To not invite dad’s GF to my wedding?

[CrypticElliptical]

My boyfriend proposed last month, and we’re just starting wedding planning for next year. We’ll marry in his native country as it’s cheaper and he has elderly grandparents who won’t travel but who we very much want to be part of our day.

My native country is on the other side of the world. My parents will both be travelling around 30 hours to get there, as will my siblings and much younger grandparents, plus hopefully a few friends from my youth. Here’s the thing: my parents are in the middle of divorcing (after first separating little under a decade ago and then getting back together briefly). Since last year, dad’s had a new girlfriend, who I have not met. When he announced this, my mum spent over a month in tears and still has breakdowns over the idea this woman is stealing her family. (Their split was due to my dad’s infidelity, or rather, that’s the polite version). It’s toxic and I’m sympathetic to my mum but she also can’t see how her behaviour, such as telling my sibling and me all the gory details of why they’re divorcing, makes like traumatic and difficult for everyone else, and she can be volatile.

When I announced I was engaged, dad was delighted for me and said “Gloria” was looking forward to a trip to Europe and to taking him to Spain as an add-on to the holiday. But I’m leaning towards not inviting her because I want an stress-free day and I’ve never met the woman. Do I have to invite her? I get that from my dad’s perspective it’s crap to travel this far without your partner. I’m pleased for him that he’s found someone. I’d even be up for her coming to the country we’re marrying in and having dinner or something separately, I can just see all manner of hell being unleashed by my mum if she comes (plus, I just think my mum would be stressed and as mad as she is, I love her and she’s been badly hurt). Also, they won’t be paying for the wedding; I will. WWYD?

YANBU - don’t invite the GF
YABU - it’s unfair to your dad

Given your update about your parents getting back together a few times after the initial split and the most recent being a couple of years ago, does your Mother think another reconciliation is on the cards?

Personally, I wouldn't invite the girlfriend. As Father of the bride he won't have much time to spend with his girlfriend. Not inviting someone you have never met eliminates enormous amounts of stress. You won't having to worry about your mum getting upset, all eyes rubber necking the new girlfriend and everyone waiting to see if a big drama will unfold.

Ensure that Dad has someone there? Family member/family friend same as you would for your mum. Your wedding is not the place for his girlfriend's debut. Explain the situation now, it's not personal but it's your wedding

I would not invite 'Gloria' but meet her separately.

Well you're still speaking to your dad and want him there even though you don't see him?

I'd be frank with dad and say mum is still going up the wall with the divorce, so for both your sakes it's best that she doesn't attend the wedding itself and we meet her on another occasion.

As the girlfriend I wouldn't want to be involved in a drama that could spoil your special day.

This happened in our family. Siblings wedding and asked dad not to bring GF. It was the affair partner and was about 2 years after split. Mum wouldn't have managed the wedding with her there. Dad refused to go to the wedding. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think it is beyond selfish of your DF to think to right time to introduce you to his gf is your wedding day? Nope. It is one day, for you. He can come along, smile, be supportive to you and polite to your mother. You can meet the gf another time.

It’s more a distance thing. I only see my mum in the flesh about once a year as well — because she has visited me in the UK. But we speak at least weekly.

It’s not even a proper established relationship. They’ve been together less than a year. Could be history by the end of this year - would you want some random girlfriend of your fathers on the wedding pictures for evermore? Someone whose name you might not remember in five years’ time? Had they been together two years or more, it’s different, but not after such a brief relationship.

I wouldn't want anyone at my wedding that neither of us know, never mind someone whose presence could cause upset, a bad atmosphere or more worrying about how the day will go.

You don't have to invite her. The wedding will be one day in a (by the sounds of it) longer trip they are planning. I think it's a good idea to do as you suggested and arrange to meet up, but not at the wedding. That is, unless she was having an affair with Dad while he was still with Mum - then I wouldn't bother meeting er at all.

Well Gloria can travel with him for a holiday but probably should sit out the wedding. It's too much.
If you want to meet her during the holiday then fine, but should probably should just be part of a holiday rather than part of the wedding.

