To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

[CrypticElliptical]

My boyfriend proposed last month, and we’re just starting wedding planning for next year. We’ll marry in his native country as it’s cheaper and he has elderly grandparents who won’t travel but who we very much want to be part of our day.

My native country is on the other side of the world. My parents will both be travelling around 30 hours to get there, as will my siblings and much younger grandparents, plus hopefully a few friends from my youth. Here’s the thing: my parents are in the middle of divorcing (after first separating little under a decade ago and then getting back together briefly). Since last year, dad’s had a new girlfriend, who I have not met. When he announced this, my mum spent over a month in tears and still has breakdowns over the idea this woman is stealing her family. (Their split was due to my dad’s infidelity, or rather, that’s the polite version). It’s toxic and I’m sympathetic to my mum but she also can’t see how her behaviour, such as telling my sibling and me all the gory details of why they’re divorcing, makes like traumatic and difficult for everyone else, and she can be volatile.

When I announced I was engaged, dad was delighted for me and said “Gloria” was looking forward to a trip to Europe and to taking him to Spain as an add-on to the holiday. But I’m leaning towards not inviting her because I want an stress-free day and I’ve never met the woman. Do I have to invite her? I get that from my dad’s perspective it’s crap to travel this far without your partner. I’m pleased for him that he’s found someone. I’d even be up for her coming to the country we’re marrying in and having dinner or something separately, I can just see all manner of hell being unleashed by my mum if she comes (plus, I just think my mum would be stressed and as mad as she is, I love her and she’s been badly hurt). Also, they won’t be paying for the wedding; I will. WWYD?

YANBU - don’t invite the GF
YABU - it’s unfair to your dad

Wow, you sound so unsympathetic.
I imagine you have been lucky enough to have not experienced the pain and trauma of infidelity.

I can completely understand how bitter and upset your mum must feel.

However, it's really poor form for her to make a big fuss about what her ex is doing with his life. It's over. He's moved on and she needs to too.

I'd say tell her she needs to suck it up, put a smile on her face and play nice - for everyone's sake but especially yours, on your wedding day. But I suspect she would not fall into line.

It's incredibly selfish to bitch to your children - however old they are - about their father. No kid of any age wants to hear this. Maybe this is the time to have a frank talk with her about the whole thing. The wedding has brought this to the fore but the issue is that she needs to bitch and complain to her girlfriends and therapist and not whine to you.

@CrypticElliptical Have you made a final decision yet?
How long have you got until you need to?

I disagree.

Actually, I have experienced infidelity. Which is why I know that the way the mother acted is vile, selfish and unfair to her poor daughter. I feel sorry you think giving your daughter a blow by blow sexual account of what her father did is in any way even remotely appropriate. The mother being a victim does not mean she gets to traumatise her own daughter and then make demands.

Well then that changes things. I think then the issue is that her mum is still in love with her ex husband and so will hate any woman who gets with him. I think that to make things easy for her daughter she should just swallow her feelings for one day and just avoid him if she can't be around him. A very contrasting response to my previous reply but then I didn't realise that Gloria was someone he met after they broke up.

GF has barely been in his life and never bore any relevance in your life/upbringing.

I would politely explain to the GF(not your dad) that you cannot upset your mother. I am sure she would understand. Perhaps you can have a separate celebration with her and your dad after you are wed.

I couldn't do it to my mum.

The weddings not till next year, at which point she will be a signficant other. And why would it be ok the mum gets upset the father has moved on. They are split. The man’s entitled to have a new partner, without his ex wife taking issue, good lord,

There are ways to split up though, which are respectful and ways which aren't. Mum's issue is that dad has had a string of new partners, throughout the marriage and they have got back together, split up repeatedly. To mum, him turning up with another woman is just rubbing salt in the wound, even if this is a permanent break up and even if technically he has the 'right' to move on.
Idk, I just wouldn't want all this background noise going on at my wedding.
If you take away the rights and wrongs, surely the aim is to have as drama free day as possible, with focus on the bride and groom - the easiest way to achieve that is no plus ones, just mum and dad

As you have never met your Dad’s latest girlfriend, I presume he has made no effort for you to do so. Therefore, no need to invite her to wedding but arrange to meet to get to know her at a later date. Causing an upset for your Mum will only spoil your and her special day as your Dad is the cheating partner NOT mum who deserves a little loyalty, support and thanks.

I didn't say he couldn't move on, but that's not the issue the OP has. She wants to consider her mother's feelings which I personally think is right.
This is a day that the parents have probably imagined before where the ideal would be that her parents are still together. I could see how the mother would feel embarassed. And possibly the situation would be different if both had respective partners to bring.
I also think that if you invited dad's partner that she would be in the pictures, she would be at the top table?!
I would have a huge problem with that and would find it easier to not invite her. She is after all a grown woman and can respect the OP's feelings.

The father here has shown himself to be a selfish dick with no thought for other people's feelings but maybe Gloria has a bit more empathy & would actually be fine to not go leaving this particular special day to the bride's parents.
She hasn't met the bride so maybe she's not that bothered about going to the wedding anyway.

This is quite a new relationship and your mum's upset. Not a recipe for a happy time, to invite Gloria.
Why not invite your dad on his own but invite him to bring Gloria to stay with you later in the year, to get to know her properly.
BTW, it was pushy of him to make a point of saying he was assuming she's invited.