AIBU to wonder if it’s the done thing when people share their kids ‘big’ achievements online?

[tricerotopsrule]

Just wondering how people generally perceive social media posts or messages from people who post about their kids? Eg, big sports achievements, great exam results, getting a new job, passing a driving test, anything where they did really well really. Some things seem to come across as more acceptable than others eg it seems somehow more acceptable to post about sports achievements but not with exam results. Eg I barely saw any posts about school kids exam results even though I know loads of friends whose kids did well. But I often see football and gymnastics posts etc where competitions have been won etc.

Just wondering how people generally perceive these posts- being a very proud parent or would you see it as being boastful / smug / insensitive?

I agree. I think it's fine to say you're very proud of your child's efforts. That could apply to any child whatever their grades. But very naff to list their actual performance. Not only does it sound like boasting but it also could make other people feel bad in comparison.

I have a very closed Facebook to people I see, and post my daughters dance competition results. Half my friends are from dance and are on there doing the same. Not every comp but big ones / big results.

It may come across as boastful to some but I think maybe being so surrounded by it and people who do it, and most of my Facebook being family and dancers, I'm in a bubble where it is normal and actually expected. I have been asked where the post comp post is before when I haven't done it.

I dislike it preferring to keep my child’s info private. I also dislike it as it is so biased.
My son was tormented by a child in his class for about 12-16 months and with our support he got through it without having to stoop to the child’s level. Other child’s parents thought their son could do not wrong.
I regularly see posts about how wonderful this child is from his mother blah blah blah blah blah knowing that in a class of 13 boys this child went from friends with all of them to only 2 due to his poor mean behaviour. Yet online his mother paints a picture of him being marvellous. It just reiterates to me the falseness of these things.

Why do you have this woman on your social media?

I don’t but somehow I see other people I know commenting on her links. It is weird as she may be doing it on a daily basis but occasionally someone I know from years back will comment and I will see it. It reminds me not to believe what you see online. It doesn’t annoy me - more I pity her child who is not being brought up with the right direction from parents and how damaging parents can be.

I’ve never done this. The people who are important in the children’s lives will know, and that’s all that’s needed.

I think 10 plus years ago it use to be much more common but I'd say most of my friends and family are all posting significantly less and definitely not about kids achievement unless it's really out there.

I've a friend whose son is progressing quite high up in his specific sport, and sponsored by companies. The posts are very much aimed at thanking them for the support and I've no problem with that, effectively the publicity is why they get sponsored.

That’s weird, must be to do with people’s settings.

I see it as odious and really insensitive. And the people who do it lack social awareness. They are basically saying, look what great children I have produced. It is very navel-gazing.

The only thing it really achieves is turning your peers into potential competitive green eyed monsters or making them feel sad that their offspring are not as successful.

@Morningcrows They are basically saying, look what great children I have produced.
That is precisely what we are saying. Why shouldn’t we?

turning your peers into potential competitive green eyed monsters
That sounds more like a “them” problem.

feel sad that their offspring are not as successful.
Every child has something to be celebrated for. If a parent can’t see their own child’s successes through all the green blocking their vision, that’s something they need to deal with.

I’d be mortified and feel like people might think she was bragging and that people would be rolling their eyes. I just find it a strange thing to do. I do a sport but she never posts when I achieve something, thank goodness. In fairness, my mum doesn’t post anything other than share an occasional link about something.
A friend does the same sport and her mum posts constantly with her results and achievements in it and honestly, I cringe a bit. It feels like ‘look how amazing my adult daughter is’.

It’s just how I was brought up I suppose. Achievements are great, but no-one outside of immediate family really cares do they?

I don't know the exam results of any of my friend's kids or my kid's friends - it is totally not the done thing to mention it beyond they got enough to get them through to the next stage.
Sil posted about her ds starting a new job - and there was general agreement amongst the cousins that the post was unneeded and a bit cringe - times have indeed changed and it's driven by the new generation.

That says more about your friendship group.

I'm as proud for my friends of their kids getting 8 and 9's at GCSEs and As at a level (ds was never going to however hard he worked) as they are for him when he represents the country in his sport.

People are unique. Celebrate their personal successes. But don't compare.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

One of the busiest responses I've seen to a SM post lately was my friend showing her 10yo with CP taking 5 steps independently.

We were all so proud. I'm glad she shared and I'm glad I got to share my pride of what her DD has achieved.

Yes generally I ask "did they get the college course/ uni they wanted".

Most people don't share actual results but they'll share they did well and got X place they wanted.

Some people will volunteer the grades face to face but I'd never ask. But I don't mind if people post the results. I like when people celebrate what they've achieved.

I find it so sad so many see achievements as bragging.

I used to be one of those parents because we live far away from two sets of grandparents. Then my teenage DD asked if I could stop as she was embarrassed (asked if she could be removed on all SM). I agreed. Then her brother (DS) a few months later asked the same thing.
I still send photos to their grandparents but keep everything off SM as they've asked (and inform family members of the same thing now). My 14 Yr old had to talk to her Grandma about consent and social media as every time she would come to our house she would take photos (some while DD was mid eating) and post them online to show her followers how involved she is with her grandchildren. She would then get huffy if we asked them to be removed.

