Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

313 replies

CrypticElliptical · 07/09/2024 18:07

My boyfriend proposed last month, and we’re just starting wedding planning for next year. We’ll marry in his native country as it’s cheaper and he has elderly grandparents who won’t travel but who we very much want to be part of our day.

My native country is on the other side of the world. My parents will both be travelling around 30 hours to get there, as will my siblings and much younger grandparents, plus hopefully a few friends from my youth. Here’s the thing: my parents are in the middle of divorcing (after first separating little under a decade ago and then getting back together briefly). Since last year, dad’s had a new girlfriend, who I have not met. When he announced this, my mum spent over a month in tears and still has breakdowns over the idea this woman is stealing her family. (Their split was due to my dad’s infidelity, or rather, that’s the polite version). It’s toxic and I’m sympathetic to my mum but she also can’t see how her behaviour, such as telling my sibling and me all the gory details of why they’re divorcing, makes like traumatic and difficult for everyone else, and she can be volatile.

When I announced I was engaged, dad was delighted for me and said “Gloria” was looking forward to a trip to Europe and to taking him to Spain as an add-on to the holiday. But I’m leaning towards not inviting her because I want an stress-free day and I’ve never met the woman. Do I have to invite her? I get that from my dad’s perspective it’s crap to travel this far without your partner. I’m pleased for him that he’s found someone. I’d even be up for her coming to the country we’re marrying in and having dinner or something separately, I can just see all manner of hell being unleashed by my mum if she comes (plus, I just think my mum would be stressed and as mad as she is, I love her and she’s been badly hurt). Also, they won’t be paying for the wedding; I will. WWYD?

YANBU - don’t invite the GF
YABU - it’s unfair to your dad

OP posts:
HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 07/09/2024 18:51

If you do invite her, maybe don't include her in the family photos. (Of course she'd need to be in any photos of all the guests.)

Honestyy · 07/09/2024 18:52

She's not family or a friend. Don't invite her. She'll ruin the vibe at the wedding and you'll also have to fork out on expensive meals for her.

Just4thisthreadtoday · 07/09/2024 18:53

FawnFrenchieMum · 07/09/2024 18:32

What’s the reason you haven’t met her? Do you see your dad regularly?

@FawnFrenchieMum

Given, as she said in her OP, her Dad lives in her native country & will be travelling 30 hours to get to her wedding, it's pretty much a given she doesn't get to see him regularly.

CallMeFlo · 07/09/2024 18:54

I think your mum is being very unfair. I bet she'd feel differently if she had a plus one. If you give in this time, what happens several years down the line when you're having a christening or a big birthday, basically any family event is she going to demand your Dads GF isn't invited then?

They're divorced. Your Dad has moved on, and hard tho that may be she has to accept that & be adult enough to put her feelings aside for the wedding

Topsysmum24 · 07/09/2024 18:54

I was leaning to the "don't invite her" side but actually, she's done nothing wrong. Your parents have been separated for 2 years now and by the time the wedding comes around, it will be more like 3 years. No, tell your mum to grow up!

It's not fair on you, it's your day. It puts you in a difficult position with Gloria. You haven't met her before but you'd already be treating her like the "other woman" even though she's done nothing wrong. She shouldn't have to tiptoe around.

I'd have more sympathy if the break up was more recent. If she's genuinely not being awkward and is really struggling to deal with it, she needs to take responsibility for herself and have therapy. She's got more than enough time to have therapy to deal with her issues and to work in moving on with her life. By the time of the wedding, she might have a new partner herself!

jannier · 07/09/2024 18:55

If they separated 10 years ago but it didn't involve this woman your mum needs to put her feelings to one side. I'd talk to your dad about it first he may agree to her not attending the day to keep the peace but I wouldn't be happy with my mum making it about her.

Original poster
CrypticElliptical · 07/09/2024 18:55

SaturdayFive · 07/09/2024 18:51

Who's most likely to wreck your day? Probably not your dad's girlfriend. Presuming your mum's invite is a certainty though!
Can you give both your mum and dad a plus one invite? Or neither? You could cite budget constraints maybe. But the girlfriend will probably be travelling with him anyway, outside of the wedding itself. Perhaps your mum will have come to terms with things a bit more, by the time it happens.

I considered letting my mum bring a friend as I know and like several of her friends, but it might just complicate the issue. I have a huge family and to just invite parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts & uncles and cousins on my side is nearly 50. It’s a separate stress tbh but I’m hoping my lot will top out at 25ish because people won’t travel. Hoping…

OP posts:
TheRubyCat · 07/09/2024 18:55

Would you do the same thing if it was the other way around and your mum had a new fella and you thought it would cause problems for your dad?

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 07/09/2024 18:56

Can you have an adult conversation with both your parents and tell them that they will both be expected to be civil at your wedding, your dad's gf will not be invited as you haven't met her and you don't want any drama at your wedding. If they can't agree to that, neither of them are invited. It's one day, they can survive being civil for your sake.

ISeriouslyDoubtIt · 07/09/2024 18:57

YANBU not to invite your Dad's gf. She's only been with him for 8 months or so, she's not an established partner, I'm very surprised your father would even expect her to be invited. Why would you even want to invite her if it meant that your mother is going to be extremely upset on what should be one of the happiest days of her life.
It's not like this woman has been with your dad for years and years and you've met her and like her, she's effectively just a random plus one, the relationship may not even last as they've only been together a few months.
If she came you'd have the awkwardness of her not knowing anyone, where would you sit her, assuming you'll arrive with your father, where would she be, she couldn't possibly sit on the top table because that would be even more awful for your mother so where would she sit. So much less stressful for you just to not invite her at all.
I'm sorry if this sounds rude but I imagine that as your father was repeatedly unfaithful he is a selfish man and has given no thought at all to the consequences of bringing this woman to your wedding. I think you should tell him that as things stand it's too upsetting all round and therefore she won't be invited.