Normally I'm laid back about these things but in this case I would advise not inviting Gloria. I mean, a girlfriend of only a year? Come on. That's short-term, not an established social unit.

Tell you father you don't want a stranger at your wedding, which is going to be fraught enough with divorced parents and other tensions. You want to have a happy day, not worried about others' relationships.

If he balks at this, it will say a lot about him. A decent man would go out of his way to fulfill a reasonable request. If Gloria accompanies him on the journey, she can find something else to do that day.

I feel for you; what a shit situation to be dealing with. Makes dashing off to elope sound pretty good.

I think I'd send an email with them both copied in. Explain the predicament that you're in, how you'd like both of your parents to attend (Dad with girlfriend) and hope that they can be civil to each other for one day. Explain that this gives them time to think about whether they can all cope with this because you love them both equally and would hate to have to choose. It might go wrong but it also might make them both think. If they both don't come that will then be their decision and not a decision that you have made that they can hold against you going forward.

I thinks it’s a really easy decision. Tell your dad Gloria is not invited. He’s not even been with her a year and it’s your day and you don’t want drama. Tell him your mum hasn’t been able to move on as easily as him (I presume this won’t come as a surprise to him) and you don’t want to have to worry about an upset mum on your wedding day. It would make you happy to have a calm pleasant parental situation on your special day.
Say you’d love to meet Gloria separately but this is a diplomacy decision. Then ask him to give you away to cheer him up a bit😁

FGS, I can't believe all the male apologists on this thread showing so much sympathy to your father who has behaved like a complete shit frankly.
And I can't believe you are even asking what you should do! Of course you shouldn't invite a gf you have never met when you know how upset your own mother will be!
And all those people saying your mum should "grow up" - well maybe your feckless, unfaithful father could grow up and survive one day without his latest woman. Bloody hell!

What about her father's feelings too?

You know, her other parent, who isn't being a drama llama .

Of course he’s not being a drama llama, life’s worked out pretty nicely for him after all his shagging about.

The wedding is next year. By the time the invitations go out Gloria will be a girlfriend of 2 years . What's the cut off point? At what point can Mum reasonably be told Dad' gf is coming too?

They split 10 years ago. At some stage Mum decided it didn't matter and took him back.

So your mum is losing the plot about ht GF coming, but will be fine if it's just the actual cheat himself? This doesn't even make any sense - surely she doesn't want to see him either?

I think she needs to grow up and be nice for your sake for your wedding. It's just a day. It's horrible to have been through all this, but she stayed with him, and regardless, you can't expect your DC to have to choose sides

Read the thread - it's not ten years, they got back together!

The irony telling me to read the thread when you haven't read my very short comment properly.

They got back together because she had a nervous breakdown and they had school aged children to take care of, I don’t think she wanted to as such

Omg, what rubbish people are spouting on here!
The mum knows the dad should be there because he is the father of the child getting married - much as she probably dreads seeing him.
But of course she doesn't want to see his latest gf who probably won't last the course given his history.
Why is it all the mum's fault and the cheating father is to be sympathised with??

God OP, do you really want to deal with your mum breaking down on your wedding day? Maybe in an ideal world she would be more resilient but she’s not, she sounds fragile. Your dad has caused a lot of hurt, he needs to accept his role in that and suck this one up.

I think both of your parents sound quite immature OP. I’d ask them to both discuss this with each other and agree how they are going to handle this because you don’t want either party wrecking your wedding day. If they both want to come they both have to take some personal responsibility.

Sympathies, OP. I almost didn’t get married just to avoid all this!

What’s your dad like - will he be reasonable and understand, once you talk it over with him? Or will he be of the ‘don’t disrespect my partner’ type?

I think you just need to appeal to him on a personal level. Say you understand it’s an unfortunate position to put him in, to not invite his partner, but he must appreciate that - as they were together so long and it is so contentious now - that your mum would take it very badly and could ruin your day and the run-up to it. I’d try to meet his partner before the wedding, if at all possible - but appreciate this may not be doable.

You need to appeal to his chivalrous sense that he must disinvite his partner for his daughter’s sake - rather than activate any ‘I am due parental respect and therefore so is my partner’ instinct by telling him ‘no’.