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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

267 replies

Calmondeck · 07/09/2024 06:35

Im wavering between thinking this is none of my business… but can’t shake deep misgivings about a friend’s relationship. Does this story give you red flags too?

Friend and I had our first children at the same time so our now 3 yr olds are close buddies. She went through rounds of IVF w donor sperm to have her much wanted only child.

When her child was 18 months old she was swept off her feet by a twice divorced man with kids from both marriages. He doesn’t want to be a father again so has little to do with her child. However, he’s very insistent he has ‘adult time’ with my friend, including whisking her away for a 12 night overseas trip, which happened to coincide with the child’s first ever week of pre-school.

The child is currently in the care of a nanny, who is navigating the first weeks of pre-school alone. The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.

The child has started asking me for hugs and counting down sleeps until her mum is back. Meanwhile I’m getting holiday pics raving about joys of child free life.

My worry is - the man is moving in after this trip, the nanny is moving out. Would it be friendship ending to voice my misgivings to my friend?

AiBU - solo parents deserve their own space and holidays, the child will be fine, family dynamics change, MYOB?

OP posts:
EnterFunnyNameHere · 07/09/2024 06:56

I think it's fair enough you're concerned, it sounds like the child's needs are not top of your friends list at present. I also don't know any of my parent friends who would have left their child for so long, especially at that age. I think it's unfair you're making this about the man's behaviour though. He might have been the trigger, but this issue is your friend being so wrapped up in her great new love story that she's not prioritising the needs of her child. In her defence, it's only what tonnes of men have done before - get in a new relationship and put that ahead of their relationship with their kids - but usually in those cases, the mother is also around and takes that primary care role.

Hard to tell, but it'd probably not going to do your friendship ant favours to tell her how you feel. Then again, are you sure you want to stay friends given this behaviour?

Apologies if I've missed something where you think your friend is the victim of some kind of coercive behaviour by this new man!

Edingril · 07/09/2024 06:59

She does not have to be this gullible she is solely responsible for her child men can't be blamed for every choice a mother makes

DonkeyyDoo · 07/09/2024 07:01

Going away for 2/3 nights maximum, would be fair enough, but 12 nights?! Absolutely not. Even if the child was left with dad for that long it would be unusual but a nanny? Not fair on the child at all.

NonsuchCastle · 07/09/2024 07:01

It sounds like this child's needs are not being met. It sounds like the new fiance is a selfish sod and the mum is putting her own needs before her child's needs. I would be concerned too. But I don't think there's anything you can do.

If you voice your concerns I suspect mum will not like it one bit. On the other hand, if you don't voice your concerns your friendship will be dishonest. And that's no friendship.

I would give it a bit of time and see what happens next then make your decision.

MissUltraViolet · 07/09/2024 07:02

That is something I would struggle to keep my mouth shut about.

Yes, parents can and should enjoy child-free time but going away for 12 days with a new boyfriend when your child is that young, missing your childs first days at pre-school....no. She is putting her boyfriend first and it's shitty.

I'd be tempted to try stick around for a while, keep an eye on what is going to happen once the nanny quits.

Poor kid.

LividSummers · 07/09/2024 07:04

It’s giving me the heebie jeebies. Twelve nights. Absolutely not.

She’s putting dick before daughter.

Christy135 · 07/09/2024 07:14

I have zero respect for this mum.
I would try to have a conversation, but most likely it will end with her not being interested.
Some mums are just shit, and I feel sorry for the child.

Whoknows101 · 07/09/2024 07:15

A sole parent leaving their 3 year old during a major life event for a 12 night holiday is so far beyond normal I'd be very concerned about their relationship with their child and their ability to care for them. I'd see it as a major red flag for other forms of child abuse personally, as that whats this is.

Unless there is some other family member involvement youve not mentioned, I'd be putting in a call to social services just so the child is on their radar.

Sexyshrek · 07/09/2024 07:16

Poor kid 😢 I know someone who has done pretty much the same. Met a new partner, fell pregnant, now her 2 very young dc from a previous relationship barely get a look in. At first she said she couldn't handle them while pregnant, then couldn't handle them around a newborn. Now she will go months without seeing them and they only live 5 minutes up the road.

