To ask would you ever ask or have you asked your adult children to move out or would you be happy for them to stay at home forever?

[donedown]

Just that really.

Do you expect that with the housing market as it is that they will just stay at home for a significant amount of time? Is this something you are happy with?
Would there be a cut off point or age you would ask them to move out if they where still at home and they could afford to rent and obviously had not found a partner or had a family?

I love my children dearly but the transition from teens to adults has been challenging with one of them and I cannot imagine being 60 and wanting some space and peace to relax and still living with them!

My friend from school is 43, still lives at home and has the most incredible life.

Does your child know that you will consider yourself a failure if he doesn't get a mortgage or move out?

My DS is 16 and I can't imagine telling him he has to leave home at 18 or at 21 like some on here expect.

Given most children are either A Levels or Apprentices till then, how are they expecting them to leave home?!

I know what you mean. I’m much older than you, but I work with a lot of people in their 20’s & 30’s. There’s a noticeable difference between those still living with parents and those who are living independently. Those still with parents are often much more immature. They seem to just drift along and have no “get up & go.”

I hate these threads but I always end up reading them and feel even worse about myself. I left a thread on another forum about my own situation and ended up in tears over the nasty comments I got.
I think what some people don't seem to get is that there are huge variations in the cost of housing around the UK. I live in the most expensive part. The only people that I know of who have bought are couples. My siblings have only been able to do it as their partners were earning a lot more than them. Sometimes I feel really envious of them as they work little hours then get to come and chill out in their homes and nobody judges them for it.
I am still at home at almost 40 years of age. Am I ashamed of myself? Yes. I avoid being around my family as I feel like the old, single spinster who never managed to move away while they are the successful home owners.
I am as I say, single and have chronic health diseases, both diagnosed in the last couple of years. I work but don't earn nearly enough to move out. I have a good deposit , saved for many years and not gone on any holidays etc, but I don't earn enough income. I help around the house and spend weekends alone on my own trips out to get some space so am not around my parents 24/7.

Some people are just extremely judgemental. Life can throw a curveball at anyone and we aren't all lucky enough to have family who will throw large amounts of money our way or high earning partners. Ultimately I think I will have to move to a very cheap town way out of the area I am now living in. But it also needs to be somewhere which has a good hospital and outreach system going and you don't always get that everywhere. Not only that
but the worry of being alone if I did have a flare up and had nobody to call on to help.
I know I get judged and 'side eyed' but I also know I am a decent person who has lived enough life experience to know that life doesn't always go how we want it to and that life can change on a dime.

My friend still lives at home at 43. Has an absolutely fabulous and independent life. Weird to think you'd be so sneery over that and giving them "side eye"

He's done more than most with his life and is one of the only people I know who has actually truly lived a brilliant life.

I've got a 20 year old DS at home. I would expect him to move out by 25, as we are giving the opportunity to save (and he has) and will be in a position to help. I think he would want to be out before this. However, it is made little sense to move out I definitely wouldn't push it.

What I'm finding beyond irritating is that he has a very new GF (one year younger) who is round here a lot. Her mum (who she lives with) won't allow my son in her home/or agree to meet him until they have been seeing each other for much longer - but at the same time is more than happy for her daughter to spend a lot of nights here. It is early days and we are working out some boundaries with DS, that we haven't needed before. He works from home most of the time and she seems to work very little which compounds the issue. His past GF have been away at uni & he spend almost equal time at theirs so this this has got too much too quickly.

He is leaving for a year working in Canada in a couple of months and I am seriously worried that this new GF situation will also affect that negatively in some way, even though it is early days...I haven't seen him so smitten with someone before...I'm overthinking all over the place.