Original poster
CrypticElliptical · 07/09/2024 18:57

jannier · 07/09/2024 18:55

If they separated 10 years ago but it didn't involve this woman your mum needs to put her feelings to one side. I'd talk to your dad about it first he may agree to her not attending the day to keep the peace but I wouldn't be happy with my mum making it about her.

agree but they’ve not been separated all that time. They got back together at least twice, including for over 3-4 years. I think the total separation time before 2022 was like maybe a year/18 months if you added it up.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrypticElliptical · 07/09/2024 18:57

TheRubyCat · 07/09/2024 18:55

Would you do the same thing if it was the other way around and your mum had a new fella and you thought it would cause problems for your dad?

Yes

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 07/09/2024 19:00

Would your dad to be the type if you talk to him that perhaps Gloria could come with him but not be attend the wedding. Perhaps have meal with them the day before or after

MzHz · 07/09/2024 19:01

CrypticElliptical · 07/09/2024 18:22

Yes. I do love her, she’s always been slightly mad but prior to this all happening had the capacity to talk about other things. She’s very deeply loving and if I can get her on the subject of literally anything else (and stop her from bringing it back to the divorce) she’s fine

Invite your dad and his partner, leave the ones out who really don’t need to be there

your mum is a bit bonkers (you say) and making YOUR wedding all about her. If she’s so triggered she doesn’t have to be there. Invite her, invite him, tell them all to be grown up about it or not bother to attend

Be strong on this and very clear.

this is your day, not theirs

you’re in danger of her holding you to ransom- be up front and factual and tell her youre not pandering to anyone here. You want your dad there, he comes with a partner who wants to be at your wedding.

thicklysettled · 07/09/2024 19:05

Oldseagull · 07/09/2024 18:49

Interesting to see the mother almost unanimously being called bitter, manipulative and immature on very little detail.

She should just put up and shut up, her feelings don't matter. Even better, she should have just put on a stoic face, and never have confided to anyone the pain the father is putting her through.

While I agree that mum is obviously very pained, and those feelings should be respected, it's wholly inappropriate for a parent to discuss their marital problems with the children of that marriage. That's what friends and therapists are for. Unloading on the kids about the details can be more damaging than the split itself.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/09/2024 19:05

I think it's your wedding, invite who you feel you want to be there.

You say you've never met the new GF? Is there any other significant others you've never met who you would be inviting? Or could you limit it to people you know only without it looking like it's just her excluded?

TonTonMacoute · 07/09/2024 19:06

I think you need to talk to your dad and raise with him the possibility of him not bringing his GF to the actual wedding.

Say you will be happy to meet here perhaps have a meal out with them and your DH to be, but that you think it would be best if she didn't come.

See what he says.

Vabenejulio · 07/09/2024 19:08

I think Gloria, as a grown woman entering a relationship with a man with adult children and history, should offer to stay away from the wedding if it causes any problems for her boyfriend or his child. THAT is the right thing to do. Not the dad insisting on bringing his girlfriend of less than a year; not the mum having a panic attack and thinking of nobody for herself; not the bride having the choose.

AnnieMcFanny · 07/09/2024 19:08

Im surprised that your dad’s girlfriend is being referred to as his partner in some of the posts. They’ve been together 9 months if that and its way to soon to be a partner.

Should Gloria be at your wedding? I think it’s way too soon for her to be your fathers plus one at any family get together and perhaps the way forward is to say let’s see how the land is lying closer to the time dad.

And if Gloria is still around for the wedding. No. I wouldn’t do that to my mum who’s had enough to put up with over the years with his antics.

Branleuse · 07/09/2024 19:08

I would not invite your dads girlfriend. I wouldn't do that to my mum

Tandora · 07/09/2024 19:09

God I’d never do that to my mum!

Just4thisthreadtoday · 07/09/2024 19:09

@CrypticElliptical families eh!

How do you think your mum will behave if your Dad is there on his own? Will she behave or still create a scene?

it's so hard to know what to do without knowing the people involved, but just from what you've said I think I'd invite both parents as you have, and a friend/family member to keep your Mum in her box.

id explain to your Dad that thst will be hard enough without him bringing Gloria (surely he'll understand that? But say you really want to meet her and are sorry that you can't invite her, but just can't take the drama it would cause & that the 4 of you can have some time together on other days.

as a new partner in this situation I'd understand that and in your Dads position I'd understand it & want you to as least stressed as possible.

As for the other complications, best of luck with that.

redtrain123 · 07/09/2024 19:11

I think family come first. You need to bc speak to your dad and clarify the situation.

Thistooshallpass24 · 07/09/2024 19:17

Your day ( you and partner obviously) Your rules
Your invites
Wedding cause so much stress!
Attendees can either be there and be happy for you or not bother.

wordler · 07/09/2024 19:20

I'd talk to your Dad - let him know that numbers are tight and it's also a very sensitive situation to have his new girlfriend there. You could also point out that it might be awkward to have such a new partner involved in a big family occasion, and that it would be a shame to start your relationship with Gloria on a bad note.

I would suggest that Gloria comes with your Dad for the trip and you and your fiance meet her and get to know her with a nice meal just the four of you before or after the wedding day. Gloria sits out the wedding celebrations.