To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

[CrypticElliptical]

My boyfriend proposed last month, and we’re just starting wedding planning for next year. We’ll marry in his native country as it’s cheaper and he has elderly grandparents who won’t travel but who we very much want to be part of our day.

My native country is on the other side of the world. My parents will both be travelling around 30 hours to get there, as will my siblings and much younger grandparents, plus hopefully a few friends from my youth. Here’s the thing: my parents are in the middle of divorcing (after first separating little under a decade ago and then getting back together briefly). Since last year, dad’s had a new girlfriend, who I have not met. When he announced this, my mum spent over a month in tears and still has breakdowns over the idea this woman is stealing her family. (Their split was due to my dad’s infidelity, or rather, that’s the polite version). It’s toxic and I’m sympathetic to my mum but she also can’t see how her behaviour, such as telling my sibling and me all the gory details of why they’re divorcing, makes like traumatic and difficult for everyone else, and she can be volatile.

When I announced I was engaged, dad was delighted for me and said “Gloria” was looking forward to a trip to Europe and to taking him to Spain as an add-on to the holiday. But I’m leaning towards not inviting her because I want an stress-free day and I’ve never met the woman. Do I have to invite her? I get that from my dad’s perspective it’s crap to travel this far without your partner. I’m pleased for him that he’s found someone. I’d even be up for her coming to the country we’re marrying in and having dinner or something separately, I can just see all manner of hell being unleashed by my mum if she comes (plus, I just think my mum would be stressed and as mad as she is, I love her and she’s been badly hurt). Also, they won’t be paying for the wedding; I will. WWYD?

YANBU - don’t invite the GF
YABU - it’s unfair to your dad

"If you've never met her then of course you don't have to invite her. "
"I think don't invite her and have a good chat to your dad about it."
"Can he travel with girlfriend, and have a really nice day with you & your fiance a few days before the wedding?"
"Don't invite gf - you've never met her. She can surely amuse herself for one day while you marry, if they book a few days away."

These and similar statements are right - it would be so hurtful for your mum and she may feel she simply cannot come - it's wrong to put her in that position. The gf should be able to understand - amusing herself for a few hours is not a bad option.

Stop stressing and do not invite your Dads GF to your wedding. You've never met the lady. Do like some have mentioned and set a date to meet her and your dad for a nice day out or weekend together, perhaps after the wedding rather than before. Your mum isn't dealing with things great but it has been a big thing for her, ultimately she is scared and hurt, she needs time. This isn't like a college relationship, it will take few years for her to find her feet again. Your wedding is not the best place for you or your mum to met this new GF for the first time nor for the second. I think it is ridiculous for anyone to suggest inviting her, given the situation. If your Dad loves you then he should be understanding. Your Dad and his GF are still fairly new anyway. I think inviting her would cause you worry on your wedding day, as it already is now. You know this and that is why you have asked for opinions. Go with your gut. Don't invite her.

Well ... your wedding, your rules.

Put the ball in their court. Tell them to sort it out and let you know who’s coming, but that you want a special, calm day with no drama.

Why would you invite someone to you're wedding you have never met?!

Poor Gloria, yes you've never met her but she's your dad's partner and hasn't done anything wrong. Where will considering your mum's feelings end OP. She's been hurt but it wasn't by Gloria. Does your mum have an issue with your dad being there or just her? If it's just Gloria, this could go on for every event.

Because it's her dad's DP and the OP lives at the other side of the world. We live at the opposite side of the world to my DH's family and quite a few partners that we hadn't met at the time came.

The correct etiquette here is for you to invite your Dad's new GF, but for her to politely decline the invitation. Then everyone is happy.

I'm fortunate enough that my stepmother had the cop on to do this when I married, but you haven't met the new GF, so the situation is tricky.

This is tough, but I wouldn't invite her.

She is a girlfriend (of not that long) that you have never even met. No, she hasn't done anything wrong but equally she isn't important enough to you that it is worth any potential fall out and upset on YOUR day.

It isn't your mums day, not your dads and definitely not his girlfriends. It's your day and assuming it is important to you to have both your mum and dad there and for the day to be lovely, that's what I would do.

There is no reason for it to stop your dad coming to your wedding, she could even come with him on the trip and you could arrange a nice dinner and meet up in the days before or after the wedding. If I was her I would understand, I would want you to like me and for us to get along as well as possible, I wouldn't want to be the cause of any stress or upset for you during your wedding.

Well - why haven't you met his girlfriend? Do you really want your fist sight of each other/meeting, to be at your wedding?

I get it, regarding your Mum. But your Dad is just as bad in that he's not ever instigated any coming together of family and girlfriend. That's on top of cheating, and then leaving your mum.