DD is about to go in to last year of uni and doesn’t want to live at home afterwards, but stay in uni city. I hope that happens for her, but she will need to find a job in the next few months even if it’s in a cafe or whatever. Annoyingly she has a holiday job in her home town but doesn’t really like living here (nothing to do with us, just prefers her uni city, has made a life there). However, I have no issue with her being here if she’s in gainful employment, and can contribute to the household bills. She has her own bathroom (shared w DS who is at uni too), can cook etc.
It is more of a responsibility to have an adult child in house in terms of cooking the evening meal - are they going to be in or not - also yesterday dh and I went out at short notice and dd who was going out after work left her keys here so we had to hide a key under the bin. It’s that sort of thing that just adds to the mental load (if we hadn’t messaged her we were going out she wouldn’t have realised she didn’t have keys).
DS also wants to be independent but his uni City is just as expensive as our home one so he’ll find it harder to stay financially I think.
I def want them both out by late 20s, for everyone’s sake.
Out nephew is still at home at 28, by his age I was engaged, and had been living independently for about 5 years! Had one year at home after uni which was enough. I think it makes you a bit institutionalised living at home too long (assuming no serious health issues - mental or physical).

A lot of the comments on here are wilfully ignorant at best. We all have different views and opinions yet some fail to apply common sense when it comes to sharing their opinion and are extremely tunnel visioned.

As you said, there's zero chance of buying or even renting where I live as a single person. I expect DS will have to leave the area to even to be able to afford a rental, nevermind to buy. He has a home with us for as long as he wants and needs and if he's still at home at 40 then so be it.

I also don't base my success on how quick DS leaves home either.

Don't feel like a failure or hate yourself. You are doing what your circumstances allow and there's absolutely no shame in that. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out that the majority of people on here with their own house and children out of the home by 18 or 21 have all had help or have a partner to share financial burdens with.

I also would feel a failure if my child moved into a rental or bought a house but then didn't have much of life because their disposable income was so small to limit them. I'm sure people will scoff at that and blame the person rather than how the country is though!

Not overthinking tbh. I had friend who didn't go abroad as she got boyfriend just before. Tbf they've been married 16 years now with two smashing kids so not at all bad!

DD lives at home and DS is about to go off to university. DD works 11/12 hour days in a very stressful job. We don't ask her for any rent as she is saving up for a house deposit. She cooks for herself most evenings but I still do her washing for her to help her out a bit as she does such long days. We have always stressed to our kids that they are welcome to live at home or come back home at any time at all. They both have their own friends and go out and do stuff a lot but we also actually have a lot of fun doing things together as a family and get on really well.

DS is only 11 but he and any future partners are welcome here as long as they want, same as I can go home at any time.

We are lucky enough that DS has his own living room and could have his own access to the house if we wanted. Our aim is to move again in a few years and buy something with land so wouldn't be opposed to him building a house in the grounds eventually. We will be closer to a major city so can't see him wanting to move far away.

My DS is 16 so I'm not there yet but I'll be happy for him to live at home as long as he wants.

I left home when I was 17 and have never been back. I can't afford to buy a house. Initially I lived in a house share with some awful people, then moved in with my abusive boyfriend then when we split up I had to go to a refuge until I got a council flat.

None of these experiences have added anything good to my life. I don't think there's anything "independent" about giving away your money to a landlord or living with people who steal your food out your cupboards. Why would I want my child to suffer like I did.

If he wants to move out I'll be happy for him especially if he can buy a house, if he doesn't want to or isn't able to then I'm fine with that too. It depends where life takes him.

As some PPs have said, I believe it’s part of being a parent to give your DC the life skills to fly the nest and live independently. That said, I used pension money to give DC enough to pay deposit on a flat. One bought last year and the other will buy next year when they finish uni and get a job.

We figured the money would do more for them now in terms of borrowing less/paying less interest than later on after we die ie as inheritance. It was something my dad drummed into me when I was young even though we were very working class. Keep your debts as low as you can.

we also figured we were effectively supporting them financially when living with us - even if paying rent, contributing to bills etc, there’s no way it would cover how much they were really costing us to live at home. So we thought we’d rather support them living somewhere else than living at home.

living independently has been great for DS. Took him a wee while to adapt but his confidence and life skills have massively increased. Before he always came to us immediately he had a problem but now he only does so if he’s not sorted it himself.

DD is lovely but as a young adult, is a bit of a nightmare to live with and really needs her own space - she can’t wait to move out next year and neither can me and DH wait to see the back of her lol! Although will enjoy visiting her in her own place!!

For DS to live independently, based on this weeks prices, he needs to earn £50,000 income to rent a flat. Unlikely he will earn that at 18.

Cheapest house in this area for sale is £650,000. Unlikely he will have the deposit saved and income to afford the mortgage at 21.

