going? Why have you got so little saved?'

Mine is 6 so it’s hard to imagine but I’d expect if they could afford to they would. If they couldn’t then no!

My mum started buying my sisters crockery for when they 'got their own place'!! They were early- mid twenties. I left at 19

I am happy for mine to stay as long as they need. But eldest (24) is currently moving out. Young is disabled so may not leave

Living alone as a single person is a lot tougher than when you have the security of a partner. The people who know the thirty somethings who still live at home, you don't know their true financial position or if they themselves have physical or other illnesses. People are too quick to judge and assume that they know the ins and outs of everyone's lives. Throughout my thirties, I had two chronic health issues diagnosed and got made redundant. Sometimes life throws massive curveballs at us.

Not all of us have parents who are willing to pay our deposits,a family inheritance which means we get a house or a wealthier partner. I'm made to feel a failure for not having any of that but in many cases it comes down to luck or good circumstances.
My difficulties have given me many life experiences that I didn't think I would have to be dealing with at my age, but again, I am 'sheltered ' as I dare to live at home.

Also, it's not what I believe in or want but some adults do stay at home and if the family themselves are happy with it then who cares what strangers think? I judge people on how they behave and how they treat others. Not on who they live with. Maybe that's just me.

@Failinginlife Yes, it’s that negative stereotype that parents of adult children are afraid of, because some of us know real life examples! Of course multi-generational living can be mutually supportive and fulfilling, it’s the extreme examples that parents want to avoid. One of my friends has a sister in her 50’s who lives in their parent’s house with her partner and one adult child. Her elderly Mum’s been diagnosed with dementia and she won’t do anything to support her. My friend is appalled at her selfishness after decades of parental support. I know a few more selfish adult children, unfortunately.

Yet posters tar everyone with the same brush.
All adults who live at home are selfish and immature. They have 'failed to launch'.
They have all their washing, cooking and cleaning done.
They are untidy and leave mess everywhere.
They stay up late at night gaming.
They stay out all hours spending money and wake the whole house up.
They are lazy

Etc, etc, etc.

It's absolutely ridiculous. I know a lot of adults living at home. They all work, contribute around the house and there is nothing 'wrong ' with them.

One of the many reasons I desperately want my own place is because I am scared of becoming a carer when I have my own serious health issues to contend with. I would never not help but I couldn't do it as a live in and physically it wouldn't be possible anyway. My mum has already said she is against carers and would never go into a home so I'm not sure what she thinks will happen as she knows my physical limitations. For example, I wouldn't be able to maintain the garden, do any form of heavy lifting and so on. I don't know your friends situation but in all fairness, a lot goes on behind closed doors and there's likely more to the story than you realise. A lot of people on MN seem to make a lot of assumptions about people's lives and judge them on the limited knowledge they have.

There are selfish adults everywhere. Not just those living at the family home.

@Failinginlife Sadly, my friend’s sister really is a piece of work, there’s financial abuse as well. It’s definitely an extreme example.

My 16 year old does all of that himself.

Many grown adult men don't do those things either, they expect their wife to do it.

Mine would be welcome at any age if they needed the support. I wouldn't have them on the streets. But I would want to help them to become independent of me. I would want them to have their own families (with or without children) and I wouldn't want us all becoming cramped with lots of different dynamics at play which could impact our relationships. I intend to encourage them to stay and actively save until young 20s at least so that they can stand a chance of getting properties of their own. I would consider building an annex if I could afford to if they needed to be here longer so that they could be a bit more self reliant. I hope to be able to help them toward a deposit and I contribute monthly to a savings account for them to try to help them with life costs in early adulthood. I will reward work and savings though - if they want more, they do more.

Even with all of that, if they fall on tough times and need us this will always be their home. I think people take risks to try to achieve more if they have stable foundations and know, if it all goes wrong, they've somewhere to go. And I want them to feel they can seize opportunities and take risks knowing they always have us here. Things happen - redundancy, illness, divorce etc. They will always be my children and I'd never not help them. My parents are the same and both my sibling and I got on the ladder young (they didn't put money to a deposit as I intend to and I moved out for uni and didn't return but they did help us with advice and by giving me money for food at uni etc plus I didn't have to pay rent before I left for uni as some friends did, I was able to save). Their approach didn't hamper our independence. I know if I really fucked up though, I could stay with them and that's a huge comfort

😂 That's gold.

