To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

[CrypticElliptical]

My boyfriend proposed last month, and we’re just starting wedding planning for next year. We’ll marry in his native country as it’s cheaper and he has elderly grandparents who won’t travel but who we very much want to be part of our day.

My native country is on the other side of the world. My parents will both be travelling around 30 hours to get there, as will my siblings and much younger grandparents, plus hopefully a few friends from my youth. Here’s the thing: my parents are in the middle of divorcing (after first separating little under a decade ago and then getting back together briefly). Since last year, dad’s had a new girlfriend, who I have not met. When he announced this, my mum spent over a month in tears and still has breakdowns over the idea this woman is stealing her family. (Their split was due to my dad’s infidelity, or rather, that’s the polite version). It’s toxic and I’m sympathetic to my mum but she also can’t see how her behaviour, such as telling my sibling and me all the gory details of why they’re divorcing, makes like traumatic and difficult for everyone else, and she can be volatile.

When I announced I was engaged, dad was delighted for me and said “Gloria” was looking forward to a trip to Europe and to taking him to Spain as an add-on to the holiday. But I’m leaning towards not inviting her because I want an stress-free day and I’ve never met the woman. Do I have to invite her? I get that from my dad’s perspective it’s crap to travel this far without your partner. I’m pleased for him that he’s found someone. I’d even be up for her coming to the country we’re marrying in and having dinner or something separately, I can just see all manner of hell being unleashed by my mum if she comes (plus, I just think my mum would be stressed and as mad as she is, I love her and she’s been badly hurt). Also, they won’t be paying for the wedding; I will. WWYD?

YANBU - don’t invite the GF
YABU - it’s unfair to your dad

Give over. He’s been with the woman for less than nine months. The relationship is a new one. Why should OP have a random woman on her wedding pictures who she’s never met, and who will probably not even be on the scene in six months’ time? He’s a serial cheater, so it’s highly unlikely this one is for keeps. Would you put the feelings of a woman who has only been with your father for nine months over the feelings of your mother?

I simply would not invite someone I had never met to share such a significant life event.

Yes, apologies for getting that wrong. This thread is so absolutely bonkers I got carried away.

The girlfriend can travel to Europe with your dad and they can enjoy a break together. She doesn’t attend the wedding, just your dad 🤷🏼‍♀️ this is what I would do if I were your dad. So he stays for the day, the toast, then leaves in the evening? If I were the gf this is what I’d also suggest, book myself a lunch, museum, shopping, early night. They could go for a weeks holiday - it’s just one day.

Ps: Hope you enjoy your special day, you shouldn’t even be thinking about this.

This is complicated and I think you need to accept that no matter how you approach it this won’t end well, OP. One of your parents at least is highly likely to be upset no matter what you decide.

Sorry to say I have direct experience in this situation and forewarned both my parents and their respective partners to be on their absolute best behaviour on my wedding day. (Plenty of pre wedding drama)

It was a lovely destination wedding, until my DM kicked off and caused an unholy row in the evening.

She sounds a little like yours tbh. They are who they are and it’s not realistic to expect great change.

Prepare for chaos and hope for the best is all you can do. I hope it works out.

I can’t imagine risking my mum not coming to my wedding over a woman I have never met.

yes it would be nice for your dad to use the wedding to introduce her to his children - but only if there was no drama.

why haven’t you already met her?

She says the wedding is another year away. Then the gf is a 2 year gf and the mother has another year of moving on behind her so she may be more amenable to putting the one that really matters first - her daughter.

Jesus Christ I’m sure a grown man can survive a few hours without his girlfriend for the sake of his daughters wedding.

Thank god you are not my daughter !

I'd not invite her and make it clear to dad not to bring her. If things change then your invite can change. Your wedding, your way.

Problem is, what if you put your neck on the line for Gloria and upset your mother, and then your dad shags someone else and Gloria is history anyway? It’s a gamble.

I haven’t voted nor RTFT but I think you should delay inviting ‘Gloria’ as long as possible - she may be long gone by the time the wedding rolls around or your mum may have a new chap by then too, or your mum may have enough distance from the split to not care much any more/be happy without him.

You could always try and compromise by suggesting that the ceremony is for close friends and family only but she could fly out with dad, have the day to herself and join the party for the evening? By then your mum will have said hello to all the other guests and be settled and comfy in their company, so no one will be confused over who is mother of the bride and who is dad’s girlfriend.

My dad took a new girlfriend to my sister’s wedding and it was a bit awkward but me and one of my mum’s cousins were tasked with keeping dad’s gf occupied and away from mum which worked out pretty well, perhaps you have friends or family that could do similar? Making sure mum has someone to be with can be a big help (ie if no
new chap then a bestie of her choice as her +1).