I also stupidly didn't realise having my DD achievements online was making some of the other parents feel like shit until I was in a parent forum at the school when one mum said "well you have nothing to worry about, your kid is doing fine with all her grades". It was presenting her in a way that made people presume she was some stellar student and she was under a lot of pressure. I didn't want that for her (or those parents). My son was also being compared to his sister ("oh I see he hasn't scored as well as L has, that's a shame").

Definitely not worth it.

Thanks everyone for the comments, I didn't expect so many!! Lots of food for thought and I can totally see both sides.

For context (and I think I didn't post the details before out of fear of being seen as 'braggy' even though I'm immensely proud of my DS.) He has just found out he's won the Dux award at school for the highest in senior school, he put so much work into studying, he's at a state school and he did it all himself, no tutors and didn't even want us to help him study. He consistently studied well over months and he's over the moon and amazed he got the Dux. The school will post it on Twitter at the Prize Giving and I wondered about sharing that post, but then wondered how this might be perceived.

I am quite sad that beaming with pride for your child and sharing this pride is such a no no in some peoples eyes though. Especially for academic work. It's almost like it should be hidden and shouldn't be celebrated. We are obv celebrating at home but I've told no other parents and no parents have contacted me (I assume they probably know from their own kids, DS's pals). I can see that getting achievements might make others feel they've not achieved the same but also it's a real shame we then tip toe around great achievements in case we upset anyone too.

I'll have a think and obv ask DS too as he may not want me to post about it but I was genuinely curious as to how things like this are perceived. I'd be interested to hear any more comments now that I've given some context too.

Thank you all!

Op be proud, tell his grandparents, tell his aunts and uncles. Take him out, congratulate him.

but don’t put it on the internet. Why do you need that validation? Why will your son only know you are proud of him if you post it on the internet.

to be honest no one else really cares about this in the way you and your immediate family do. They will smile and say nice job. But it’s really only a big thing to the people who love him. They will be as proud as punch. The general public, people who know you but not your son, his friends parents etc etc don’t need to be part of this

@tricerotopsrule By all means share the news, anyone that is not happy for him shouldn't be on your social media anyway so if they remove themselves good riddance, people you share things with should be happy for you so I wouldn't worry about upsetting anyone.

I have just seen you are surprised no parents have contacted you. I think this is an example of something being huge for you and only mildly interesting to others.

it’s a great achievement - it’s a school prize. You should be proud - but I don’t think it’s on a level that people would be contacting you (aside from proud grandparents).

my niece’s friend just got a scholarship to an Ivy League university in America. It’s great for her - I work with her dad. There has been nothing on the internet - and if I bump into him I will say congratulations.

I think you have gotten carried away with your own pride. Which is lovely. But most people won’t have even heard of a dux.

I've told no other parents and no parents have contacted me (I assume they probably know from their own kids, DS's pals).

Well firstly congratulations to your son, for his achievement, he's done very well and it's understandable that as his parent you feel proud.

I'm sorry though, but your above statement is strange. It would be rare for parents to get in contact to congratulate...it's just not the done thing.

I did exceptionally well as a young person (national achievements, several offers of international full scholarships on programmes that only accepted 10-15 students worldwide, becoming a "champion" in my field). My parents, immediate family and closest friends made a little fuss but other than that friends' parents, acquaintances etc would only say "oh by the way, I saw the story in the paper about you, well done" in passing at the most. No one went out of their way to get in contact and that was perfectly normal. The achievements themselves were good news enough, I didn't need or want any more recognition than that and, if I'm honest, found any extra fuss embarrassing. I hated being in the newspaper (but school/hobbies saw it as good publicity for them) and am relieved that social media wasn't as prolific back then as it is now.

People don't get in contact generally when students are made Head Boy/Girl, get Oxbridge/Ivy League Offers or a place on the National Rugby team...it's nothing to do with jealousy or "bitterness" or "feeling bad about their own/child's achievements " as other people have suggested on this thread...it's just simply not a big deal in their own lives. Sort of like a colleague's wedding anniversary or a niece/nephew's baptism, nice but people have a lot on and wouldn't think to make an effort to get in touch to make a fuss. They presume the parents and immediate loved ones are celebrating and, ordinarily, that would be enough for the vast majority of people.

I think "he did it all himself, no tutors and didn't even want us to help him study " and "no parents have contacted me" I think the first quote explains the second one. He has achieved this all by himself, why do you want other parents to contact you with congratulations when you haven't done the work? This is the point of why it makes no sense to "celebrate" him on your SM, it's only because you want attention because of your son's achievement.

Your 2nd paragraph sums it up really well. I think the importance placed on school results adds to this too. The same importance isn't widely placed on sport / music / drama / etc so there's less "shame" associated with not doing well at those. (Shame maybe isn't the right word and I don't for a second believe someone should feel ashamed for not doing well in exams!)

Lots of shame can be felt on sports day if you have been forced to enter an event - someone has to come last. Not only that but the whole school and parents watch you come last - horrible!

Share the post!!!

I've shared many posts by his swim club and British swimming where he features.

Your own personal post is only sharing closely a post that's been posted to a massive wider audience.

Well done your DS - he should be proud of his achievement

Young children aren't on Facebook so won't even know. All you are doing is sharing their information without their consent to get attention for yourself.

If you want to celebrate their achievements celebrate with your child! And close family and friends. No one else cares anyway