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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

313 replies

CrypticElliptical · 07/09/2024 18:07

My boyfriend proposed last month, and we’re just starting wedding planning for next year. We’ll marry in his native country as it’s cheaper and he has elderly grandparents who won’t travel but who we very much want to be part of our day.

My native country is on the other side of the world. My parents will both be travelling around 30 hours to get there, as will my siblings and much younger grandparents, plus hopefully a few friends from my youth. Here’s the thing: my parents are in the middle of divorcing (after first separating little under a decade ago and then getting back together briefly). Since last year, dad’s had a new girlfriend, who I have not met. When he announced this, my mum spent over a month in tears and still has breakdowns over the idea this woman is stealing her family. (Their split was due to my dad’s infidelity, or rather, that’s the polite version). It’s toxic and I’m sympathetic to my mum but she also can’t see how her behaviour, such as telling my sibling and me all the gory details of why they’re divorcing, makes like traumatic and difficult for everyone else, and she can be volatile.

When I announced I was engaged, dad was delighted for me and said “Gloria” was looking forward to a trip to Europe and to taking him to Spain as an add-on to the holiday. But I’m leaning towards not inviting her because I want an stress-free day and I’ve never met the woman. Do I have to invite her? I get that from my dad’s perspective it’s crap to travel this far without your partner. I’m pleased for him that he’s found someone. I’d even be up for her coming to the country we’re marrying in and having dinner or something separately, I can just see all manner of hell being unleashed by my mum if she comes (plus, I just think my mum would be stressed and as mad as she is, I love her and she’s been badly hurt). Also, they won’t be paying for the wedding; I will. WWYD?

YANBU - don’t invite the GF
YABU - it’s unfair to your dad

OP posts:
Changeiscomingthisyear · 07/09/2024 18:08

How long ago did your parents split? How long has he been with his new girl friend.

Original poster
CrypticElliptical · 07/09/2024 18:09

Changeiscomingthisyear · 07/09/2024 18:08

How long ago did your parents split? How long has he been with his new girl friend.

They split for good in 2022. He and new gf have been together since end of last year.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 07/09/2024 18:10

Has mum got a new man? I assume not if she’s creating like this.

Gazelda · 07/09/2024 18:10

@Changeiscomingthisyear has asked exactly the questions I was going to ask.

Was GF the OW or has she come along since your parents' most recent separation?

ElTortilla · 07/09/2024 18:10

I think your mum should put up with this for one day. It's your wedding day and if she can't be happy for you then well...

EG94 · 07/09/2024 18:11

I don’t know which way to vote tbh but maybe a good opportunity to meet dads gf and frankly your mum needs to not be a selfish mare no matter how difficult on YOUR wedding day. What if you invited a friend she didn’t like? Do what you want to do on your day but I got a feeling if you pre warn your mum dads bringing Gloria, she will tell you if she goes I won’t and all it does it show your mum to be incredibly selfish. I don’t envy you at all, I wouldn’t let my mum dictate my life tho.

Mooneywoo · 07/09/2024 18:11

If they largely separated 10 years ago this woman isn’t stealing your mum’s family.

These sorts of things with new partners involved are always difficult but I think your mums being selfish. It’s not all about her on the day.

ElderMrs · 07/09/2024 18:11

If you've never met her then of course you don't have to invite her. I don't think I would either.

But be prepared that your dad may decline to come.

Original poster
CrypticElliptical · 07/09/2024 18:13

DustyLee123 · 07/09/2024 18:10

Has mum got a new man? I assume not if she’s creating like this.

No, and she is convinced no man will ever be with her again with the amount of baggage she has. They split over historical infidelity, when mum found out he had shagged someone very close to her (I’m simplifying and it’s very complicated, there are other people I’m torn over inviting but this is the main one)

OP posts:
heldinadream · 07/09/2024 18:13

Frankly I think it's your mother's job to grow up and behave in a civilised manner at your wedding. It's perfectly reasonable for your dad to want to bring his partner without encountering histrionics and drama.

