To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

[CrypticElliptical]

My boyfriend proposed last month, and we’re just starting wedding planning for next year. We’ll marry in his native country as it’s cheaper and he has elderly grandparents who won’t travel but who we very much want to be part of our day.

My native country is on the other side of the world. My parents will both be travelling around 30 hours to get there, as will my siblings and much younger grandparents, plus hopefully a few friends from my youth. Here’s the thing: my parents are in the middle of divorcing (after first separating little under a decade ago and then getting back together briefly). Since last year, dad’s had a new girlfriend, who I have not met. When he announced this, my mum spent over a month in tears and still has breakdowns over the idea this woman is stealing her family. (Their split was due to my dad’s infidelity, or rather, that’s the polite version). It’s toxic and I’m sympathetic to my mum but she also can’t see how her behaviour, such as telling my sibling and me all the gory details of why they’re divorcing, makes like traumatic and difficult for everyone else, and she can be volatile.

When I announced I was engaged, dad was delighted for me and said “Gloria” was looking forward to a trip to Europe and to taking him to Spain as an add-on to the holiday. But I’m leaning towards not inviting her because I want an stress-free day and I’ve never met the woman. Do I have to invite her? I get that from my dad’s perspective it’s crap to travel this far without your partner. I’m pleased for him that he’s found someone. I’d even be up for her coming to the country we’re marrying in and having dinner or something separately, I can just see all manner of hell being unleashed by my mum if she comes (plus, I just think my mum would be stressed and as mad as she is, I love her and she’s been badly hurt). Also, they won’t be paying for the wedding; I will. WWYD?

YANBU - don’t invite the GF
YABU - it’s unfair to your dad

If you're going to be worrying about your mother on the day, which would be completely understandable, then I wouldn't invite her. I think you have the right idea in suggesting that she come to the country and you can go out for a meal another day.

Don't invite gf - you've never met her. She can surely amuse herself for one day while you marry, if they book a few days away.

And if he has a problem with that, he should have considered that before he betrayed his child's mother.

Personally, I wouldn't have Gloria there. She's not family, you've never met the woman, and her presence is going to upset your mum. Reading your most recent comments about your parents separation, I can see why she'd be upset. I'd much rather have my mum be comfortable.

Dad might feel miffed not having his new girlfriend there (8 months isn't even long enough to consider her a partner in my books), but ultimately he's there to see you get married. It's not going to break his heart. Mum won't be upset and will be able to relax.

If your Dad throws a strop then it just shows what kind of man he is. Yet again. Unfaithful and willing to spoil his daughter's wedding over a stranger.

Who cares about bloody Gloria and what she thinks? She might not even be with your dad this time next year.

I wouldn’t - you don’t know her, they haven’t been together long, it will upset you and your mum etc. but be prepared that your Dad won’t go either. Harsh but true. My MIL brought her relatively new bf to our wedding - he ended up in all of the family photos etc and low and behold a few months later they’ve split - I can’t even remember his name now but have to look at him every time I open my photo book.

I was thinking this. Not sure the dad should come at all.

I think your DF is being presumptuous expecting an invite for his girlfriend.

I think my conversation would go like this

Dad, I get you want to bring Gloria but I am not sure yet if she will have an invite. Firstly this is just in the early stages, we are looking at numbers, secondly I’m not sure how mum will handle this and I don’t want my wedding to turn into a big drama about you and mum and your pasts. I will be talking to mum but I wanted you to know that the invite may just extend to you.

then

Mum, I know you and Dad have a past and things are complicated. I’ve told Dad I’m not sure if I’m inviting Gloria or not. I need to think about mine and my fiancés day. I need you to know that if I do decide to invite her, that is my decision, if you have issues with that, please talk to someone other than me about it as I just want to focus on my wedding.i will let you know when I have made my decision.

And if either of them have issues with it then I’d base my decision to invite them on this.

So your parents have been separated for 2 years , and Dad has been with new GF for less than a year. Why would he expect to bring her?

Given I’ve already posted to say I’d realised this, I’m not sure you needed to reply again.