It would be cheaper to extend and adapt our current house or build a house in our garden than it would to do the above

DS at 16 does more than most fully grown men I've read about on here and is very independent.

Such a shame he and I will be considered failures for him not moving out of home by 21 or for multi generational living......

My 3 all moved out at some point but have moved back home again. One married but moved back after bereavement, one lived with a boyfriend but moved back due to domestic abuse and now has mental health problems and another one moved back due to domestic abuse but has now got their own home with a new partner. Yes it would be nice if we could have our home to ourselves sometimes but I would never say that had to leave and we all get along well

In case of abuse or a health breakdown or sudden redundancy my home will always be open to whatever age!

No he does not need salary of 50k.

Multigen living people here sometimes do and multigen living in places where it's common is totally different kettle of fish. Main difference is that each has somewhat or completely separate units so one has to take care of themselves and their "unit". You are kind of left to live and take care of your stuff and bills are shared. So you do learn tp do things for yourself as if living else unless you have super interfering parents. It's not just having bedroom in a house and someone else being there to hoover, clean kitchen and bathrooms etc, in most cases. I and many lf my friends grew up like that. GPs downstairs, us upstairs, shared hallway through the floors, separate "units". My friend's family has apartment on each floor, there are like 3 gens in one house with 3 "flats" and one studio one on ground floor.

My mil was like this with her kids - but it was 25
They all did - not easy relationships.
Mine as long as they like - but it was 19 and 21.

They are welcome to stay as long as they want and they will always have a home here. But I wouldn’t be “happy” to have them here forever because I think that would mean they weren’t living life to the full. To that end, my financial plans include saving enough to give them a hefty deposit in their early 20s.

I have really enjoyed us having the house to ourselves and not having to think about two extra people and work around them. My son has flunked out of university and I am a bit sad that he will be here all the time and I will have to worry about what he's doing all day, navigate getting him to contribute. I will, but I am just feeling tired at how much harder life will be for a while.

I definitely don't want my two living at home until they have saved a deposit, I don't understand this fetish with home ownership at all costs, surely living in crappy house shares (or sometimes even nice ones!) is just part of being young?

I think the issue is that in the past it was perfectly feasible to live in a house share AND save for a deposit at the same time. Now it's more likely that the rent takes up a larger chunk of your disposable income, and also the deposit you're saving for is higher as a percentage of your salary, so this would be a long term situation rather than a short term one.

I mean, I agree with you, I lived in house shares for 5 years between uni and buying a house and it was great fun. I wouldn't have wanted to do it forever though! These days it would take many more years to save up the equivalent amount, which is why it's tempting to live with your parents and save on rent and get there quicker.

Why does he have to rent a flat? Surely house share is the affordable option for young folk? That was certainly my expectation when I was younger. In fact I never rented alone!

Yes I would try and support them/encourage them in moving out.

Fortunately both mine went to uni and have thrived since, both working in their uni cities. One came back for a year during covid to save for a house deposit, and whilst it was nice to have the company I wouldn't want one bouncing back permanently.

I've got friends with adult dc at home (age 26+) and that's fine when they're saving for a house but these are just behaving like over grown teenagers. Gaming half the night, sleeping half the day, only working casual jobs/part time, no plans to do anything! That would seriously piss me off.

Obviously each situation is different but if they're healthy adults they should be moving on in life.

Yes mine are OK with house shares and in fact prefer it.

This shouldn't be a dichotomy :) Mine are still all under 18 so I have no idea - I would like them to have uni experience at least, but they can be still home for holidays.

I guess it will depend how we feel about them staying with us later - it might make perfect economic sense or it look like they are completely avoiding growing up.

I hope they move out when they're ready and want to, not because they feel societal pressure to do so.

If they need to go and come back again that's fine.

This 'failure to launch' is a new idea. It is tied to increased wealth, increased spending on housing and all the consumer products that can be sold to people in their homes.

In many parts of the world and throughout history multi-age living is normal, with different age groups supporting each other.

It's only fairly recently that we have become so isolated from each other and insistent on everyone having their own personal space.

It definitely has some downsides with increased conflict and unequal power meaning some individuals have little say about what happens in their home.

It has led to increased pressure for housing as multi-age living is more efficient at housing people.