Note the 1st thing he said when you announced wedding to him was how delighted Gloria would be re holiday etc. Not congratulations, you 2 should meet, when can we meet etc

Why on earth would your Mum be happy anyway? I bet he drove her nuts, and now you're getting married he's making a statement by presenting his woman that nobody knows. All eyes on them. Your mum feeling awkward. What a scenario. He's an attention-seeker.

I'm surprised his girlfriend even wants to come tbh - in her shoes I'd sit this one out. Try to calm your mum down and sort things out. If I were you I wouldn't choose your dad over your mum, if it does come to that. I'd be ok if he declined. Who's been there, with you and for you? That is key

Had this same situation with my ex husband inviting his gf of a few months before asking our daughter if she was actually invited to her wedding. Daughter felt she had to go along with it but also knowing I would feel uncomfortable. The actual day went fine, I managed to avoid them most of the day but I felt awkward being there without a partner (not interested in having one either but most guests were coupled up). For peace of mind I left early after the cake was cut and my daughter knew I would be doing that. My way of dealing with the situation - obviously people will disapprove but it was that or have a breakdown at some point. Yes, it is all about the couple getting married but everyone is allowed to have their feelings.

Perfect response. She can absolutely still travel with them and go on holiday. Just say as you've never met her, you would rather she wasn't at the wedding itself. You could even offer to meet her for a meal before or after the wedding if she does end up travelling with him.

My friend chose her mum on her wedding day.

Told her dad he couldn't bring his AP, and he declined to come.

If your mum will be absolutely gutted on your wedding day, I would say no to your dad.

Don't people give +ones to people they don't know, all the time? Are you honestly saying you knew or had even met every single partner your relative or friend or associate (including work colleagues) brought to your wedding?

If you bothered to properly read the post. You’d have seen the OPs dad met “Gloria “ afterwards and she wasn’t the OP

Why is it seen as wrong to take sides? Or to put mum first when she wasn't the one who cheated? Why are men allowed to lie and cheat and betray and still enjoy all the privileges of family life?

In this situation I would absolutely put my mums comfort above my dad 's convenience or being polite to some women I don't know and don't care about.

He didn’t cheat with Gloria, and he’s allowed to move on after the marriage ends. He doesn’t need to wear sack cloth and ashes for ever more. And he is invited, it’s his partner, who has nothing to do with the sorry end to the marriage, who is being punished.

Perhaps because, as bad as it is that the mum was wronged, OP's dad's girlfriend is not the OW and is an innocent bystander. And there needs to be a limit to how long the OP's mum manipulates the OP. The OP has suggested her mum has played sides and even told the OP all the intimate blow by blow details - which is not something a responsible mother does. The OP's mother sounds like a self-absorbed and self-centred drama queen who manipulates and plays the OP off her and her father. Her father is a shithead for what he has done. Make NO mistake about that. But the mother sounds equally a shithead for over-involving the OP in the intimate blow-by-blow of her father and mother's sex life. OP shouldn't allow her self-absorbed, dysfunctional mother manipulate and destroy her day. It is quite obvious her mother is holding her to ransom.

I realise Gloria is an innocent party but to the mum she's just the latest in a long line of women. They may not even be together by the time the IP gets married.
Mum has conducted herself badly - sometimes people do that when they're hurt. Dad gets to do as he pleases but mum has to put a lid on all her emotions and be the grown up. She failed and I'd never say what she did was right but not everyone is able to be their best selves when hurt. I think on her daughter's wedding day, she's not unreasonable to want the dad to attend without a new woman in tow.

I don't know why both parents can't just attend their daughter's wedding by themselves and just let the day be about her.

She’s not in a line of women, the marriage is over and has been for years, and she’s not a new woman either, she needs to accept her marriage is over, and she doesn’t get to decide she needs to see him without his partner, what you suggest is so unhealthy.

Given the messy circumstances and that your parents are not actually divorced, also that Gloria is still quite new to the scene and you haven’t met her, I agree with you.

what I would do, is explain all of this to your father and let him explain it to his girlfriend. He should be sensitive and mature enough to understand your reasoning, but I’d say beware of the risk that he may not be happy / attend.

This is the first time any of them have met and it's on a really special day. It is not the right day for meeting Gloria given the history and situation.

If it was a xmas party or birthday then yeah you could consider inviting her even though it might be uncomfortable. But this is your wedding day. Its just not the right day to meet a new GF given the situation and history. If they were married then that's different. At the end of the day you haven't met the women, you already know its going to put a downer on your day for you and on your mom. At the end of the day its a new relationship that might not even exist 6 months down the line. Your moms been there from day one. Its a special day for parents too, don't let that be ruined because your dad insists on bringing his new fancy women whom is here now and possibly gone tomorrow

@Wineandcupcakes It hasn't been over for years though. I thought OP said 18 months since the last break up?

split since 2022, the ops not seen him for 18 months.