I agree with this comment all day long...

TinyYellow · Today 18:34

I wouldn’t invite her simply because your mothers feelings are more important than your fathers new girlfriends. Your mum has a right to feel hurt and while this wedding should be all about you and your husband, don’t underestimate how important these events are to parents too.

And the voting is pretty clear

Agree. Dad can still bring her on the trip and just leave her at the hotel that day. She might as well get used to being alone a lot, since he'll be cheating on her soon enough, if he hasn't already.
Dad will also have to get used to there being consequences for his behaviour.

Are you getting married in a touristy place or is it somewhere quite small? Is everyone from your side likely to end up in the same hotel?
I think how easy it would be for Gloria and your dad to keep clear of your mom generally would influence my plan here.

If the gf were a decent sort she would bow out of this potential drama anyway.

She's a grown woman dating a man with an adult child he rarely sees, it's not like she's about to become your step mum, OP. I can't see why she would be that bothered about it all, doesn't sound like your Dad is a big part of your life so you likely won't be a big part of hers.
But your mum is your mum and she may well have tried to stick with your Dad to keep the family together.

I'm with you on that. It's ridiculous how unempathetic people are about betrayal trauma.
It takes years to get over and some people never do. That doesn't make them bad people.

Pretty sure it wouldn't be your father's GF causing the drama, unfortunately.

I would elope if it were me, because I would suspect that my mother, as much as I love her, would make it all about her and her drama and ruin my wedding.

His parents will survive not seeing a shit show.

OP, are you extremely young???....because a little compassion for your mother wouldn't go amiss.

Your father is cheating scum and has caused your mother endless heartache as she tried to raise a family?

Even shagging someone close to her? A good friend?

Have you really so little idea as to the carnage that can cause?

I wouldn't dream of having your fathers latest piece at your wedding.

I would spell it out to him that he comes alone, or not at all.

I would think it utterly distasteful for your father to turn up with someone.

As for having someone in photos that could be gone a month later, even tackier again.

I think your mother has been through enough with your father, it surely cannot be too much to ask for a little kindness and consideration from her own daughter the day she gets married.

THIS!

But OP is doing the invitee list now. Probably has limited places, and wonders why someone who is currently in a 9 month relationship with her DF should be invited over others she’s probably known for longer, and who she would prefer to have a place at the wedding. As it currently stands, the gf is too new to be that important within the family.

I think it's your wedding and you should invite who you want. If you think having your dad's girlfriend there is going to cause a whole lot of drama then don't invite her. Your dad may decide not to come so are you prepared for that?

Op your mother needs to grow up! My ex was an absolute pig to me for years, cheating, lying, mental abuse etc. His now wife was one of his affair partners and has behaved awfully towards myself and my children for many years, in short i hate the pair of them. However if one of my dc wants to invite their father and his wife when they get married then I would just put up and shut up because I want my dc to happy.

It sounds like your close with both parents.

Can they not all be adults for one day and put their issues aside for you for one day? In whatever that looks like for you. Either not inviting her or inviting her and your mum dealing with it. Have a open conversation with them both (separately) explaining how you feel and take it from there.

also have a long hard think about how the day looks like for you in your perfect world, think about what you want here and go in with that.

If my dad didn’t come to my wedding because I didn’t want to invite his gf of 9 months out of sensitivity to my mum, I wouldn’t think him worthy of being called my dad tbh.

Largely I need to figure out rough numbers for venue hunting and then, in the next month or so, save the dates for those travelling.

I don’t especially want to invite Gloria, I guess I just want to know if it’s somehow egregious or rude not to. I won’t be inviting her: I know it would cause issues for my mum and yes, she can be hard work, but she’s also my mum and I love her. I’m mad at my mum for constantly blowing up (she did it before all this too, but with less justification), I’m mad at my dad for creating this situation and blowing up our family, and at both of them for constantly crossing boundaries (my mum overshares, my dad tries to get me to chat to new gal on FaceTime). She will have to make do with a dinner on another day.

A few people have said I lack compassion or how could I speak to my dad: it’s an extremely hard situation to deal with on all sides. I don’t think you could be that definitive in this situation and there’s lots I can’t go into but it’s an absolute nightmare plus I have young siblings who don’t know the whole truth (nor should they) but it means including people even when it’s difficult. My mum has suffered, but frankly so have my siblings and I. There’s nothing redeeming about it. You can’t be the perfect person, you can’t trust family members to be decent or sensible. Whatever family and fuzzy goodness I thought I had, I’ve had to wave goodbye to and speak to my therapist about. And at this point I refuse to let this bullshit infect my wedding or marriage.