To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

[CrypticElliptical]

My boyfriend proposed last month, and we’re just starting wedding planning for next year. We’ll marry in his native country as it’s cheaper and he has elderly grandparents who won’t travel but who we very much want to be part of our day.

My native country is on the other side of the world. My parents will both be travelling around 30 hours to get there, as will my siblings and much younger grandparents, plus hopefully a few friends from my youth. Here’s the thing: my parents are in the middle of divorcing (after first separating little under a decade ago and then getting back together briefly). Since last year, dad’s had a new girlfriend, who I have not met. When he announced this, my mum spent over a month in tears and still has breakdowns over the idea this woman is stealing her family. (Their split was due to my dad’s infidelity, or rather, that’s the polite version). It’s toxic and I’m sympathetic to my mum but she also can’t see how her behaviour, such as telling my sibling and me all the gory details of why they’re divorcing, makes like traumatic and difficult for everyone else, and she can be volatile.

When I announced I was engaged, dad was delighted for me and said “Gloria” was looking forward to a trip to Europe and to taking him to Spain as an add-on to the holiday. But I’m leaning towards not inviting her because I want an stress-free day and I’ve never met the woman. Do I have to invite her? I get that from my dad’s perspective it’s crap to travel this far without your partner. I’m pleased for him that he’s found someone. I’d even be up for her coming to the country we’re marrying in and having dinner or something separately, I can just see all manner of hell being unleashed by my mum if she comes (plus, I just think my mum would be stressed and as mad as she is, I love her and she’s been badly hurt). Also, they won’t be paying for the wedding; I will. WWYD?

YANBU - don’t invite the GF
YABU - it’s unfair to your dad

You don’t have to invite the gf to the day but that doesn’t mean your dad won’t bring her on the trip to Europe anyway and just not have her attend.

Don't set yourself up for years of manipulation op. Your dm needs to accept that her life will be different in some ways.

My dm has been separated from df for 42 years.
She still acts like a woman scorned if he comes to a family event with any woman, his partner died 33 years ago.
The last event she threatened not to come if my df brought any female so I told her I'd cross her off the list.
Her change of attitude was something to behold.😃

Can he travel with girlfriend, and have a really nice day with you & your fiance a few days before the wedding, and you make a suitable fuss of meeting her, but just not have her there at the wedding? Putting someone you've never met on the 'top' table will be weird, she won't know anyone else at the other tables, and will likely be the subject of some pointing & gossip, and your Dad will presumably be busy with father-of-the-bride stuff and unable to escort her properly for a lot of the day anyway. She might have a better time doing something else, honestly.

What’s the reason you haven’t met her? Do you see your dad regularly?

I wouldn’t invite her simply because your mothers feelings are more important than your fathers new girlfriends. Your mum has a right to feel hurt and while this wedding should be all about you and your husband, don’t underestimate how important these events are to parents too.

We talk quite a bit but I’ve not seen him in person for around 18 months (not weird, just a consequence of living so far away)

This is clearly a long standing issue between your parents so your dad will most likely be aware of any potential issues with bringing a plus 1. Before you make any decisions why don't you talk to him? Perhaps Gloria doesn't think it's a good idea for her to attend or is worried about your mums reaction - in which case you don't have an issue around invites. Invites and seating plans etc will be a little while off yet so maybe just enjoy the newly engaged stage and open up some lines of communication first.

@CrypticElliptical Why not just speak to your dad and say that to keep things stress free, you won't be inviting "gloria" to the wedding, but you're sure she can find something fun to do whilst he's at the wedding.

It's one day in what I assume will be at least a 1 week holiday/

Elope and then visit your families separately for celebrations. Having a wedding with your mother and father there will be a fucking nightmare. Don't do this to yourself.

Your dad can still travel with his gf if he chooses too. Even if you don’t invite her to the wedding.

seems reasonable not to invite her if you have never met but would be unreasonable if you say she can’t travel with him.

They are on the other side of the world.

Your DM is being dra-ma-tic.

Your mum is a PITA who needs to grow up.

As you’ve not even met Gloria, and she’s only been his girlfriend under a year, I think your father should suck it up if you say, “I’m sorry but I just don’t want mum being a PITA on my wedding day, so can Gloria come over with you but sit the wedding out? Can we have dinner and meet her on x day though?”

If he can’t accept the position you’re in, he doesn’t deserve much consideration either.

I’m reluctant to pander to your mum’s nonsense with that suggestion but hey, your dad was an arsehole for cheating. So this is his consequence.

And this is why my kids think mum and (cheating) dad just grew apart 🙄

He and new gf have been together since end of last year.

Not long enough to justify the tsunami waves inviting her would involve...

Op said they had been separated for several years before divorcing. Girlfriend has been on the scene since some time last year.

Of course! For some reason I was thinking they were travelling for the wedding to future DHs country.

I would speak to your Dad and say you’re looking forward to meeting Gloria and you think it will be nice to plan a day together close to the wedding. However for the day itself you’d like to keep things simple and intimate with people you are close to.

I would send a plus one invitation but on the understanding his guest is not part of the wedding party in terms of photos etc. His gf is welcome at the celebrations but she isn't a part of the bride's family. A long term partner would be a different matter.

I wouldn’t invite her if I had not met her. She could accompany your dad and you could meet up separately but not for the actual wedding. Both she nd your Dad ought to get this. It is a family occasion And she is not part of your family.

He’s not been with her for even a year? No I don’t think I’d invite her whatever the situation.

Op, I suggest you meet Gloria and if you like her, invite her. Your parents were not together for a long time before she pitched up, she wasn't the home wrecker and is hardly going to take over the family. She's your dad's companion.

Your mum must realise people move on and that this woman is in no way to blame for her splitting from your dad.

It's up to you but inviting Gloria might make your mother realise she has nothing to fear any more. It could be cathartic.

Interesting to see the mother almost unanimously being called bitter, manipulative and immature on very little detail.

She should just put up and shut up, her feelings don't matter. Even better, she should have just put on a stoic face, and never have confided to anyone the pain the father is putting her through.

This is correct, there are three countries involved. Because it’s confusing: DFiancé and I live in U.K., I am from somewhere in Australasia, he is from Central Europe, the wedding will be in the Central European country

That's all really hard on you. I would be inclined to not invite her and let your dad decline. He was the one who cheated and appears to have destroyed the relationship. I would give first place to my mother, and later on celebrate the occasion with my dad and his new gf another time. The day would be just too awkward with everyone at the same venue.

Who's most likely to wreck your day? Probably not your dad's girlfriend. Presuming your mum's invite is a certainty though!
Can you give both your mum and dad a plus one invite? Or neither? You could cite budget constraints maybe. But the girlfriend will probably be travelling with him anyway, outside of the wedding itself. Perhaps your mum will have come to terms with things a bit more, by the time it happens.