When I moved back into my parents home for 6 months with my husband and young children, I did more of the cooking and most of the shopping, we hung out the washing etc. Why would you assume adult children can’t do this unless you never taught yours? Teens should do housework, cook and contribute. My 9yo has to plan and cook a dinner for homework, I assume because parents don’t do that so much anymore (my 9yo has already done this with us at home, within age appropriate limits)

Dd1 is 19 and currently living with us (as is her boyfriend). He pays (a bit of) rent, enough to cover his food and some of the seemingly 3 showers he takes a day. She does not, and she was actually shocked at the idea of it! (They both work full time earning quite decent money).
I've said we will talk about it again after Christmas as I actually can't afford to pay for her in full (her dad stopped paying child maintenance when she was 18, but she still uses the same amount of resources). That's not me being mean, it's just a matter of resources.

After some discussions they have started contributing to cleaning up after themselves and-another big shock to them-cleaning up stuff other people might have used as well- on a sort of rota basis.

So a few issues but mostly
We like have them here. Dh and I miss the every other weekend we used to have on our own (when she would go to her dads , which she now doesn't -and neither does dd2 as she has fallen out with him), and there is always someone in the house now it seems, which at times is annoying as I Iike a few hours peace and quiet at times.

Whatever about your daughter, I have no idea why you would agree to have the boyfriend of a 19 year old live with you. They are very young to even be living together and there is absolutely no way I would consider that with younger siblings in the house. It may be my children's home but it is my house and there is no way anyone else is moving in without the strictest of boundaries and evidence of need - not want - and a very definite end point. A couple is one of the cheapest 'units' in whuch one can find housing- you can rent a double room in a shared house or even a studio type set up if needs be. After all, if they're so in love that they must live together, then they won't mind a little discomfort 🙄. If you don't want your daughter and her boyfriend living there- especially the latter obviously - and it sounds like you don't, then why are they? I actually don't get it.

I agree

Absolutely no way I would ever have a boyfriend or girlfriend of my children living with me unless there was some kind of desperate situation (their house burnt down, abuse etc)

I moved out when I was 19 (difficult relationship with a parent) and had my DD at 21. It meant my whole 20s I was poor. I didn’t have opportunities to do exciting things and take risks.
my DD is almost 15 so won’t be moving out anytime soon- she’ll still be in school the age I was when I flew the nest.
I want her to feel like she can stay as long as she wants/needs so she can afford to take risks, do a career she loves, travel. But I also don’t want her to live here so long she misses out on the fun of houseshares and building relationships. She will know that she always has a home to come back to if things don’t go to plan.
also being an only child I don’t want her to put her life on hold to look after me/keep me company

I can see its palatable idea when they’re in their twenties and thirties.

But having my children live with me as they move into middle age, stuck in their ways, forties and fifties is an entirely different prospect. I wouldn’t want that at all. Unless my child had a disability which meant they could never live independently and even then, I’d rather my 50-something year old offspring could be happily and safely living in sheltered accommodation than with me.

My ideal is that they get their own place after university- flat share, rental, and if I can I’d rather help them financially to do that than pay for them to keep living in their childhood home.

TBH - once certain ages had been reached I would presume that the younger adult was looking after the older ones - if they were female anyway .

I have an adult DS and DD.
DD wants to move away, buy her own place etc (too expensive where we live currently). DS is living at home (for various reasons). I know 100% that DS will do anything I need. I don't want him to be my "carer". I wouldn't want that for either of my DC. Luckily it's not something that's needed right now anyway. But don't just assume that sons won't do anything. He's completely capable and pulls his weight.

DS has lived out of home. He lived/worked abroad at one point. So it's not as if he's always lived here. But right now it works for us. If/when he did move out I'd need to get a lodger so what's the point in him paying someone else rent for a room, while a stranger pays me to rent his room? That would just be stupid.