To be worried about 3yr olds new dad

[Calmondeck]

Im wavering between thinking this is none of my business… but can’t shake deep misgivings about a friend’s relationship. Does this story give you red flags too?

Friend and I had our first children at the same time so our now 3 yr olds are close buddies. She went through rounds of IVF w donor sperm to have her much wanted only child.

When her child was 18 months old she was swept off her feet by a twice divorced man with kids from both marriages. He doesn’t want to be a father again so has little to do with her child. However, he’s very insistent he has ‘adult time’ with my friend, including whisking her away for a 12 night overseas trip, which happened to coincide with the child’s first ever week of pre-school.

The child is currently in the care of a nanny, who is navigating the first weeks of pre-school alone. The nanny is exhausted and told me at the park yesterday that she’s ready to find a new job. Not because she doesn’t like the child, but she’s working 24/7 and has been for the past year.

The child has started asking me for hugs and counting down sleeps until her mum is back. Meanwhile I’m getting holiday pics raving about joys of child free life.

My worry is - the man is moving in after this trip, the nanny is moving out. Would it be friendship ending to voice my misgivings to my friend?

AiBU - solo parents deserve their own space and holidays, the child will be fine, family dynamics change, MYOB?

Horrible situation.

I'd present it to your friend in the first instance as 'I was having a bit of a heart to heart with X (the nanny) and I'm worried that she might be thinking of leaving because of the workload'. That might focus her mind.

At the same time, I'd call social services just to make them aware.

This

Social services won't do anything, except perhaps to speak to her. However it should be noted as a red flag. The hope is that this will be the only one. However if there are more the first will help to indicate a pattern.

The mum sounds as if she flits from one enthusiasm to another. First having a child, then the new man. Unfortunately babies are for life, and require you to put them first.

When mine were little, there were a lot of nannies around and two particularly good nannies confided in me about problems at home. I had not known details but given both families went through nannies at an extraordinary pace (over 20 each by the time the eldest left primary) I was not surprised at their revelations. I think I was used as a sounding board as they tried to justify to themselves that they needed to leave even though they were concerned about the child/children. Thinking about it now the elder child in both families has wound up as a damaged adult. A conviction for sex offenses in one case.

The nanny will, one assumes, be relying on a reference from this job, though…?

Do you think the timing of the trip is deliberate on his part? Agreed that she's the one making the decision to go, but do you think he's done that deliberately? Place her in a position of choosing him or the child?

I can’t see how this is a problem with the new partner. He’s made his feelings known and your friend has chosen to persue the relationship regardless. You say the child is much wanted- doesn’t sound like it to me. 12 days away and raving about child free life suggests the maternal bond is weak. Please stay in this child’s life. Sounds like she needs some stability.

This is what my parents did when we were small, didn’t realize how much it affected me until I was older

Poor kid, not financially I assume, but not having your mum around and no dad is hard. I assume boarding school will be next on the to do list.

Your friend is the problem, putting a man before her child. Vile

YANBU, extremely selfish and horrible behaviour, I am a lone parent myself. Nothing on this earth would have ever made me miss my child's first days at school and never in his life have I gone away for 12 nights.

I can’t imagine doing this. Jesus I feel guilty about putting them in afterschool club once in a blue moon. How she can piss off for 12 nights and leave her baby with a Nanny is beyond me.

Mum may blame the child in this scenario. I hope the nanny makes it very clear that she is not leaving because of the child.

I think, if your friend went on holiday instead of seeing her child go to school, she's a cunt.

Hope that helps.

Then she needs to get her shit together for her child's sake. I left abuse from my son's father and managed to still be a present parent. You don't get to "escape" when you've got kids that you brought into the world.

Is this real?

Couldn’t agree more.

a weekend away would be fine, but 12 days is really long and for a 3 year old will feel like an eternity. I was a single mum and used to long for some time to myself, my child used to have a couple of days away at their grandparents and I just used to sleep! There was no way I could or would have left them for almost two weeks even with their grandparents for such a long time at such a young age.

I'd be worried that your friend is moving in a man who doesn't want to be a father again. What is going to happen to the child in that household? Is she going to put the child first if her partner just views him as a nuisance?

Did your bf have ivf aline or was she with a partner at the time?

It's entirely her decision to do this. She sounds really selfish.

Also, that man is not the kid's dad. Please don't refer to him as the dad to the child. They're going to be messed up enough with a mother like that without adding random people to the family tree that are not family in any way.

Two pronged approaches here. The nanny needs to discuss the contractual breaches and work environment.

You need to bring up your concerns as a friend.

I speak from experience here as a lone parent who had a live in nanny for 10 years (the same one as I'm a good employer)

I used to travel for work a lot which is why I had a nanny but I never ever missed any milestone or school event.

I would be raising her priorities and also her boundaries as the issue here. Letting this man move in is a far from sensible as it gets.

It's fine for parents to have time out, but it's quite another to prioritise a man over your child.

Sometimes saying something is worth losing the relationship over. If you say something, your relationship is likely to change. But I think it is worth saying something. Maybe it will stick with her and she'll realise she's acting poorly.

The problem is your friend, not her new man. I’d tell her how much her child missed her while she was away. See how things go, but if you feel the child is suffering in any way, you might have to say so though I doubt if it would go down well.

I’m torn between suggesting keeping quiet and still being there for the child when things get harder (sounds like they will) and at least raising a few things with your friend.

I think I would let her know how much the child missed her and wanted affection, but keep it factual, without judgement. Perhaps I would even gently raise how tired and stressed the nanny looked and how lucky she is to have a nanny like that as most (all?) others wouldn’t have stepped up like that - lots of comments about “she’s worth keeping hold of / keeping her happy etc” as you’d be lost without her etc

it might not make a difference but if the nanny does quit and the friend finds out she has spoken to you she will likely be pissed off with you anyway.

i know that doesn’t help with the bigger question of the relationship but at least you’ve given a gentle heads up to your friend - maybe she’ll hear it, maybe not

Why have you titled this thread in the way you have, OP? The man is your friend’s boyfriend, not her son’s new dad, evidently!