Florafleur · 07/09/2024 07:18

This is about the mum.

She needs to stop being selfish and put her longed for child first by making better choices.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 07/09/2024 07:19

This is neglect. Even though the mother has paid for childcare in her absence it is clear the nanny has been plugging a parental hole for a while now. I would be extremely concerned.

Gonk123 · 07/09/2024 07:22

She will fall out with you if you say anything. Be prepared for that.
maybe you could ask if she wants to do an activity with the kids when she is back - this may remind her of her responsibility and enjoyment she gets through her child and bring her back down to earth. But don’t get involved and say anything.

BreatheAndFocus · 07/09/2024 07:26

I don’t necessarily think it’s the man’s fault at all. Nobody forced your friend to go away for 12 nights, and even if she wanted to do so, why didn’t she ask him to move the trip a little later to avoid the start of pre-school? She sounds infatuated with this man.

It sounds like she’s fed up with being a mum. I’d have to say something. I’d tell her how much her DC missed her when she was away, with plenty of details.

Stepusername · 07/09/2024 07:27

You should say something, but write down/practice what you're going to say first so you don't accidentally say 'you're a neglectful mum and your new partner is awful'. You also don't have to say everything in one conversation, or at all.

I wouldn't mention the nanny wanting to leave or your doubts about them moving in together now. I would mention how much her daughter missed her, the counting down and asking for hugs and state the trip was too long for her. If you don't mention the trip now it will seem petty to bring it up in a few months if you have more concerns then. It also means that you get an understanding of how your friend will react if you raise other things.

Debtfreegoals · 07/09/2024 07:28

I will say OP, that your friend made the choice to go. Personally I could never leave my child to navigate pre school alone, it’s very selfish of her.

Dolliesdisasterousdayout · 07/09/2024 07:29

Maybe the nanny could be the one to discuss your concerns if she’s leaving anyway and shares your concerns?

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 07/09/2024 07:29

I would have to say something too. As you are a friend you can start it off by asking about her wellbeing as it’s not normal to go away from you’re child for so long. If she is confrontational back, or doesn’t seem to give a shit, then I guess you might not want to maintain this friendship anyway so doesn’t really matter if you cause her offense.

Needmoresleep · 07/09/2024 07:29

I would call social services, just to alert them. The current nanny sounds great and professional. However she is unlikely to stay. The next one may well be less good. Single mums, the sort who can afford nannies, may have to be away a day or two on business. But 12 days for a holiday is very odd and not acceptable.

Social services might have a word with her, which may do the trick. I assume they have other more pressing cases so won’t want to do more. Inter alia it might cause her to appreciate how the nanny has held the fort, and that she needs to make some effort to keep her.

VelvetChaise · 07/09/2024 07:30

This is entirely on your friend. The man is entitled to state his preference for adult time. Your friend is not required to agree.

She’s at fault here.

NiftyKoala · 07/09/2024 07:30

The problem is not the man, the problem is your friend.

MaryQueenofPotts · 07/09/2024 07:31

Poor child.
If you speak up, it will most likely be the end of your friendship. However I think it’s important to try to stay in your friend’s life, for the sake of her little boy. I think the previous poster’s suggestion of asking to meet up for a kid’s activity is a good idea, you can gauge her reaction/interest.
Edited as I thought friend was getting rid of nanny but actually nanny is leaving.

Needmoresleep · 07/09/2024 07:31

I would not say anything to her directly, and deny any contact with social services. This child needs responsible adults in their life.

MyKidsAreTooNoisy · 07/09/2024 07:32

I don’t think social services would take any interest. There is adequate childcare in place with the nanny, and one can infer that there are sufficient financial resources to meet their basic needs.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 07/09/2024 07:33

It's not the man that questionable, it's your friend's lack of care for her own child!

Bedtime91 · 07/09/2024 07:36

As the child of parents who regularly went abroad, leaving us alone with childcare or staying with friends YANBU but it's the mum who needs a head wobble.

My mum once left us for three whole weeks (not for work I might add) - well cared for, and I was much older but I still think about it now. So imagine the effect this would be having on a poor three year old it breaks my hearts