I think it would be simpler to just say they separated in 2022!

I think I would go down the road with your Dad as, I’d love to meet Gloria but given we haven’t before and the distance, I don’t think my wedding is the right place to do that for either of us. Why not bring Gloria on the trip. We will spend the day together, go for dinner etc pre wedding and then you can travel together after the wedding.

Your mum should be over it because it’s 10 years ago, your dad sounds like a douche (cheating many times on your mum and assuming “Gloria” would be invited to the wedding before even asking you, oh the entitlement. I would only invite Gloria if I had a good relationship with her and she’s made an effort or proven to be kind to me, if not the case I wouldn’t invite her to the actual wedding and would do a separate meal with her and dad. It would be ok for dad to come to the actual ceremony.

YANBU If you don't make it clear she's not invited and she comes, it's going to really hurt your mum. I've been in her shoes and I promise it's far more painful than any words could describe. Especially when you've had DC together.

Although I'm very surprised you're even speaking to your Dad after he hurt your Mum like that 😳

Your dad might not come if she's not invited. Your mum needs to get over it. It's not her day.

Don’t invite Gloria.
A. You don’t know her (your dad had made no effort prior - wedding is nuclear choice for first meeting)
B. It will be awkward for your mum who is the #2 most impt woman there (next to you)

Gloria you can meet when she joins your dad for the exciting trip to Europe. But no no no to the wedding
She can go do some spa or something

THIS

It isn't 10 years ago. RTFT

If i were you I’d be prioritising my mum here. Your dad hasn’t been with Gloria long enough to warrant an invitation - for him to presume she’ll get one when he’s been cheating on your mum all this time suggests you (as a family) are used to sidelining your mum’s feelings.

If he's in an established relationship, particularly if they're living together, you should invite her. It's a bit mean not to, and to make him travel alone.

I'm not sure why people think the OP's Mum is the one who should deal with it rather than the OP's Dad having to deal with not having his girlfriend there for the day. It's a much bigger ask of the Mum than the Dad (he can still bring his girlfriend on the holiday, she just has to entertain herself for the day of the the wedding), and the Mum is the one who has been 'wronged' so why is she the one who has to suck it up?

Go for a meal separately with your Dad and his new girlfriend, it's not like you'll get much of a chance to actually get to know her at your wedding anyway.

I feel a bit sorry for your mum, it sounds as though your dad was serially (?) unfaithful and potentially with her sister/friend (?) so she’s bound to be upset. None of that is Gloria’s fault though. I’d invite Gloria for a day out beforehand (while they’re over in the European country) but not to the actual wedding. They might not even still be together by then.

Don't invite Gloria. She'll be in all your wedding photos and your dad may well split with her in a couple of months, especially given he has a history of being unfaithful to your mum. I would also give more consideration to your mum's feelings that your dad's. The meal out suggestion with Gloria is a good one.

I would have a cards on the table conversation with your Dad

….Mum is going to create havoc if you bring Gloria..Id like a peaceful day. Could Gloria come on the trip with you and we will all four (with your fiance) have dinner together the night before the wedding (or something) …… and then arrange a spa visit or something lovely for Gloria while the wedding is happening so she is not just abandoned during the wedding.

Then if they agree, tell your Mum that Gloria will be there but not at the ceremony/reception. If she creates after that then tell her she can suck it up with the current plan, or not attend and Gloria will be there instead.

This.

if it was a long standing relationship, that would be different. Meeting for the first time at your wedding/just before isn’t appropriate.

I wouldn’t stop her coming with him but I think a conversation needs to be had about actually attending the wedding.

However, depending on the meeting/how their relationship is next year, potentially could you keep a place available?

Due to my husband’s parents being divorced and my father dying, we decided against a traditional top table. We had a table with our bridesmaids, best man, MC and a couple of ushers. We then separated our parents out. I think both our mothers were on the same table, with various friends/relatives and my husband’s father was on a different table with friends.

I think you have to invite her, sorry.

Your parents splitting up is their issue and your mum should be able to handle being civil to your dad's GF for one day, for your sake