My ex and I are not friends but at our daughter's wedding we both brought partners, we were all 4 on the same round table (no top table) and we posed together for pictures.
It's one day. And it's yours, not your mother's.

lightsandtunnels · 07/09/2024 18:14

I think your Mum is being unreasonable. It's your wedding. She is also oversharing which is not appropriate - I wonder if she's doing this to try to justify her feelings/reasoning and to make you feel bad about your Dad?

Either way, it's not good of her to make you feel like this. I would invite my Dad and his GF and would speak to both sets of parents and explain that you expect them both to behave like adults and not spoil your day.

Kelly51 · 07/09/2024 18:14

Your mother needs to change her attitude, nobody stole her family, she had a shitty husband that's he should have dumped years ago, It's your wedding and she needs to wind her neck in for a day.

MammaGisAF · 07/09/2024 18:15

be prepared that your dad may decline to come
This is what you need to consider.

Shakirasma · 07/09/2024 18:16

So by the time of the wedding they will have been together long enough to be established as a committed couple, and she had nothing whatsoever to do with your parents splitting up a number of years ago.
I think it would be very sad for your dad if his partner wasnt invited, and it sounds like it's not actually them that are the problem, it's your mum!

ScribblingPixie · 07/09/2024 18:18

I think don't invite her and have a good chat to your dad about it, saying you're looking forward to meeting his girlfriend and getting to know her separately from the wedding. It would be different if you already knew her, but at this stage she's just a plus one. You're his daughter so he should put you first and take this one on the chin, I think - even if that means deciding not to come.

GreatMistakes · 07/09/2024 18:18

If your mum wasn't laying it on so thick, would you invite her?

simpledeer · 07/09/2024 18:20

I think your mum needs to grow up to be honest.

In this situation I would probably just elope.

Original poster
CrypticElliptical · 07/09/2024 18:22

Yes. I do love her, she’s always been slightly mad but prior to this all happening had the capacity to talk about other things. She’s very deeply loving and if I can get her on the subject of literally anything else (and stop her from bringing it back to the divorce) she’s fine

OP posts:
Original poster
CrypticElliptical · 07/09/2024 18:23

simpledeer · 07/09/2024 18:20

I think your mum needs to grow up to be honest.

In this situation I would probably just elope.

I want to but understandably my fiancé’s totally blameless parents want to see us marry and the two of us have built a lovely life that we want to celebrate with our friends and family

OP posts:
SaltySeaMaiden · 07/09/2024 18:24

I was engaged for over ten years. We twice tried to plan a wedding, but there were difficulties with close relatives that I just didn't want to deal with on my wedding day. We ended up going on a six week US holiday and got married in Vegas. It was absolutely wonderful with our four year old as a flower girl. By this time, my parents were just glad I was finally doing it and didn't begrudge us at all. Together 30 years now, and still on good terms with all our relatives.

Boomer55 · 07/09/2024 18:24

Your mum is obviously still very bruised about your Dad’s long term infidelity with various people, but, hopefully, she can just nod and smile on your wedding day.

It’s just a day.

Changeyourfuckingcar · 07/09/2024 18:25

I agree with @Shakirasma I’m afraid. I have to say, I think it’s poor form to expect anyone to celebrate your relationship and your love, while disregarding theirs, particularly when it’s a very close family member. I understand that you’ve never actually met her and that would be a factor if you lived within a reasonable distance of each other but you don’t, so it’s a bit of a exceptional circumstance imo.

RedHelenB · 07/09/2024 18:28

Who would you rather risk not being there, your mum or your Dad? I get why people are saying your mum is being selfish but also your Dad would be if he didn't come because his gf who you've never met wasn't invited.
I think the idea of meeting for a separate meal with gf could work and thrn you get both parents there.

xyz111 · 07/09/2024 18:29

I think you should invite her, and your mum just needs to deal with it for your sake. You'll have to have a stern word with her beforehand so she doesn't create any drama. Your dad isn't going to change his mind and go running back to her, so she just needs to deal with it.

GRex · 07/09/2024 18:30

I think it is ok to ask your dad to consider, as long as you are clear you know this is a big ask and would arrange another event with "Gloria". This would be a good reason for a parents-only registry office and separate reception parties, but you're going to struggle to keep mum away from extra events if she's flown in.